EASY-PEASY-LEMON-SQUEEZY
OR
HOW TO CONFUSE A YANK

I made an error on some paper work
So I asked a yank if I could borrow a rubber.
I promised to return it when I was finished.
He said he hadn’t one, but if he did I could
Keep it. I should have said “eraser”.

A lady asked if I had seen her new suspenders.
She said that she was willing to show them.
I found that she meant to show me her new
Braces. She was embarrassed as was I when
I explained that I thought she meant garter belt.

Lads and lasses, never ask for a faggot
In an American restaurant, as you may get
Thrown out, or you may get something
You didn’t expect. And Bangers-and-Mash?
They don’t know over here.

They’ve never heard of Auntie Beebe,
Or of the Loo, or even of the Gents.
Never ask a local constable where you can
Have a slash, or he’ll search you
For a knife. They talk funny over here.

Two people divided by a common tongue?
Don’t you believe it for a minute.
Americans never learned proper English.
It’s all I can do to be understood,
Without trying to teach them to speak.

William Smith , Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University
25 December, 2003