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The Golden Years
Sent into us by Sandy Campbell

 Cataracts, Hernias And Saline Drips,
 Triple By Passes And Replacement Hips,
 Tae Aw These Things Ye Will Relate,
 When You've Passed The Age A Fifty Eight.
 When Ye Get Tae Seventy They Say Yer Auld,
 Yer Blue Rinse Trim And Ye Feel The Cauld,
 A Poet Says Jist Tae Away Yer Fears,
 Rejoice, It's The Start Of The "Golden Years".
 Hiv Ye Ever Heard Sic A Load O Shit,
 Here's Me Wi A Bunion On Each Fit,
 "The Golden Years" Goad Whit A Farce!
 I'd Like Tae Kick That Poet's Arse.
 Auld Age Comes Tae Yin An' Aw,
 They'll No Let Ye Oot In Case Ye Fa',
 Wee Lasses Help Ye Across The Street,
 Ye've Nae Teeth Left Tae Chow Yer Meat.
 "Rejoice" Says He "And Have No Fears",
 And Sing The Praises Of "The Golden Years",
 I Dinnae Believe A Word He Says,
 I'm Lookin' Forrit Tae Ma Twighlight Years,
 Its No That I'm Feart I'm Gaun Tae Die,
 It's Jist - Well, Listen, And I'll Tell You Why.
 Ah Can Hardly See, An Can Hardly Pee,
 Ah Cannae Chew, Ah Cannae Screw,
 Ma Memory Shrinks, Ma Hearin' Stinks,
 Ah Look Like Hell, Am Beginning Tae Smell,
 Nae Wunner Ah Git Close Tae Tears,
 When That B'stard Ca's Them "Golden Years",
 Ah've Hud Tae Wear A Hearin' Aid,
 Ah Wear Two Pairs Of Specs,
 Ah've Hud Tae Gie Up Smokin',
 And Git Deprived A Sex
 Ah'm As Bald As A Coot, Ma Hair's Fa'in Oot,
 And Ma Knees Creak When Ah Bend,
 Ma Gums Are Sair, Ma Teeth's Nae Mair,
 Ah'm No Far Frae Ma End,
 "The Golden Years" Are No Sic A Rave,
 When Ye've Noo Got Yin Fit In The Grave.
 Some Pair Buggers Have Hud It Tough,
 And Life For Them Has Been Gey Rough,
 Tae Sit Aw Day Propped Up Wi A Pilly,
 A Rubber Tube Stuck Up Yer Willy.
 The Summer's Nicht Roond The Boolin' Greens,
 A Gemme - A Drink Among Auld Freends,
 We'd Sit For Oors Aw Laughs And Smiles,'
 Noo Ah Cannae Sit For Piles.
 Yin Boolin' Pal, He Sheds Nae Tears,
 He Says He Likes His "Golden Years",
 There Are Nae Regrets On What He's Missed,
 Two Pints Noo - And He's Well Pissed.
 Another Thing Aboot The Passing Years,
 The Least Wee Draught Gies Ye Beilin' Ears,
 Here's Another Thing Tae Add Tae Yer Plight,
 Constipation! Oh For A Shite,
 I'll Tell Ye This - It's No Ony Wunner,
 That Sometimes Life Is Such A Scunner.
 Frae Heid Tae Tae, We're Fu O Ills
 When We Walk We Rattle - It's Aw They Pills,
 But Bob And Tam, Like Me They're Frisky,
 Wi Them It's Sex, Wi Me It's Whisky.
 As Time Goes By, Ye Get Sort 0 Muddled
 Yer Memory Gets Worse, Yer Brain Gets Fuddled,
 Some Days Ye Feel Yer Jist No Copin',
 Like Ye Walk Doon The Street, And Yer Ballop's Open.
 How Many Years We've Left, God Only Knows,
 So I'll Feenish This Wee Bit Prose,
 But I'll Say This, Despite The Fears,
 There Really Were Some "Golden Years".

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