A nun was travelling
between her convent in Northern Ireland and another the other side of the
country when the convent's mini she was using, ran out of petrol.
Being a good catholic, she knelt down, put her hands together and prayed a
A few minutes later a large
petrol tanker hove in sight and she flagged it down. She explained her
problem to the driver who responded: 'I would love to help you missus, but
the pipe on this thing are very large and the pipe to the tank of your
mini is very small. Do you have anything we could fill up that you could
empty into your tank?
The nun fished around in
the back of the mini and came out with a child's potty. 'Would this do?'
she asked. 'Yes, I should think that will do fine!' replied the driver.
Together they walked round to the back of the tanker and the driver very
carefully cracked open the tap at the bottom of the tank and dribbled
enough petrol to lagely fill it, into the pot.
'There. Will that do you?'
'Bless you my son!' said
the nun, 'You have been most kind and helpful. Thank you very much and
come safe home!'
The tanker departed and the
nun stood pouring this yellow coloured fluid from the pot into her mini,
when down the road in his big, black, bulletproof limosine, came the
Reverend Ian Paisely.
He took in this scene,
wound down a window and as his car passed, he bellowed: 'Woman! I
abominate your religion, but I must admit I admire your faith!'
Two nuns left their convent
in Bateman St, Cambridge to buy some vegetables in the market in
Cambridge. In those days it was still sometimes possible to park in the
centre of Cambridge but on this occasion they could not find a place. The
one who was driving said to the other: 'You go and get the veg. I'll drive
around and I'll see you by the pedestrian crossing by Rose Crescent in
about 25 minutes.' The other nun got out and did her shopping and went to
the pedestrian crossing and waited and waited and waited. Finally she
said to the policeman who was looking after the crossing: 'Excuse me
officer, have you seen a nun in a red mini?' 'No madam,' he replied
gloomily, 'but nothing would surprise me!'
A good fairy was between
appointments when she realised that she had half-an-hour to spare. She
landed in the garden of a stately home, near two statues in the classical
greek style one male one female. On a whim she brought them both to life
and told them that they had half-an-hour to do anything they liked. The
statues gazed into each other's eyes and one said to the other: 'Are you
thinking the same as I am?'
'You can count on it!'
replied the other, 'I have thought of little else for the last two hundred
'Well let's do it!
exclaimed the first and they ran off hand in hand, to a nearby wood. There
was a terrific comotion and hundreds of birds flew out of the trees and
then for a while there was silence and the pair of them came running and
skipping back to the fairy, flushed and obviously very, very happy.
The fairy looked at her
watch and said: 'You were very quick! You still have another quarter of
an hour, what would you like to do now?'
The two statues looked at
each other and one asked: 'Shall we do it again?'
'Yes let's! But this time
you hold the pigeon and I'll shit on it!'
Two old farmers in
Balquhidder had a boundary dispute. One went to the Writer to the Signet
in the town to handle the case for him. 'I'm sorry!' replied the WS, 'I
have already been retained by your neighbour. However, I'll write you a
letter of introduction to my colleague in St Fillans. He's a good man,
you can trust him.'
The old man took the letter
home and steamed it open. Inside was a piece of paper on which was
written: 'Twa fat sheep on the braes o' Balquhidder, you fleece ane and
I'll fleece t'other.'
He took this to his
neighbour and they settled it out of court.
I hope you haven't heard
With all best wishes,