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A Day in the Life of a Highland Cow

I got your name from a friend who read the following and thought you might find it was "composed" by another friend of mine who has three highland cows ( Mother and two daughters) that he keeps as pets. It was written and left in the barn for me to when I was looking after them while he and his wife were on a short vacation. I thought it was funny and took it with me. Here it is verbatim.


The following is a schedule of events in the life of a highland cow in Summer pasture mode:
5:30  to  6:00 a.m .  -  Cows wake up.  Senior cow gets up first and stands in front of the other cattle so they can admire her.  All then get up and do a little ritual poop.  Cows may make sarcastic greetings to each other like "good morning hairbag" or "who made those horns?"
6:00  to  8:00 a.m.  -  general grazing time, followed by a period of staring at the master's home.  All drink water during this period.
8:00  to  9:00 a.m.  -  All cattle receive the master, reporting any overnight problems and complaints.  Common complaints are: quality of hay, grass has lost it's crunch, why are we not being raked more regularly etc.  Master gives hay and they show appreciation by staring at him and threatning to break wire and escape or rub and kill more trees.
9:00  to  11:00 a.m.  -  Cattle find shade and socialize. The senior cow leads discussions.. (I have learned their lingo, so have a fair understanding of what goes on)...basically they gossip!  They are very interested in visitors and the shoes, belts or gloves they wear, wondering who they once may have been.  Highland cows have no teeth on top so can't say their "L"s.  They talk of escape from the master during these socials.  This escape talk never goes any place, probably due to their speech impediments.  One recent exchange went like this.  "Rets rush master when by fence raking reaves, knock him off his regs and break for woods, cross that rittle rake through the woods to rarger, greener pasture."
11:00  to  4:00 p.m.  -  general grazing, pooping and peeing, rubbing on trees, trying to break fence, resting in shade, staring at master's house or watching him work around yard or barn.  A highlight of this period is when master's wife yells at him or he does something stupid  that appeals to their sense of humor.  Highland cows don't laugh openly, but smile and grin with a slight upper lift of their mouths.
4:00  to  7:00 p.m.  -  eat hay master has given them, poop and pee followed by a time of meditation.  Highland cattle have no religion but know they are sacred and play on this.  Crop circles, sacred cows, their role at the nativity and in Scotland's history is very important to them.  The face west as the sun sets and place their noses on the ground, standing perfectly still for up to a minute.  It is a most moving ceremony.
7:00  to  Dusk  -  Senior cow decides where they will bed down for night. She usually sleeps looking towards master's home, with other cattle behind.  They are very quiet during this period; however, there is some lowing or "rowing" as they say.
At Dusk  -  To get to sleep, cows tell stories for night.  These are epic tales which highland cattle have passed down for centuries...I have overheard them.  Some of their favourites are:
  • Wellington Wullie" - about a lonely shepherd who goes nuts and trys to ravish a herd of highlands -
  • Old Mary and the Wolf" - about an old cow who fights off a wolf to save her calf -
  • "How the snake got it's name",  and on full moon nights, the horror tale "Jock be nimble, Jock be quick.

Then they fall to sleep secure in the knowledge that the master loves and cares for them and has been placed on this earth to serve their every need and be their devoted servant.

THE END     

composed by expatriot Scot...Del Clark...Fenwick Ont.

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