- How many Englishmen does it take to batter down a castle gate?
10,000, 100 to hold the ram and 9,900 to move the castle back and forth.
- Caller to BT Directory Enquiries: "I want a
knitwear company in Woven"
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?
Caller: "Yes, That's what it says on the label. Woven in Scotland."
- Little boy called Jamie asked father, called Wallace, "what will my name be when I
Father said "Jamie of course". Little Jamie said "do you mean to say I will
have a little boy's name when I'm a grown up man?"
- Rudeness - someone who keeps talking while your are trying to
- Lady, at pedestrian crossing, waiting to cross the road saw the little
Green Man and heard the audible sound so duly crossed over to the
other pavement. An American visitor asked what was the purpose of the
audible sound. On being told it was for blind people said, 'Oh, we
don't let them drive in America' !!
- The Scots have an infallible cure for
sea-sickness. They lean over the side of the ship with a ten pence coin in
- "In some Scottish restaurants they heat
the knives so you can't use too much butter."
- McTavish broke the habit of a lifetime and
bought two tickets for a raffle. One of his tickets won a 1,000 pound
prize. He was asked how he felt about his big win. "Disappointed" said
McTavish. "My other ticket didn't win anything"
- McDougal walked into a fish and chip shop.
"I want 10 pence worth of chips, please. I want lots of salt and vinegar
on them and two pence worth of pickled onions. And wrap the whole lot in
- You should be careful about stereotyping
the Scots as mean. There was a recent letter to a newspaper from an
Aberdonian which said "If you print any more jokes about mean Scotsmen I
shall stop borrowing your paper."
- Have you heard the rumour that the Grand
Canyon was started by a Scotsman who lost a coin in a ditch?
- After discovering that they had won 15
million pounds in the Lottery, Mr and Mrs McFlannel sat down to discuss
their future. Mrs McFlannel announced "After twenty years of washing other
people's stairs, I can throw my old scrubbing brush away at last." Her
husband agreed - "Of course you can, hen. We can easily afford to buy you
a new one now."
- As a Christmas present one year, the Laird
gave his gamekeeper, MacPhail, a deerstalker hat with ear-flaps. MacPhail
was most appreciative and always wore it with the flaps tied under his
chin to keep his ears warm in the winter winds. One cold, windy day the
Laird noticed he was not wearing the hat.
"Where's the hat?" asked the Laird.
"I've given up wearing it since the accident," replied MacPhail.
"Accident? I didn't know you'd had an accident."
"Yes. A man offered me a nip of whisky and I had the earflaps down and
never heard him."
- Scotsmen hate to see waste, no matter
where it is. So when Jock saw the Niagara Falls for the first time he said
it was a waste of water - and a plumber in Dundee could fix them in half
- A Scottish prayer - "Oh Lord, we do not
ask you to give us wealth. But show us where it is!"
- Angus called in to see his friend Donald
to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously,
he remarked "You're decorating, I see." to which Donald replied "Naw. I'm
- When a bus company was prevailed upon to
increase the concessionary fare to frequent travellers so that they got
six journeys instead of four for a pound, one elderly gentleman, renowned
for his frugality, even in a community where frugal folk are common, was
"It's all dam' foolishness," he declared. "Now we've got to walk to town
six times instead of four times to save a pound!"
- Did you hear about the Scotsman who got
caught making nuisance telephone calls? He kept reversing the charges.
- A Scotsman, an Englishman and an
Australian were in a bar and had just started on a new round of drinks
when a fly landed in each glass of beer. The Englishman took his out on
the blade of his Swiss Army knife. The Australian blew his away in a cloud
of froth. The Scotsman lifted his one up carefully by the wings and held
it above his glass. "Go on, spit it oot, ye wee devil" he growled.
- McNab had become a bit hard of hearing but
he didn't want to pay for a hearing aid. So bought a piece of flex, put
one end in his top pocket and the other end in his ear. It didn't help his
hearing but he found that people spoke to him more loudly.
- McTavish took his girlfriend out for the
evening. They returned to her flat just before midnight and as she kissed
him goodnight she said: "Be careful on your way home. I'd hate anyone to
rob you of all the money you've saved this evening."
- By mistake, Sandy put a 50 pence coin
instead of 5 pence on the collection plate at church. Despite his
entreaties, the minister refused to give it back to him. So for the next
nine weeks, when the plate was passed round, he passed it on saying
- "Sandy suggested a candlelit dinner last
night" Jessie reported to her friend the next day. "That was dead
romantic" said her friend. "Not really. It just saved him having to fix
- Jock asked the bus conductor how much it
would cost to travel into town. "80 pence" said the conductor. Jock
thought this was a bit steep so he decided to run after the bus for a few
stops. "How much now?" he asked. "Still 80 pence". Jock ran after the bus
for another three stops and, panting, he asked "How much now?" The
conductor replied "90 pence. You're running in the wrong direction!"
- MacDonald was awarded 10,000 pounds for
injuries received after a traffic accident and his wife got 2,000 pounds.
A friend asked how badly injured his wife had been in the accident.
MacDonald replied "Och, she wasn't injured but I had the presence of mind
to kick her in the leg before the police arrived."
- A visitor to an Aberdeen bar was surprised
to find the beer only two pence a pint. The barman explained that it was
the price to mark the centenary of the pub opening. The visitor noticed,
however, that the bar was empty. "Are the regular customers not enjoying
the special prices?" he asked. To which the barman replied "They're
waiting for the Happy Hour"
- It is rumoured that the entire population
of Aberdeen took to the streets with an empty glass in their hands when
the weather forecaster said there would be a nip in the air.
- There was understandable scepticism when
it was suggested that Napoleon Bonaparte was the grandson of a Scot from
Balloch. But now it has been pointed out that there is further proof that
Napoleon was indeed Scots - his hand was always under his lapel, to make
sure no-one had lifted his wallet...
- An Englishman, roused by a Scot's scorn of
his race, protested that he was born an Englishman and hoped to die an
"Man," scoffed the Scot,
"hiv ye nae ambeetion?"
- In the "old days" Clan MacKay went raiding
one time and came back with, among other things, dozens of bottles of
whiskey and one loaf of bread. When the chief saw the booty, he asked, "Wha's
gaen ta eat a' that bread?"
- Scottish preacher to his
congregation: "I don't mind you putting buttons in the collection plate,
but please provide your own buttons. Stop pulling them off the church
- Another Scottish preacher is said to have prayed thus after a particularly
unproductive collection: "We thank you Lord that the plate was returned
- An English silver expert travelling in Scotland was asked if he would like
to look at the trophies won by the Scottish national soccer team. He
replied that he wasn't interested in antiques.
- An American was hopelessly lost in the Highlands and wandered about for
nearly a week. Finally, on the seventh day he met a kilted inhabitant.
"Thank heaven I've met someone," he cried. "I've been lost for the last
week." "Is there a reward out for you?" asked the Scotsman. "No," said the
American. "Then I'm afraid you're still lost," was the reply.
- Sign at a Scottish golf course: "Members will refrain from picking up lost
balls until they have stopped rolling."
- Why are so many Scottish churches circular? So nobody can hide in the
corners during the collection.
- Letter to the editor: "Sir, if you print any more jokes about Scotsmen I
shall cease borrowing your newspaper.
- Jock McTavish." A Scotsman decided to get married so one morning he sent
messages to three of his girlfriends, proposing marriage. Two phoned
immediately to say "yes' while the third phoned that night to say the
same. He married the third girl saying, "The lass for me is the one who
waits for the cheap rates."
- A Scotsman won a toilet brush as the booby prize in a raffle. He had never
won anything before, though, so he was delighted. A few weeks later a
friend asked if he was getting much use from the toilet brush. "Well,"
came the reply, "I don't think much of it. I think I'll go back to using
- A Scotsman was playing golf with a church elder. On the last hole the
Scotsman missed a six-inch putt which cost him the match but, out of
deference to his playing partner's status, he said absolutely nothing.
"That," said the elder, "was the most profane silence I have ever heard."
- Why are Scotsmen so good at golf? They realise that the fewer times they
hit the ball the longer it will last.
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