Chic Murray, one of
Scotland's greatest comedians, was born Charles Thomas McKinnon Murray
in Greenock, in 1919. He began an apprenticeship in engineering at
Kincaid's shipyard in 1934 whilst employing his musical talents in
amateur groups such as The Whinhillbillies and Chic and His Chicks. He
formed a double-act with his wife, Maidi Dickson. Billed as "The Tall
Droll with the Small Doll" their combination of jokes and songs made
them a popular attraction on television and in theatres throughout the
country. The peak of their success was in 1956 when they appeared in the
Royal Variety Show at the London Palladium. Later, working as a solo
act, with a forbidding expression and omnipresent "bunnet", Chic offered
a comic vision of the world that was absurd, surreal and absolutely
unique. Much mimicked and much loved by his fellow professionals, he
acted in films such as Casino Royale (1967), appeared as the headmaster
in Gregory's Girl (1980) and played Liverpool Football Club manager Bill
Shankly in the musical play You'll Never Walk Alone (1984). He died in
Edinburgh in 1985 at the age of sixty-five.
Telling the Long Nose Story
Here are just a few
examples of Chic's unique material that I was sent in in an email from a
visitor to our site...
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
I made a stupid mistake last week. Come to think of it, did you ever
hear of someone making a clever mistake?
So I gave him a wave. Actually, it was more of a half wave, because I
only half know him.
What use is happiness? It can't buy you money.
I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper
trousers. He was wanted for rustling.
If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?
My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple woman. You see the
result standing in front of you, a simpleton.
I had a tragic childhood. My parents never understood me. They were
I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to
have someone her own age in the class to talk to.
If it weren't for marriage, husband and wives would have to fight with
After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash
my Y-fronts for a month.
Kippers- fish that like a lot of sleep.
The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver
had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.
It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two
bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.
I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string
Get into yourself to get yourself out of your self. Then try to lose
I drew a gun. He drew a gun. I drew another gun. Soon we were surrounded
by lovely drawings of guns.
We've got stained glass windows in our house. It's those damned pigeons.
You know what they say about stamp collecting. Philately will get you
There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones.
Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.
The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a
spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.
I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the
I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lbs of marshmallows. When I woke up, my
pillow was missing.
My girlfriends a redhead, no hair, just a red head.
I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling. The rest I
A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented
My parents were wonderful, always there with a ready compromise. My
sister wanted a cat for a pet I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and
taught it to bark.
I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the
rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs.
Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted
We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was
ashtrays without advertisements. It was all the wolf could do to keep us
away from his door. A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches- two slices of
bread with wide-open spaces between them. There were so many holes in my
socks I could put them on seventeen different ways.
She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.
My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she
had the bed made by the time he got back.
This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted
him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then when they came
into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's
been pushed for money ever since.
I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked.
"Why?" the butcher said in reply. Are you going to talk to it or eat
it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded,
"but I've got one I could aggravate for you".
I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady
appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want
to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed
A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay
his hands on.
I was in London the other day and this man came up to me and asked me if
I knew the Battersea dog's home. I said that I didn't know it had been
There are two rules for drinking whisky. First, never take whisky
without water, and second, never take water without whisky.
My wife went to a beauty parlour and got a mudpack. For two days she
looked nice, then the mud fell off.
I don't swim. I can swim. I just don't have much cause to do so in the
normal run of things.
So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the
matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my
back pocket and I was just trying to break it."
This chap started talking to me about this and that - about which I know
My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish
to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on
his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.
It was raining cats and dogs and I fell in a poodle.
I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked
if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea
as I was a stranger there myself.
I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me
where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that
I was on my way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was mad,
to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased about it.
This chap said to me, "If you look over there, you'll see Dumbarton
Rock". Well, I looked for 20 minutes and the thing never moved an inch.
I met this chap at the Olympics. I said to him, "Excuse me but are you a
pole vaulter?", he replied,"No, I'm German, but how did you know my name
I went to the doctor and he told me I only had three minutes to live. I
immediately asked if there was anything he could do for me, to which he
replied, that he could boil me an egg.
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