Stuart Crawford meets the
Foreign Secretary Douglas Hurd, in the days when we were
still able to shake hands.
BY LATE
1990 4th Tonks had become an Op Granby (Gulf War I)
support regiment, with our tanks stripped for spares to
support the troops in Kuwait and increasing numbers of
personnel being told off for other duties outwith the
normal functions of a tank regiment. After my relatively
short time as C Squadron leader I was now Regimental
2ic, nominally in charge of training – there wasn’t any
– and equipment – it had all been rendered useless. But
there still seemed to be stacks going on.
Part of my new job was to publish the Regimental
forecast of events, a document that in normal
circumstances got updated from time-to-time and
distributed to keep everybody up to speed with what was
happening. During Op Granby it very quickly because an
impossible task and we just started living day-to-day.
Things changed constantly, much in line with the old
army adages “greatcoats off, greatcoats on” and “rush to
wait”. There is another, less complimentary army adage
which describes the circumstances, and that is a “cake
and arse party”.
At this point I should probably say that I have written
about this particular time in great detail in my short
book Sending My Laundry Forward: A Staff Officer’s
Account of the First Gulf War (Troubadour, 2012, ISBN
978 1783064 182) and encourage you to go out and buy a
copy. Except that you can’t, because it’s out of print.
Actually, not quite true, I’ve just checked on Amazon
and you can buy a new copy for £600. I would advise
against this – it’s not worth it, believe me.
I am honour bound to say, therefore, that a lot of what
follows hereafter is me plagiarising myself, shamelessly
transcribed verbatim out of my last remaining copy of my
book. (I thought you can’t plagiarise yourself, by the
way, but my better educated children tell me otherwise.
Who knew? Well, apart from them obviously).
Gulf War - Sending my
Laundry Forward
Where was
I? Oh, yes, the cake and arse party. So, in the autumn
of 1990, the Regiment’s tanks were all VOR (vehicle off
the road), the subbies were falling over themselves to
volunteer to go to war (although interestingly not the
NCOs, with one or two noticeable exceptions), the boys
were being send hither and thither to provide manpower
for various tasks, and anything we planned came to
nought. At this point I engaged my famous and immaculate
sense of perfect timing and went on leave – to get
married, leaving chaos behind.
My honeymoon was spent exploring the farthest flung
expanses of that unexplored wilderness…
…known as Devon, and on my way back I made the fatal
mistake of popping into Regimental Headquarters Royal
Tank Regiment (RHQ RTR) in Bovington in Dorset on my way
past. I think I had to pick up something to take back to
Germany, but, be that as it may, it was there that I
heard for the first time that I might be bound for the
Middle East. I think the deliverer of the information,
the Regimental Colonel, was disappointed that did not
appear more pleased, but bearing in mind I had been
married a mere three weeks and had enjoyed my foray into
wilderness I think my lack of enthusiasm was quite
understandable.
Thus it came to pass, as they say in the Bible, that a
few short weeks later I found myself bound for Saudi
Arabia. Typically, when the army wanted you to go
anywhere it chose the most inconvenient time for you to
travel, and I left by car for the airport at the grisly
time of 3.30 am. It was always the RAF’s fault for they
always insisted on early arrival at the point of
departure and then kept us waiting around while the
pilots had a leisurely breakfast at the nearest 5 star
hotel where they had stayed the night, said a leisurely
farewell to their girlfriends and mistresses, then
strolled over to their aircraft giving the best
impression of Tom Cruise in Top Gun they could manage.
We all hated the RAF transport system and personnel with
a vengeance.
Also typically, this time of RHQ RTR, I had been told I
was to join the Headquarters British Forces Middle East
(HQBFME) in Jeddah. Unfortunately it wasn’t there, it
was in Riyadh. Thankfully that was where my ‘plane was
going’, and I was in it together with lots of other poor
souls on their way to war. Our journey was cheered up
somewhat by the magician Paul Daniels, who was on his
way out to visit the troops. He was brilliantly amusing
and, unlike some of the senior officers in the forward
“business class” end of the ‘plane, at least took the
time to come back and chat to we mere mortals in
“economy”.
Riyadh
I found
myself in Egypt for the first and – so far – last time
in my life when we landed to refuel in Cairo. My Dad had
been in Cairo at various times during his time in the
Highland Light Infantry (HLI) in 1946-48, and I was
amused that I was in some small way following in his
footsteps. Thereafter it was a relatively short hop to
Riyadh – or “Riyadh–Saudi Arabia”, as the Americans
would say, with a twang. It has always seemed to me the
geography teaching in their high schools leaves
something to be desired.
Arriving at HQBFME was a bit of a Staff College reunion.
I was picked up at the airport by Ian Rodley (RTR) and
Richard Aubrey-Fletcher (Grenadier Guards), both of whom
had been on the same course as I had. There were more
when we got to the somewhat shabby and rundown office
accommodation on an ordinary street which was to be our
initial location. Friends and relatives had assumed we’d
be in some bomb-proof underground bunker somewhere, but
the only protection the building had was a guard company
from the splendid Queen’s Own Highlanders and a few
sandbags round the entrance which we put up ourselves
later.
The veterans of this organisation had themselves only
been there for a matter of weeks. One of the first tasks
of the early arrivers had been to go out to local stores
and purchase their own desks, chairs, filing cabinets,
and other bits of sundry office equipment and then put
them together so the place could operate. The money came
from a seemingly bottomless treasure chest under the
control of the QM. We now know that most of it was
provided by the Saudi and Kuwaiti governments, and they
were unstinting in their generosity. Hardly surprising,
I suppose, with the enemy at the gates as it were.
Marriott Hotel
What did
surprise me was that we were all housed in the Marriott
Hotel. The reason was that the RAF were lead service for
this particular little jaunt in the sand, initially at
least, and they as an institution have never been known
to settle for a 4 star hotel when there is a 5 star
establishment available within a couple of hundred
miles. So the Marriott it was. Had the RN been lead
service I dare say we would have been billeted in some
rusty, leaking hulk off the coast in the Gulf, and had
it been the Army we would doubtless have inhabited some
vast, soulless tented camp in the middle of the desert,
miles from any solace or entertainment. So for once the
RAF’s involvement was a blessing.
The fact that we were in a hotel did rather piss-off the
boys who were up country living off the back decks of
their panzers, but what really hacked them off, and
rightly so, was that we base-wallahs also got paid vast
allowances for subsistence until the proper service
catering services arrived and were set up. Our
accommodation was free, and on top of our normal
military salaries we were paid an additional £41 per day
for food (1990 prices, equal to £85.29 today according
to Google). And as we were dining mainly at the Wendy’s
Burger restaurant near the HQ there was no conceivable
way of spending it.
It was a gravy train, and no mistake. By the time I
arrived a little ritual had been established which I was
advised to follow (and did). I drew my first batch of
allowances – £540 if I remember correctly – from the
Paymaster’s office and then went directly across the
yard to the British Forces Post Office (BFPO) in the
next portacabin, where I deposited the bulk of my money
in a Post Office Investment Account. By the time these
outrageous allowances were stopped most of us had
considerable savings in our accounts.
This theme of largesse continued when I went to pick up
my staff car the next day, a brand spanking new Mazda
929 with 23 miles on the clock, courtesy of the Saudi
government. It all felt a bit unreal, to be honest, and
didn’t last forever. But more on this next time!
Sentry with Machine Gun
To come
in Part 21; a very strange type of war. |