|Mac Averty post this
Bearded men can obtain the
appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex
to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of
toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed.
Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff
broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the
side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and
grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to
the object you wish to view.
Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully
refreshed and on time.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids
by running a bit slower.
International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in
the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a
guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive
women in bikinis.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at
people as they walk up the aisle.
Feed bees oranges. Hey presto! They make marmalade instead of honey.
A mousetrap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep.