Poems

Ten Dollars is ten dollars...
Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year, I may never get to." Edna replies, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard then and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, it'll cost you ten dollars."

Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Fred replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars in ten dollars."

Submitted by Timmy C.

Larry LaPrise, who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey," died this week at age 83. It was extremely difficult for the family to keep him in the casket. They'd put his left leg in, He'd put his left leg out, They put his left leg in, then he'd......well, you know the rest.

Submitted by Bob Godwin.

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and upon graduation became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. The word, Catholic, Protestant and secular were surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise; he was devastated, because even with all Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy Murphy?" After a long silence, one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called...... Pope Secola."

Submitted by Beth Alligood

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Things you don't not want to hear during surgery!

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor. We're going to need a mop.
Accept this sacrifice, O great god of the Volcano.
Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean right?
Ok, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of an ape.
Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.

The downside of Aging

This is the story of two elderly people living in a Florida Mobile Home Park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her ad finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes, Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked you if you could marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who asked me."

Submitted by George Murdock

Downright silly jokes

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the Psyco path.

How do you get Holy Water?
You boil the Hell out of it.

What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
Dam!

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bullfighters in Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because the have big fingers.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka

What is the difference between a Harley and a vacuum cleaner?
The location of the Dirt Bag.

Why did Pilgrims pants always fall down?
Because they wore their belt buckles on their hats.

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, whack dang.
A bad skydiver goes dang, whack.
Submitted by Shirley Manchester

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this.

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No, sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And to you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes Sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best come-back" line and we think he'll will.

Submitted by P. Puchert.

Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the "Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about the stuff, were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much that they declared a National Day of remembrance, which they still observed. It is known, of course, as...Sinko de Mayo.

Submitted by Ted M. Kennedy, Jr.

Back during World War II the meat was rationed by stamps and we never had ground beef. Nor did we have hamburgers. My nephew, who was born during the war, had never eaten one. He was familiar with the name, however, for his great uncle, who lived in the country, had named a baby calf "Hamburger", and Charles had spent many happy hours playing with this calf. After the war when meat was plentiful again, we were downtown and decided to get a bite to eat. I ordered two cokes and two hamburgers. Charles' manners both at home and eating out were almost perfect for a three year old, but his amazement and absolute disbelief at my order showed in his natural big eyes, which at the moment were as large as saucers! He laid his arm on the counter and propped his head in his hand and issued me the greatest challenge of my life by saying matter of factly, "Aunt Jewel, I'll drink the two cokes and you eat the two cows!"

Submitted by Mrs. Oliver Shamis

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy, " the little boy said, "All you do is add up, like the preacher said:
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decided that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."

A six-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys."

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw a picture of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.
"I see...And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus."
Mrs. Terri said, "But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius the Pilot."

The Sunday School Teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies, " I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."

A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trapdoor and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled, "Hallelujah! He is full!"

Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, "If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!" It worked.

Submitted by George Murdock

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing while several applicants demonstrated their skills, he decided to call it a day. Just then a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man, "Observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, while rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death on the street below. The stunned bishop immediately rushed down the stairways. When reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

And there's more...

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death for this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" The first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

Submitted by Gloria G. Lindsey.

Cat Rules to follow:

Bathrooms - Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

Doors - Do not allow any closed door in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

Chairs and rugs - If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you backup so it is as long as a human's bare foot.

Hampering - If one of your humans in engaged in some activity, and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering."

Following are the rules for hampering:
A. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and there by stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
B. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book - unless you can lie across the book itself.
C. When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.

Walking - As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

Bedtime - Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

Litter box - When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

Hiding - Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three or four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses, and you probably will get a treat.

One last thought - Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often and don't forget the guests.

Submitted by Day Bonacorsi.

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the Newsletter of the New Zealand equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. This is a true story."

Dear Sirs:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed work, I had some bricks left over, which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down b hand, I decided to lower then in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will notice in Block 11 of the accident report form I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forget to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downwards at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by the time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough t lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.
Submitted by Beth Alligood.

Resignation
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8-year-old again. I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks. I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple; when all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again. I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So....here's my checkbook and my car keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause......

Tag! Your it.

Submitted by George Murdock.

Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing
It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.
1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Musing on a visit to Scotland
The Earl of Cowdor who refused to ride the train considering it an unnecessary risk. I'm pretty sure that was before the engineer named Botch designed a trestle that immediately collapsed under the weight of a train - hence the expression botched job.

Favorite trivia: Mobile homes are called static caravans.

Great signs:
"Poachers Retreat" - get off my land, and "Unsuitable for Coaches" - don't park your bus here.

Submitted by the Clan Leslie Society