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“Here’s a large mouth
indeed!” …..
SHAKESPEARE – ‘King John’.
Arriving one evening at
an inn in Glasgow, I was shown into a room which already contained a
promiscuous assemblage of travellers. Amongst these
gentlemen—‘commercial’ gentlemen chiefly—there was one whose features
struck me as being the most ill-favoured I had ever beheld. He was a
large pursy old man, with forehead “villanous low,” hair like
bell-ropes, eyes the smallest and most porkish of all possible eyes, and
a nose which showed no more prominence in a side-view than that of the
moon, as exhibited in her first quarter upon a freemason’s apron. All
these monstrosities were, however, as beauties, as absolute perfections,
compared with the mouth—the enormous mouth, which, grinning beneath,
formed a sort of rustic basement to the whole superstructure of his
facial horrors. This mouth—if mouth it could be called, which bore so
little resemblance to the mouths of mankind in general—turned full upon
me as I entered, and happening at the moment to be employed in a yawn,
actually seemed as if it would have willingly received me into its
prodigious crater, and consigned me to the fate of Empedocles, without
so much as a shoe being left to tell the tale.
The company of a traveller’s room is generally very stiff, every man
sitting by his own table in his own corner, with his back turned upon
the rest. It was not so, however, on the present occasion. The most of
the present company seemed to have been so long together in the hotel as
to have become very gracious with each other; while any recent comers,
finding themselves plumped into a society already thawed and commingled,
had naturally entered into the spirit of the rest. Soon discovering how
matters stood, I joined in the conversation, and speedily found that the
man with the large mouth was one of the most polite and agreeable of
mankind. He was one of those old, experienced gentlemen of the road, who
know everything that is necessary to be known, and are never at a loss
about anything. His jokes, his anecdotes, his remarks, were all
excellent, and kept the rest bound, as it were, in a chain. The best of
him was, that he seemed quite at ease on the subject of his mouth.
No doubt he was conscious of his preternatural ugliness—for whatever may
be said about the blinding effect of self-love, and so forth, I hold
that the most of people know pretty nearly how they stand as to personal
attractions ; but he had none of that boggling, unsteady, uncomplacent
deportment, so remarkable in the generality of ill-looking people. On
the contrary, there was an air of perfect self-satisfaction about him,
which told that he either was so familiar with the dreadful fact as to
mind it not, or that he was a thorough man of the world, above
considering so trivial a particular, or that he was rich, and could
afford to be detested. It was curious, however, that even while he
almost convulsed the rest with his jokes, he never laughed in the least
himself. He evidently dared not; the guffaw of such a man must have
produced consequences not to be calmly contemplated., Part, indeed, of
the humorous effect of his conversation arose from the cautious way in
which he managed his month. A small aperture at one side, bearing the
same proportion to the whole that the wicket of a carriage-gate does to
the whole gate itself, served for the emission of his words. Anything
else would have been a mere waste of lip.
On my ordering refreshment, I was informed by the company, that in
consideration of this being the anniversary of a distinguished
historical event, they had agreed to sup together in a rather more
formal way than usual, and that they would be happy if I would join
them. Having assented to the proposal, I began to reflect with some
anxiety upon the probable conduct of the Mouth at table. How so
extraordinary a feature would behave, what it would ask for, after what
manner it would masticate, and, above all, how much it would devour,
were to me subjects of the most interesting speculation. The wicket
won’t do there (thought I to myself), or I’m much mistaken. Yet
again,—so ran my thoughts,—many large men have been known to eat very
little, while your true devourers are found to be lean, shrivelled
creatures, who do not seem to be ever the better of it. "A large mouth,”
says the Scottish proverb, "has always a good luck for its meat." That
may be, thought I, and yet the large mouth may be quite indifferent to
what it is so sure of getting. All kinds of ideas connected with this
subject ran through my mind; but in the end I found it all a riddle. The
Mouth might prove either gluttonous or abstemious, without exciting more
surprise by the one event than by the other.
By-and-by some one asked a waiter if supper was nearly ready, and on an
answer in the affirmative being given, I observed the Mouth suddenly
bustle up, and assume an air of eager promptitude that almost seemed to
decide the question. The man rose, and, going to a corner of the room
where his great-coat was hanging, brought forth a small package, which
he proceeded to untie at a side-table. The only article it contained was
a spoon, which he immediately brought forward and laid upon the table,
accompanying the action with an air that might have befitted a surgeon
in arranging his instruments for an operation. I had no longer any doubt
as to the gastronomical, character of the Mouth, for here was an article
that might have served in the nursery of Glumdalclitch. It was an
antique silver implement, with a short handle, and a rim about four
inches in diameter, like an ordinary saucer Observing the curiosity of
the company to be strongly excited, the old man showed it round with
good-natured politeness, telling us that he had been so long accustomed
at home to the use of this goodly article, that he could now hardly
discuss either soup or dessert without it, and therefore made a point of
carrying it along with him in his travels.
"But, indeed, gentlemen,” said he, "why should I make this a matter of
delicacy with you? The truth is, the spoon has a history, and my
mouth—none of the least, you see—has also a history. If you feel any
curiosity upon these points, I will give you a biographical account of
the one, and an autobiographical account of the other, to amuse you till
supper is ready."
To this frank proposal we all cordially agreed, and the old man, sitting
down with the spoon in his hand, commenced a narrative which I shall
here give in the third person.
His mouth was the chieftain and representative of a long ancestral line
of illustrious and most extensive mouths, which had flourished for
centuries at a place called Tullibody. According to tradition, the mouth
came into the family by marriage. An ancestor of the speaker wooed, and
was about to wed, a lady of great personal attractions, but no fortune,
when his father interfered, and induced him, by the threat of
disinheritation on the one hand, and the temptation of great wealth on
the other, to marry another dame, the heiress of a large fortune and
large mouth, both bequeathed to her by her grandfather, one of the
celebrated "kail-suppers of Fife.” When his resolution was communicated
to the tocherless lady, she was naturally very much enraged, and wished
that the mouth of her rival might descend, in all its latitude, to the
latest generation of her faithless swain’s posterity; after which she
took her bed … and married another lover, her second-best, next week, by
way of revenge.
The country people, who pay great attention to the sayings of ladies
condemned to wear the willow, waited anxiously for the fulfilment of her
malediction, and accordingly shook their heads and had their own
thoughts, when the kail - supper’s descendant brought forth a son whose
mouth, even in his swaddling-clothes, reflected back credit on her own.
The triumph of the ill-wisher was considered complete, when the second,
the third, and all the other children, were found to be distinguished by
this feature ; and what gave the triumph still more poignancy was, that
the daughters were found to be no more exempted than the sons from the
family doom. In the second generation, moreover, instead of being
softened or diluted away, the mouth rather increased, and so it had done
in every successive generation since that time. The rape having been
very prolific, it was now spread so much that there was scarcely a face
in Tullibody or the neighbourhood altogether free of the contagion; so
that the person addressing us, who had his permanent residence there,
could look round him upon several hundreds of kindred mouths, with all
the patriarchal feelings of the chief of a large Highland clan.
If there had been any disposition in the family to treat their fate
ill-humouredly, it would have been neutralised by the luck which
evidently accompanied the introduction and transmission of this singular
feature. So far, however, from entertaining any grudge or regret upon
the subject, it had been the habit of the family to treat it as a
capital joke, and to be always the first to laugh at it themselves. So
much was this the case, that a wealthy representative 0f the family,
about a century ago, founded, not an hospital or a school, but a spoon,
which should be handed down from mouth to mouth as a practical and
traditionary jest upon the family feature, and, though not entailed, be
regarded, he hoped, as a thing never to be parted with for any
consideration, unless fate should capriciously contract the mouths of
his descendants to such a degree as to render its use inconvenient. This
elegant symbol, after passing through the hands of a long train of
persons, who had each been more able than another to use it effectively,
came at length into the possession of the individual now addressing us—a
person evidently qualified to de full justice to the intentions of his
ancestor.
It was, therefore, with the apprehension of something awful, that after
the conclusion of the story, and the introduction of supper, I took a
place at the well-spread board. In sitting down, I cast a look at the
Mouth. It was hovering, like a prodigious rainbow, over the horizon of
the table, uncertain where to pitch itself. There was an air of terrible
resolution about it, which made me almost tremble for what was to ensue.
It was evident that we were to have " a scene.”
The Mouth—for so it might be termed ‘par excellence’ was preferred by
acclamation to the head of the table,—a distinction awarded, as I
afterwards understood, not so much on account of its superior greatness,
as in consideration of its seniority, though I am sure it deserved the
‘pas’ on both accounts. The inferior and junior mouths all sat down at
different distances from the great Mouth, like satellites round a mighty
planet. It uttered a short, gentleman-like grace, and then began to ask
its neighbours what they would have. Some asked for one thing, some for
another, and in a short time all were served except itself. For its own
part it complained of weak appetite, and expressed a fear that it should
not be able to take anything at all. I could scarcely credit the
declaration. It added, in a singularly prim tone of voice, that, for its
part, it admired the taste of Beau Tibbs in Goldsmith—" Something nice,
and a little will do. I hate your immense loads of meat; that’s country
all over.” Hereupon, I plucked up courage, and ventured to look at it
again. It was still terrible, though placid. Its expression was that of
a fresh and strong warrior, who hesitates a moment to consider into what
part of a thick battle he shall plunge himself, or what foes he shall
select as worthy of particular attack. Its look belied its word; but
again I was thrown back by its words belying its look. It said to a
neighbour of mine, that it thought it might perhaps manage the half of
the tail of one of the herrings at his elbow, if he would be so kind as
carve. Was there ever such a puzzling mouth! I was obliged again to give
credit to words; yet again was I disappointed. My neighbour thinking it
absurd to mince such a matter as a "Glasgow magistrate," handed up a
whole one to the chairman. The Mouth received it with a torrent of
refusals and remonstrances, in the midst of which it began to eat, and I
heard it continue to mumble forth expostulations, in a fainter and
fainter tone, at the intervals of bites, for a few seconds; till,
behold, the whole corporate substance of the burghal dignitary had
melted away to a long meagre skeleton! When done, its remonstrances
changed into a wonder how it should have got through so plump a fish; it
was perfectly astonishing; it had never eaten a whole herring in its
life before; it was an unaccountable miracle.
I did not hear the latter sentences of its wonderments; but, towards the
conclusion, heard the word "fowl" distinctly pronounced. The fowls lying
to my hand, I found myself under the necessity of entering into
conference with it, though I felt a mortal disinclination to look it in
the mouth, lest I should betray some symptom of emotion inconsistent
with good manners. Drawing down my features into a resolute pucker, and
mentally vowing I would speak to it though it should blast me, I cast my
eyes slowly and cautiously towards it, and made inquiry as to its choice
of bits. In return for my interrogation, I received a polite convulsion,
intended for a smile, and a request, out of which I only caught the
important words, "breast" and " wing." I made haste to execute the
order; and, on handing away the desired viands, received from the mouth
another grateful convulsion, and then, to my great relief, all was over!
Well, thought I, at this juncture, a herring and a fragment of fowl are
no such great matters ; perhaps the Mouth will prove quite a natural
mouth after all. In brief space, however, the chairman’s plate was
announced as again empty; and I heard it receive, discuss, and answer
various proposals of replenishment made to it by its more immediate
neighbours. I thought I should escape; but no—the fowl was really so
good that it thought it would trouble me for another breast, if I would
be so kind. I was of course obliged to look at it again, in order to
receive its request in proper form; when neglecting this time my former
preparations of face, I had nearly committed myself by looking it full
in the mouth with my eyes wide open, and without having screwed my
facial-muscles into their former resolute astringency. However,
instantly apprehending the amount of its demands, my glance at the Mouth
fortunately required to be only rnomentary, and I found immediate relief
from all danger in the ensuing business of carving. Yet even that glance
was in itself a dreadful trial—it sufficed to inform me that the Mouth
was now more terrible than before—that there was a fearful vivacity
about it, a promptitude, an alacrity, and energy, which it did not
formerly exhibit. Should this increase, thought I, it will soon be truly
dreadful. I handed up a whole fowl to it, in a sort of desperation. It
made no remonstrances, as in the case of the herring, at the abundance
of my offering. So far from that, it seemed to forgive my disobedience
with the utmost goodwill; received the fowl, dispatched it with silence
and celerity, and then began to look abroad for further prey. Indeed, it
now began to crack jokes upon itself …a sportive species of suicide. It
spoke of the spoon; lamented that, after all, there should be no soups
at table whereon it might have exhibited itself; and finally vowed that
it would visit the deficiencies of the supper upon the dessert, even
unto the third and fourth dish of ‘blancmange’.
The proprietor of the mouth then laid down the spoon upon the table,
there to lie in readiness till such time as he should find knives and
forks of no farther service—as the Scottish soldiery in former times
used to lay their shields upon the ground while making use of their
spears. I now gave up all hopes of the Mouth observing any propriety in
its future transactions. Having finished my own supper, I resolved to
set myself down to observe all its sayings and doings. Its placidity was
now gone—its air of self-possession lost. New powers seemed to be every
moment developing themselves throughout its vast form—new and more
terrible powers. It was beginning to have a wild look! It was evident
that it was now ‘fleshed’ —that its naturally savage disposition,
formerly dormant for want of excitement, was now rising tumultuously
within it—that it would soon perform such deeds as would scare us all!
It had engaged itself, before I commenced my observations, upon a roast
gigot of mutton, which happened to lie near it. This it soon nearly
finished. It then cast a look of fearful omen at a piece of cold beef,
which lay immediately beyond, and which, being placed within reach by
some kind neighbour, it immediately commenced to, with as much
fierceness as it had just exemplified in the case of the mutton. The
beef also was soon laid waste, and another look of extermination was
forthwith cast at a broken pigeon-pie, which lay still farther off.
Hereupon the eye had scarcely alighted, when the man nearest it, with
laudable promptitude, handed it upwards. Scarcely was it laid on the
altar of destruction, when it disappeared too, and a fourth, and a
fifth, and a sixth look, were successively cast at other dishes, which
the different members of the party as promptly sent away, and which the
Mouth as promptly dispatched.
By this time all the rest of the party were lying upon their oars,
observing with leisurely astonishment the progress of the surviving,
and, as it appeared to them, endless feeder. He went on, rejoicing in
his strength, unheeding their idleness and wonder, his very soul
apparently engrossed in the grand business of devouring. They seemed to
enter into a sort of tacit I compact, or agreement, to indulge and g
facilitate him in his progress, by making themselves, as it were, his
servitors. Whatever dish he looked at, therefore, over the wide expanse
of the table, immediately disappeared from its place. One after another,
they trooped off towards the head of the table, like the successive
brigades which Wellington dispatched, at Waterloo, against a particular
held of French artillery; and still, dish after dish, like said
brigades, came successively away, broken, diminished, annihilated. Fish,
flesh, and fowl disappeared at the glance of that awful eye, as the
Roman fleet withered and vanished before the grand burning-glass of
Archimedes. The end of all things seemed at hand. The Mouth was arrived
at a perfect transport of voracity! It seemed no more capable of
restraining itself than some great engine, full of tremendous machinery,
which cannot stop of itself. It had no self-will. It was an
unaccountable being. It was a separate creature, independent of the
soul. It was not human thing at all. It was everything that was
superhuman. All objects seemed reeling and toppling on towards it, like
the foam-bells upon a mighty current, floating silently on towards the
orifice of some prodigious sea-cave. It was like the whirlpool of
Maelstrom, everything that comes within the vortex of which, for miles
around, is sure of being caught, inextricably involved, whirled round
and round and round, and then down that monstrous gulph——that mouth of
the mighty ocean, the lips of which are overwhelming waves, whose teeth.
are prodigious rocks, and whose belly is the great abyss!
Here I grew dizzy, fainted, and …. I never saw the Mouth again. |
