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The time of Tammie Bodkin’s
apprenticeship being nearly worn through, it behoved me, as a man
attentive to business and the interests of my family, to cast my een
around me in search of a callant to fill his place, as it is customary
in our trade for our young men, when their time is out, taking a year’s
journeymanship in Edinburgh to perfect them in the mair intricate
branches of the business, and learn the newest manner of the French and
London fashions, by cutting claith for the young advocates, the college
students, and the rest of the principal tip-top bucks.
Having, though I say it myself, the word of being a canny maister, mair
than ane brought their callants to me, on reading the bill of "An
Apprentice Wanted " plaistered on my shop window. Offering to bind them
for the regular time, yet not wishing to take but ane, I thocht best no
to fix in a hurry, and make choice of him that seemed mair exactly cut
out for my purpose. In the course of a few weeks three or four cast up,
among whom was a laddie of Ben Aits, the mealmonger, and a son of
William Burlings, the baker ; to say little of Saunders Broom, the
sweep, that wad fain hae putten his blackit-looking bit creature with
the ae ee under my wing ; but I aye lookit to respectability in these
matters, so glad was I when I got the offer of Mungo Glen.—But more of
this in half a minute.
I must say I was glad of any feasible excuse to make to the sweep, to
get quit of him and his laddie,-—the father being a drucken ne'er-do-weel,
that I wonder didna fa’ lang ere this time of day from some chumley-head,
and get his neck broken; so I tell’t him at lang and last, when he came
papping into the shop, plaguing me every time he passed, that I had
fittit mysel, and that there would be nae need of his taking the trouble
to call again. Upon which he gaed his blackit neeve a desperate thump on
the counter, making the observe, that out of respect for him I might
have given his son the preference. Though I was a wee puzzled for an
answer, I said to him, for want of a better, that having a timber leg,
he couldna weel crook his hough to the labroad for our trade.
"Hout, tout," said Saunders, giving his lips a smack—"crook his hough,
ye body you! Do ye think his timber leg canna screw off? That’ll no
pass.”
I was a wee dumbfoundered at this cleverness; so I said, mair on my
guard, "True, true, Saunders; but he’s ower little.”
"Ower little, and be hanged to ye!" cried the disrespectful fellow,
wheeling about on his heel, as he graspit the sneck of the shop door,
and gaed a grin that showed the only clean pairts of his body-—to wit,
the whites o’ his een, and his sharp teeth,-"Ower little!—Pu, pu!—He’s
like the blackamoor’s pig, then, Maister Wauch,-he’s like the
blackamoor’s pig-he may be ver’ little, but he be tam ould ;” and with
this he showed his back, clapping the door at his tail without wishing a
good day; and I am scarcely sorry when I confess that I never cuttit
claith for either father or son from that day to this ane, the losing of
such a customer being no great matter at best, and amaist clear gain,
compared with saddling mysel wi’ a callant with only ae ee and ae leg,
the tane having fa’en a victim to the dregs of the measles, and the
ither having been harled aff wi’ a farmer’s threshing-mill. However, I
got rnysel properly suited.—But ye shall hear.
Our neighbour, Mrs Grassie, a widow woman, unco intimate wi’ our wife,
and very attentive to Benjie when he had the chincough, had a far-away
cousin, o’ the name o’ Glen, that haddit out amang the howes of the
Lammermoor hills-—a distant part of the country, ye observe. Auld Glen,
a decent-looking body of a creature, had come in wi’ his sheltie about
some private matters of business—such as the buying of a horse, or
something to that effect, where he could best fa' in wi’t, either at our
fair, or the Grassmarket, or sic like; so he had up-pitting free of
expense from Mrs Grassie, on account of his relationship, Glen being
second cousin to Mrs Grassie’s brother’ s wife, wha is deceased. I
might, indeed, have mentioned, that our neighbour hersel had been twice
married, and had the misery of seeing out baith her gudemen ; but sic
was the will of fate, and she bore up with perfect resignation.
Having made a bit warm dinner ready—for she was a tidy body, and kent
what was what—she thought she couldna do better than ask in a reputable
neighbour to help her friend to eat it, and take a cheerer wi’ him; as,
maybe, being a stranger here, he wouldna like to use the freedom of
drinking by himsel—a custom which is at the best an unsocial ane—especially
wi’ nane but women—folk near him, so she did me the honour to make
choice of me, though I say’t, wha shouldna ‘say’t; and when we got our
jug filled for the second time, and began to grow better acquainted, ye
would just wonder to see how we became merry, and crackit away just like
twa pen-guns. I asked him, ye see, about sheep and cows, and corn and
hay, and ploughing and thrashing, and horses and carts, and fallow land,
and lambing-time, and har’st, and making cheese and butter, and selling
eggs, and curing the sturdie, and the snifters, and the batts, and sic
like ; and he, in his turn, made enquiry regarding broad and narrow
claith, Kilmarnock cowls, worsted comforters, Shetland hose, mittens,
leather caps, stuffing and padding, metal and mule-buttons, thorls,
pocket—linings, serge, twist, buckram, shaping, and sewing,
back-splaying, rund-gooseing, measuring, and all the ither particulars
belanging to our trade, which he said, at lang and last, after we had
jokit thegither, was a power better ane than the farmimg.
"Ye should mak yer son ane, then, " said I, " if ye think sae. Have ye
ony bairns ?"
"Ye’ve het the nail on the head. ’Od, man, if ye wasna sae far away, I
would bind our auldest callant to yersel, I’m sae weel pleased wi’ yer
gentlemanly manners. But I’m speaking havers."
"Havers here or havers there; what," said I, "is to prevent ye boarding
him, at a cheap rate, either wi’ our friend Mrs Grassie, or wi’ the
wife? Either of the twa wad be a sort of mother till him."
"Deed, I daursay they would,” answered Maister Glen, stroking his chin,
which was gey rough, and hadna got a clean sin’ Sunday, having had four
days of sheer growth—our meeting, ye’ll observe by this, being on the
Thursday afternoon—"’Deed would they. ’Od, I maun speak to the mistress
about it."
On the head of this we had anither jug, three being cannie, after which
we were baith a wee tozy-mozy; so I daursay Mrs Grassie saw plainly that
we were getting into a state where we wad not easily make a halt; so,
without letting on, she brought in the tea things before us, and showed
us a play-bill, to tell us that a company of strolling play-actors had
come in a body in the morning, with a hale cartful of scenery and grand
dresses, and were to make an exhibition at seven o’clock, at the ransom
of a shilling a head, in Laird Wheatley’s barn.
Mony a time and often had I heard of play-acting, and of players making
themselves kings and queens, and saying a great many wonderful things ;
but I had never before an opportunity of making mysel a witness to the
truth of these hearsays. So Maister Glen being as fu’ o’ nonsense, and
as fain to have his curiosity gratified as mysel, we took upon us the
stout resolution to gang out thegither, he offering to treat me, and I
determined to rin the risk of Maister Wiggie our minister’s rebuke for
the transgression, hoping it would make no lasting impression on his
mind, being for the first and only time. Folks shouldna at a’ times be
ower scrupulous.
After paying our money at the door, never, while I live and breathe,
will I forget what we saw and heard that night; it just looks to me by
all the world, when I think on’t, like a fairy dream. The place was
crowded to the full; Maister Glen and me having nearly got our ribs dung
in before we fand a seat, and them behint were obliged to mount the back
benches to get a sight. Right to the forehand of us was a large green
curtain, some five or six ells wide, a guid deal the waur of the wear,
having seen service through twa three simmers; and, just in the front of
it, were eight or ten penny candles stuck in a board fastened to the
ground, to let us see the players' feet like, when they came on the
stage,—and even before they came on the stage,—for the curtain being
scrimpit in length, we saw legs and feet moving behind the scenes very
neatly; while twa blind fiddlers they had brought with them played the
bonniest ye ever heard. ’Od, the very music was worth a sixpence of
itsel.
The place, as I said before, was choke-full, just to excess, so that one
could scarcely breathe. Indeed, I never saw ony part sae crowded, not
even at a tent-preaching, when the Rev. Mr Roarer was giving his
discourses on the building of Solomon’s Temple. We were obligated to
have the windows opened for a mouthful of fresh air, the barn being as
close as a baker’s oven, my neighbour and me fanning our red faces wi’
our hats, to keep us cool; and, though all were half stewed, we
certainly had the worst o’t,—the toddy we had ta’en having fermented the
blood of our bodies into a perfect fever.
Just at the time that the twa blind fiddles were playing "The Downfall
of Paris," a handbell rang, and up goes the green curtain; being hauled
to the ceiling, as I observed wi’ the tail of my ee, by a birkie at, the
side, that had haud of a rope. So, on the music stopping, and all
becoming as still as that you might have heard a pin fall, in comes a
decent old gentleman at his leisure, weel powthered, wi’ an auld
fashioned coat on, waistcoat with flap-pockets, brown breeches with
buckles at the knees, and silk stockings with red gushets on a blue
ground. I never saw a man in sic distress; he stampit about, cladding
the end of his staff on the ground, and imploring all the powers of
heaven and yearth to help him to find out his runawa’ daughter, that had
decampit wi’ some ne’er-do-weel of a half-pay captain, that keppit her
in his arms frae her bedroom window, up twa pair o’ stairs. Every father
and head of a family maun hae felt for a man in his situation, thus to
be rubbit of his dear bairn, and an only daughter too, as he tell’t us
ower and ower again, as the saut, saut tears ran gushing down his
withered face, and he aye blew his nose on his clean calendered pocket
napkin. But, ye ken, the thing was absurd to suppose that we should ken
onything about the matter, having never seen either him or his daughter
between the een afore, and no kenning them by headmark; so though we
sympathised with him, as folks ought to do wi’ a fellow-creature in
affliction, we thought it best to haud our tongues, to see what might
cast up better than he expected. So out he gaed stumping at the ither
side, determined, he said, to find them out, though he should follow
them to the world’s end, Johnny Groat’s House, or something to that
effect.
Hardly was his back turned, and amaist before ye could cry jack
Robinson, in comes the birkie and the very young leddy the auld
gentleman described, arm-in-arm thegither, srnoodging and lauching like
daft. Dog on it! It was a shameless piece of business. As true as death,
before all the crowd of folk, he pat his arm round her waist, and ca'ed
her his sweatheart, and love, and dearie, and darling, and everything
that is sweet. If they had been courting in a close thegither on a
Friday night, they couldna hae said mair to ane anither, or gaen greater
lengths. I thought sic shame to be an ee-witness to sic ongoings, that I
was obliged at last to haud up my hat afore my face, and look down;
though, for a’ that, the young lad, to be sic a blackguard as his
conduct showed, was weel enough faured, and had a gude coat to his back,
wi' double-gilt buttons, and fashionable lapells, to say little of a
very weel-made pair of buckskins, a little the waur o’ the wear to be
sure, but which, if they had been weel cleaned, would hae lookit amaist
as gude as new. How they had come we never could learn, as we neither
saw chaise nor gig; but, from his having spurs on his boots, it is mair
than likely they had lightit at the back-door of the barn frae a horse,
she riding on a pad behint him, maybe with her hand round his waist.
The faither lookit to be a rich auld bool, baith from his manner of
speaking and the rewards he seemed to offer for the apprehension of his
daughter; but, to be sure, when so many of us were present, that had an
equal right to the spulzie, it wadna be a great deal a thousand pounds
when divided, still it was worth the looking after; so we just bidit a
wee.
Things were brought to a bearing, howsomever, sooner than either
themsels, I daursay, or anybody else present, seemed to hae the least
glimpse of ; for, just in the middle of their fine goings-on, the sound
of a coming fit was heard, and the lassie taking guilt to her, cried
out, "Hide me, hide me, for the sake of gudeness, for yonder comes my
auld faither! "
Nae sooner said than done. In he stappit her into a closet ; and after
shutting the door on her, he sat down upon a chair, pretending to be
asleep in a moment. The auld faither came bouncing in, and seeing the
fellow as sound as p a tap, he ran forrit and gaed him sic a shake, as
if he wad hae shooken him a’ sundry, which sune made him open his een as
fast as he had steekit them.
After blackguarding the chield at no allowance, cursing him up hill and
down dale, and ca’ing him every name but a gentleman, he held his staff
ower his crown, and gripping him by the cuff o’ the neck, askit him what
he had made o’ his daughter. Never since I was born did I ever see sic
brazen-faced impudence. The rascal had the brass to say at ance, that he
hadna seen word or wittens of his daughter for a month, though mair than
a hundred folks sitting in his company had seen him dauting her with his
arm round her jimpy waist not five minutes before. As a man, as a
father, as an elder of our kirk, my corruption was raised,—for I aye
hated leeing, as a puir cowardly sin, and an inbreak on the ten
commandments; and I found my neebour, Mr Glen, fidgeting on the seat as
well as me, so I thocht that whaever spoke first wad hae the best right
to be entitled to the reward; whereupon, just as he was in the act of
rising up, I took the word out of his mouth, saying, "Dinna believe him,
auld gentleman—dinna believe him, friend; he’s telling a parcel of lees.
Never saw her for a month! It’s no worth arguing, or ca’ing witnesses;
just open that press door, and ye’ll see whether I’m speaking truth or
no.”
The auld man stared, and lookit dumfoundered ; and the young man,
instead of rinnin’ forrit wi’ his doubled nieves to strike me—the only
thing I was feared for—began a lauching, as if I had dune him a gude
turn. But never since I had abeing, did ever I witness sic an uproar and
noise as immediately took place. The hale house was sae glad that the
scoundrel had been exposed, that they set up siccan a roar o’ lauchter,
and they thumpit away at siccan a rate at the boards wi’ their feet,
that at lang and last, wi’ pushing and tidgeting, clapping their hands,
and hadding their sides, down fell the place they ca’ the gallery, a’
the folk in’t being hurled tapsy-turvy, head foremost amang the sawdust
on the floor below ; their guffawing sune being turned to howling, ilka
ane crying louder than anither at the tap of their voices, "Murder!
Murder ! haud aff me. Murder, my ribs are in. Murder! I'm killed—I’m
speechless!" and ither lamentations to that effect; so that a rush to
the door took place, in which everything was overturned—the door-keeper
being wheeled away like wildfire ; the furms strampit to pieces; the
lights knockit out; and the twa blind fiddlers dung head foremost ower
the stage, the bass fiddle cracking like thunder at every bruise. Siccan
tearing and swearing, and tumbling and squealing, was never witnessed in
the memory of man, since the building of Babel ; legs being likely to be
broken, sides staved in, een knocked out, and lives lost; there being
only one door, and that a sma’ ane; so that, when we had been carried
aff our feet that length, my wind was fairly gane, and a sick dwalm cam
ower me, lights of a' manner of colours, red, blue, green, and orange,
dancing before me, that entirely deprived me o’ my common sense, till on
opening my een in the dark, I fand myself leaning wi’ my braid side
against the wa’ on the opposite side of the close. It was some time
before I mindit what had happened; so, dreading scaith, I fand first the
ae arm, and then the ither, to see if they were broken—syne my head—and
syne baith o’ my legs; but a’ as weel as I could discover was skin—hale
and scart-free ; on perceiving which, my joy was without bounds, having
a great notion that I had been killed on the spot. So I reached round my
hand very thankfully to tak out my pocket napkin, to gie my brow a wipe,
when, lo and behold, the tail of my Sunday’s coat was fairly aff an’
away—dockit by the hench buttons.
Sae muckle for plays and play-actors —the first and last, I trust in
grace, that I shall ever see. But indeed I could expect nae better,
after the warning that Maister Wiggie had mair than ance gien us frae
the pulpit on the subject; sae, instead of getting my grand reward for
finding the auld man’s daughter, the hale covey o’ them, nae better than
a set of swindlers, took leg-bail, and made that very night a moonlight
flitting, and Johnny Hammer, honest man, that had wrought frae sunrise
to sunset, for twa days, fitting up their place for contract, instead of
being well paid for his trouble, as he deserved, got naething left him
but a rackle of his own gude deals, a’ dung to shivers. |
