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A second passage in the life
of William M’Gee, Weaver in Hamilton
By Robert MacNish, L.L. D.
I dinna think that in a’
nature there’s a mair curiouser cratur than a monkey. I mak this observe
frae being witness to an extraordinar’ event that took place in
Hamilton, three or four days after my never-to-be-forgotten story of the
‘Battle of the Breeks.’ Some even gaed the length to say that it was to
the full mair curiouser than that affair, in sae far as the principal
performer in the ae case was a rational man, whereas in the ither he was
only a bit ape. But folk may talk as they like about monkeys, and cry
them down for being stupid and mischievous, I for ane will no gang that
length. Whatever they may be on the score of mischief, there can be nae
doubt, that, sae far as gumption is concerned, they are just uncommon;
and for wit and fun they would beat ony man black and blue. In fact, I
dinna think that monkeys are beasts ava. I hae a half notion that they
are just wee hairy men, that canna or rather winna speak, in case they
may be made to work like ither folk, instead of leading a life of
idleness.
But to the point. I ance
had a monkey, ane of the drollest looking deevils ye ever saw. He was
gayan big for a monkey, and was hairy a’ ower, except his face and his
bit hurdies, which had a degree of bareness about them, and were nearly
as saft as a lady’s loof. Weel, what think ye that I did wi’ the
beastie? 'Od, man, I dressed him up like a Heelandman, and put a kilt
upon him, and a lang-tailed red coat, and a blue bannet, which for
security’s sake I tied, woman-like, below his chin, wi’ twa bits of
yellow ribbon. I not only did this, but I learnt him to walk upon his
twa hinder legs, and to carry a stick in his right hand when he gaed
out, the better to support him in his peregrinations. He was for a’ the
world like a wee man in kilts—sae much sae, that when Glengarry, the
great Heeland chieftain, wha happened to be at Hamilton on a visit to
the Duke, saw him by chance, he swore by the powers that he was like ane
o’ the Celtic Society, and that if I likit he would endeavour to get him
admitted a member of that body. I thocht at the time that Glengarry was
jokin’, but I hae since had gude reason for thinking that he was in real
earnest, as Andrew Brand says that he and the Celts hae been like to cut
ane anither’s throats, and that he micht mean this as an affront upon
them. Hoosomever I maun do Glengarry the justice to say, that had he got
my Nosey (that was his name) made a member, he wadna hae pruved the
least witty or courageous o’ the society, and would hae dune nae
disgrace to the chief ’s recommendation.
But I am fleeing awa like
a shuttle frae the subject on hand. Weel, it turned out in this manner,
as ye shall hear. Ae afternoon towards the gloamin’, I was obligated to
tak a stap down to the cross wi’ a web under my arm, which I had
finished for Mr Weft, the muslin manufacturer. By way of frolic—a gayan
foolish ane I allow—I brocht Nosey alang wi’ me. He had on, as for
ordinar, his Heeland dress, and walkit behind me, wi’ the bit stick in
his hand and his tail sticking out frae below his kilt, as if he had
been my flunkey. It was, after a’, a queer sicht, and, as may be
supposed, I drew a hale crowd o’ bairns after me, bawling out, "Here’s
Willie M‘Gee’s monkey," and giein’ him nits and gingerbread, and makin’
as muckle o` the cratur as could be; for Nosey was a great favourite in
the town, and everybody likit him for his droll tricks, and the way he
used to girn, and dance, and tumble ower his head, to amuse them.
On entering Mr Weft’s
shop, I faund it empty; there wasna leiving soul within. I supposed he
had gane out for a licht; and being gayan familiar wi’ him, I took a
stap ben to the back shop, leaving Nosey in the fore ane. I sat for twa
or three minutes, but naebody made his appearance. At last the front
door, which I had ta’en care to shut after me, opened, and I look’t to
see what it could be, thinking that, nae doubt, it was Mr Weft, or his
apprentice. It was neither the ane nor the ither, but a strong
middle-aged, red-faced Heelandman, wi' specks on, and wi’ a kilt and a
bannet, by a’ the world like my monkey’s. Now, what think ye Nosey was
about a’ this time? He was sittin’ behind the counter upon the lang
three-leggit stool that stood forenent Mr Weft’s desk, and was turning
ower the leaves of his ledger wi’ a look which, for auld-fashioned
sagaciousness, was wonderfu’ to behold. I was sae tickled at the sight
that I paid nae sort of attention to the Heelandman, but continued
looking frae the backshop at Nosey, lauching a’ the time in my
sleeve—for I jaloused that some queer scene would tak place between the
twa. And I wasna far wrang, for the stranger, takin’ out a pound frae
his spleuchan, handed it ower to the monkey, and speered at him, in his
droll norland deealect, if he could change a note. When I heard this, I
thought I would hae lauched outright; and naething but sheer curiosity
to see how the thing would end made me keep my gravity. It was plain
that Donald had ta’en Nosey for ane of his ain countrymen—and the thing
after a’ wasna greatly to be wondered at, and that for three reasons.
Firstly, the shop was
rather darkish.
Secondly, the Heelandman
had on specks, as I hae just said; and it was likely on this account
that he was rather short-sighted; and
Thirdly, Nosey, wi’ his
kilt, and bannet, and red coat, was to a’ intents and purposes as like a
human creature as a monkey could weel be.
Nae sooner, then, had he
got the note than he opened it out, and lookit at it wi’ his wee,
glowrin’, restless een, as if to see that it wasna a forgery. He then
shook his head like a doctor when he’s no very sure`what’s wrang wi’ a
person, but wants to mak it appear that he kens a’ about it—and
continued in this style till the Heelandman's patience began to get
exhausted.
"Can ye no shange the
note, old shentlemau?" quo’ Donald. Nosey gied his head anither shake,
and lookit uncommon wise.
"Is the note no goot,
sir?" spake the Heelandman, a second time; but the cratur, instead of
answering him, only gied anither of his wise shakes, as much as to say,
"I’m no very sure about it." At this Donald lost his temper. "If the
note doesna please ye, sir,” quo’ he, "I’ll thank ye to gie me it back
again, and I’ll gang to some ither place." And he stretchit out his hand
to tak haud o’t, when my frien’ wi’ the tail, lifting up his stick, lent
him sic a whack ower the fingers as made him pu’ back in the twinkling
of an ee.
"Cot tamn ye, ye auld scoundrel," said the man; " de ye mean to tak my
money frae me?" And he lifted up a rung big eneugh to fell a stot, and
let flee at the monkey; but Nosey was ower quick for him, and, jumping
aside, he lichted on a shelf before ane could say Jock Robinson. Here he
rowed up the note like a ba’ in his hand, and out it into his coat pouch
like ony rational cratur. Not only this, but he mockit the Heelandman by
a’ manner of means, shooting out his tongue at him, spitting at him, and
girning at him wi’ his queer outlandish physiogiomy. Then he would tak
haud o’ his ail in his twa hands, and wag it at Donald, and steeking his
nieves, he would seem to threaten him with a leatherin’! A’thegither he
was desperate impudent, and eneugh to try the patience of a saunt, no to
speak o’ a het-bluided Heelandman. It was gude for sair ren to see how
Donald behavit on this occasion. He raged like ane demented, misca’ing
the monkey beyond measure, and swearing as mony Gaelic aiths as nicht
hae saired an ordinar man for a twalmonth. During this time, I never
steered a foot, but keepit keekin’ frae the back shop upon a’ that was
ganging on. I was highly delighted; and jalousing that Nosey was ower
supple to be easily catched, I had nae apprehension for the event, and
remained snug in my berth to see the upshot.
In a short time, in comes
Mr Weft, wi' a piece of lowing paper in his hand, that he had got from
the next door to licht the shop; and nae sooner did Donald see him than
he axed him for his note.
"What note, honest man?"
said Mr Weft.
"Cot tamn," quo’ Donald;
"the note the auld scoundrel, your grand-fater, stole frae me."
"My grandfaither!"
answered the ither wi' amazement. "I am thinking, honest man, ye hae had
a glass ower muckle. My grandfaither has been dead for saxteen years,
and I ne’er heard tell till now that he was a fief."
"Weel, weel, then, quo’
the Heelanman, "I don’t care naething about it. If he’s no your
grandfaither, he’ll be your faither, or your brither, or your cousin."
"My faither or my brither,
or my cousin!" repeated Mr Weft. “I maun tell ye plainly, frien’, that I
hae neither faither, nor brither, nor cousin of ony description, on this
side of the grave. I dinna understand ye, honest man, but I reckon that
ye hae sat ower lang at the whisky, and my advice to ye is to stap awa
hame and sleep it aff.
At this speech the
Heelandman lost a’ patience, and lookit sae awfully fairce, that ance or
twice I was on the nick of coming forrit, and explaining how matters
really stood; but curiosity keepit me chained to the back shop, and I
just thoucht I would bide a wee, and see how the affair was like to end.
“Pray, wha are you, sir?"
said Donald, putting his hands in his sides, and looking through his
specks upon Mr Weft, like a deevil incarnit. "Wha are you, sir, that
daur to speak to me in this manner?"
"Wha am I?" said the
ither, drapping the remnant of the paper, which was burnin’ close to his
fingers, "I am Saunders Weft, manufacturer in Hamilton—that’s what I
am."
"And I am Tonald
Campbell, piper’s sister’s son to his grace the great, grand Tuke of
Argyll," thundered out the Heelandman, wi’ a voice that was fearsome to
hear.
"And what about that?”
quo’ Mr Weft, rather snappishly, as I thocht." If ye were the great,
grand Duke of Argyll himsel, as ye ca’ him, I’ll no permit you to kick
up a dust in my shop."
"Ye scounrel," said
Donald, seizing Mr Weft by the throat, and shaking him till he tottered
like an aspen leaf "div ye mean to speak ill of his grace the Tuke of
Argyll?” And he gied him anither shake—then, laying haud of his nose, he
swore that he would pu’t as lang as a cow’s tail, if he didna that
instant restore him his lost property.
At this sicht I began to
grue a’ ower, and now saw the needcessity of stapping ben, and saving my
employer frae farther damage, bodily and itherwise. Nae sooner had I
made my appearance than Donald let go his grip of Mr Weft's nose, and
the latter, in a great passion, cried out—
“William M‘Gee, I tak ye
to witness what I hae sufferit frae this bluidthirsty |Heelandman! It’s
no to be endured in a Christian country; I’ll hae the law of him, that I
will. ‘I’ll be whuppit but I’ll hae amends, although it costs me twenty
pounds!"
"What’s the matter?" quo’
I, pretending ignorance of the hale concern. "What, in the name of
Nebuchadnezzar, has sets ye thegither by the lugs?
Then Mr Weft began his
tale, how he had been collared and weel nigh thrappled in his ain
shop;—then the ither tauld how, in the first place, Mr Weft’s
grandfaither, as he ca’d Nosey, had stolen his note, and how, in the
second place, Mr Weft himself had insulted the great, grand Duke of
Argyll. In a word, there was a desperate kick-up between them, the ane
threeping that he would tak the law of the ither immediately. Na, in
this respect Donald gaed the greatest length, for he swore that, rather
than be defeated, he wad carry his cause to the House of Lords, although
it cost him thretty pounds sterling. I now saw it was time to put in a
word.
"Hout-tout, gentlemen,"
quo’ I, "what’s the use of a’ this clishmaclaver? Ye’ve baith gotten the
wrang sow by the lug, or my name’s no William M‘Gee. I’ll wager ye a
penny-piece, that my monkey Nosey is at the bottom of the business."
Nae sooner had I spoken
the word, than the twa, looking round the shop, spied the beastie
sitting upon the shelf, girning at them, and putting out his tongue, and
wiggle-waggling his walking stick ower his left elbow, as if he had been
playing upon the fiddle. Mr Weft at this apparition set up a loud laugh;
his passion left him in a moment, when he saw the ridiculous mistake
that the Heelandman had fa’en into, and I thocht he would hae bursted
his sides wi’ evendown merriment. At first, Donald lookit desperate
angry, and, judging frae the way he was twisting about his mouth and
rowing his een, I opined that he intended some deadly skaith to the
monkey. But his gude sense, of which Heelandmen are no a’thegither
destitute, got the better of his anger, and he roared and lauched like
the very mischief. Nor was this a,’ for nae sooner had he began to lauch,
than the monkey did the same thing, and held its sides in preceesely the
same manner, imitating his actions, in the maist amusin’ way imaginable.
This only set Donald a-lauching mair than ever, and when he lifted up
his nieve, and shook it at Nosey in a gude-humoured way, what think ye
that the cratur did? ’Od, man, he took the note frae his pouch, whaur it
lay rowed up like a ba’, and papping it at Donald, hit him as fairly
upon the nose as if it had been shot out of a weel-aimed musket. There
was nae resisting this. The haill three, or rather the haill four, for
Nosey joined us, set up a loud lauch; and the Heelandman’s was the
loudest of a’, showing that he was really a man of sense, and could tak
a joke as weel as his neighbours.
When the lauchin’ had a
wee subsided, Mr Campbell, in order to show that he had nae ill will to
Mr Weft, axed his pardon for the rough way he had treated him, but the
worthy manufacturer wadna hear o’t. "Houts, man," quo’ he, "dinna say a
word about it. It’s a mistak a’thegither, and Solomon himsel, ye ken,
whiles gaed wrang.” Whereupon the Heelandman bought a Kilmarnock nicht-cap,
price elevenpence ha’penny, frae Mr Weft, and paid him wi’ part of the
very note that brocht on the ferlie I hae just been relating. But his
gude wull didna end here, for he insisted on takin’ us a’—Nosey amang
the lave—to the nearest public, where he gied us a frien’ly glass, and
we keepit talking about monkeys, and what not, in a manner at ance
edifying and amusing to hear. |
