Mr & Mrs wis a caper
Makin nappies wi toilet paper
A’body gein each ither nudges
As they paraded roon afore the judges
Earnin points for the best wan clad
In truth they a’ looked really sad
The next game played wi wan an a’
Wis sookin coke, quick, through a straw
The first yin wi an empty can
Wis deemed tae be the winnin man
An the couple who’d be nummer yin
Wur the furst wans wi an empty tin
The next gemme roon wis bustin bloons
While the band were playin tunes
The first bloon burst wis wi the chest
An wan wee couple were far the best
Next wi the back an then the arse
It wis turning quick intae a farse
A ping pong ba’ wis next broucht hither
Tae be passed up wan leg an doon the ither
Drat it – curse it – damn an blast
Yon wee couple huv come in last
Whit caused the wee wans ping pong plight
The fellas troosers wur far too tight
But next gemme up they were really braw
Dancin aroon wi a tennis ba’
A – tween their heids they held it tight
A think they could huv danced all night
What helped them haud the rubber ba’
Wrigglies Spearmint that is a’
The band noo wis tae play a choon
While they danced aroon an roon
Wi changin’ choons they kept a – pace
Dae’in it a’ wi style an grace
First fast, then slow, then man –o- man
They ended wi a French Can – Can
The judges tried tae be richt fair
An’ held points cards up in the air
But somebody wisnae playin the game
Cos a’ the numbers wir the same
Seemed tae me it wis a fix
The wee pair should huv goat a six
But oor wee couple fair jumped wi joy
Cos they hud won a big saft toy
The wifeys speech came frae the he’rt
An fairly praised hur wee man Bert
She said we won it’s only richt
We wur the best yins here the nicht
They hud tae sing a wee sang noo
Tae get some cans o Special Brew
But Bert wis huvvin nain o that
He didnae want tae look a pratt
He tried tae gie the drinks awa’
Tae somebuddy deemed tae sing richt braw
The judges said it wisnae right
Wee Bert wis in an awfy plight
He hud tae sing a wee sing- song
While the band played along
Somebody fetched a mike right quick
An the couple sang , but here’s the trick
The music started, Bert wis in a tizzy
His heid wis thumpin, he wis feelin dizzy
His singin iznae really braw
So quietly soon he slipped awa’
Up the hill tae his wee “Shally”
He hudnae hud enough tae swally
Oskar Douglas
