THE DIARY.
Peace Establishment—Object of the Diary—Critical Remarks—On the
character and views of the Writer—Extracts.
After the peace of Ryswick, the regular
forces in England were reduced to a standing army of 7000 men; 4000
of which were horse and dragoons, and 3000 infantry. This
establishment was reckoned by William much too small, considering
that France, by keeping up more than twenty-five times that number,
was in a condition to re-commence hostilities, as she had done at
the peace of Nimeguen, whenever she might find it convenient to
infringe the treaty.1 The suspicious state of affairs abroad obliged
him to declare his opinion, that the safety of Britain required a
considerable land-force, and to strip it, from an ill-timed economy,
of its military defences, was only giving their enemies an
opportunity of effecting, under the notion of peace, that ruin which
they could not accomplish by war. But the nation, jealous of their
liberties, looked upon a standing army as the formidable engine of
slavery and oppression. The parliament, with a resolution not to be
shaken by the wishes or entreaties of the king, disbanded the
troops, not excepting his favourite Dutch Guards, who had been the
companions of his glory and his toils, and the regiments of French
Protestant refugees, who were attached to him in gratitude for their
protection.
The Cameronian Begiment was not disbanded, but retained on the Peace
Establishment. They appear to have continued in Holland in the Dutch
pay, at least for some time, together with four other Scots
Regiments, viz. Lauder’s, Murray’s, Collier’s and Strathnaver’s.
There was an express capitulation between William and the States
General, by which the latter obliged themselves to send home the
British troops, whenever the king should think proper to re-cal
them. In virtue of this, three of the above regiments known by the
name of the Scots Brigade, were brought over to Scotland, where they
were retained
in the king’s own pay, until the prospect of a rupture with France,
in 1701, made their assistance necessary again in Holland. Whether
the Cameronian Regiment came over at the same time, I know not, nor
is it material; they seem, however, to have been in Scotland in
1701-2, as we shall find, that in March that year, they were
embarked for the Continent. They were stationed in garrison at
Perth, as the Writer of the Diary mentions, who, by this time, was
advanced to the rank of a captain.
At the commencement of the Diary, October 1700, the Writer was in
London, where he continued a year, detained by business, partly
relative to his promotion, and partly about regimental arrears; as
all officers who had legal claims (among which his regiment was one)
were required to state them to the Commissioners of debts due to the
Army, f It does not appear that the above date was the original
commencement of the Diary. Most probably that Journal extended to
the preceding campaigns, or even to an earlier period; hut those
parts of it have been lost, and cannot now he recovered.
As the Diary and Letters are entirely personal, and relate almost
exclusively to matters of private concern, the reader is not to
expect from them much of historical or extraneous remark. His design
was not to write commentaries on the military operations in which he
was so long engaged, nor to treasure up for the entertainment of
posterity, a boastful catalogue of his own achievements; for no man
was ever more unambitious of renown, or less captivated by the
frivolous glory of a name. His object was to keep a spiritual
register of his experiences,—to note down, day by day, the various
phases of his own mind, that by comparing himself with himself, he
might, from time to time, judge of his progress in Christian
attainments. And this, I am persuaded, constitutes their peculiar
value. The actions of warriors and statesmen, are matters of public
history and of general notoriety. We know how battles have heen lost
or won, where valiant men have fought and fallen; but the religious
annals of a soldier’s life, the combats he sustains with enemies
within himself, and the victories to he won over the corruptions of
his own heart, are of comparatively rare occurrence.
As these papers were never intended to see the light, they may be
reckoned to exhibit a faithful transcript of the writer’s
sentiments,—a fair unvarnished, image of his thoughts. They present
to our view a faith kept in lively and habitual exercise,—a devotion
glowing with uncommon ardour and intensity, and engaging all the
affections on the side of religion. They shew us piety, flourishing
under circumstances deemed the most hostile and unpropitious to its
growth. They unfold a character, marked by a singular exemption from
the prevailing immoralities,—a blamelessness of conduct, exemplary
in any profession, but more remarkable when found in situations
where moderation in vice may be accounted, in some degree, a
mediocrity of virtue.
Though no outward condition, however adverse, can be reckoned
altogether incompatible with the duties of religion and morality,
yet some are more, unfavourable to their cultivation than others. Of
these, the army has always heen held as one. There the mind has
often little relish, and little vacancy for serious thoughts. The
hurry and tumult of action, leave no room for their entertainment.
The moments of interval are too apt to be filled up with levity,
riot, or debauchery. The uncertainties and vicissitudes of events,
distract and indispose men for calm and sober reflection. The pomp
and parade of war, dazzle their imaginations with false charms, and
misplace their affections on improper objects. The ambition of
rising to fame or fortune,—of rivalling the glory of illustrious
actions, while it excites them by more impetuous motives than those
of religion, tends at the same time to inspire a certain disdain for
the Christian character, as inadequate to these sublime and noble
pursuits, and not calculated to make a figure on the stage of the
world, by possessing so little to attract external notice. Many thus
argue themselves into a foolisb and groundless contempt for
religion, as if it were something mean and despicable, that checks
the ardour of heroism, and chills every generous emotion of the
soul. And hence it is, that the portraits of heathen conquerors, or
even the achievements of a fabulous hero, will stand higher in their
esteem and admiration, then all the magnanimity of Christian
martyrs, or the most shining and sublime moral virtues that ever
adorned human nature.
But perhaps the greatest enemy to piety, and the most formidable
obstacle it has to encounter, are those criminal amusements and
licentious pleasures to which a military life, more than any other,
is exposed, and which are not attended in that profession with the
same infamy and disgrace, that public opinion has stamped upon them
in civil society. Amidst all the rigour of military discipline,
there is often a lamentable deficiency of moral control. And when
the restraints of fear and shame are removed, the passions become
more ungovernable. The contagion spreads by example; and many are
carried away with the guilty crowd, from the dread of affected
singularity, or the hopelessness of stemming the universal torrent
of error and corruption. They are content to resign the glory of an
honourable opposition, from the apprehension of incurring an ideal
reproach,—to prefer the fleeting and frivolous satisfactions of a
moment, to the more solid and durable felicities of a virtuous
abstinence.
The extracts which we shall lay before the reader, will exhibit a
character, in every respect the reverse of this general portraiture;
the character of one who had the courage to be singular; whose
principles were proof against the seduction of example,—the tyranny
of custom,—and the terror of ridicule. So far from running himself
into fashionable vices, or countenancing them in others, we find
him, at all times, their avowed and determined enemy. If he did not
always signify his disapprobation in formal reproofs, he shewed it
by his example; his habitual seriousness and sobriety being a
constant rebuke on the profligate and intemperate.
The prevailing cast of Colonel Blackader’s mind was singularly
devout and spiritual. His purest delights were in the duties and
ordinances of religion, and he embraced every opportunity of being
engaged in them. His intervals of business were generally filled up
with useful reading, or company, when it could be procured, from
which he could reap some improvement; and he dedicated a portion of
every day to prayer and meditation. These duties he never allowed to
he interrupted by the most urgent and pressing emergencies. On
fatiguing marches, at the post of command, or in the heat of action,
he could snatch a moment to hold communion with the Father of
Spirits. To him, no station seemed incompatible with maintaining
this intercourse, and no circumstances so straitened, where the
virtues and graces of the Christian life had not room for exercise*
Every where, his devotion could find for itself a temple and an
altar; in the camp, in the closet, or in the fields. It was his
custom to spend an occasional hour in meditative retirement, and he
would frequently steal from bustle and observation, to some
sequestered walk, or the solitary banks of a river, where he could
enjoy, unmolested, the benefits of contemplation and reflection.
Sometimes he would visit the field of battle on the evening after an
engagement, to moralize among heaps of slaughter, and “get a
preaching,” as he expresses it, “from the silent dead.”
These habits and sentiments may probably be derided by some, and
stigmatized as enthusiastical fancies, or the reveries of a gloomy
and mistaken piety. To the gay, the thoughtless, and the dissipated,
it may appear that he carried his abstinence from those amusements
and recreations, which are thought harmless, because they are
fashionable, to an unnecessary extreme; that he affected a
strictness and precision, not only ridiculous in his profession, but
apt to create errors and misconceptions of religion, as if it were
an enemy to all cheerfulness, fit only for men of dark unsocial
tempers, who shun companionship with the world, and betake
themselves to melancholy solitudes, or the practice of rigid
austerities. None, however, I am persuaded, will entertain such on
opinion who have any relish for personal devotion, or have felt the
pleasures which spring from piety and virtue,—pleasures which the
world cannot give, and which strangers never intermeddle with.
Were they, who thus censure and condemn, more conversant with
religion, and more deeply imbued with a sense of its importance,
they would see abundant reason to think otherwise, and to judge more
favourably, even of the pious excesses of good men, whose souls are
purified, warmed, and inspired with heavenly affections. Profligates
and infidels are not the persons best qualified to fix the just
boundaries of morality,—to decide between sinful compliances on the
one hand, and an overstrained scrupulosity on the other. They are
not only unacquainted with its principles, but from their mode of
life, have contracted habits and prejudices that unfit them for
judging with candour, or drawing an impartial comparison. Hence all
actions and pursuits, more rigid than their own, they brand with the
name of enthusiasm, or some term denoting a stiff and puritanical
cast of deportment.
This is a very common practice, although the term is but vaguely
understood, and often very erroneously applied. Many use the word
enthusiast or fanatic as an epithet of reproach, without being able
to attach to it any definite signification, or knowing what kind of
people are comprehended in the aspersion; and if interrogated for an
explanation, or to^ state their own ideas upon the subject, we would
find them often ridiculously at a loss to give a determinate answer.
They cannot tell exactly what ingredients must go to constitute an
enthusiast, or what degree of precision will entitle a man to that
appellation. But they fasten it in general, without troubling
themselves to inquire into its meaning or applicability, on any who
shew an extraordinary veneration for religion, or who are
distinguished for the strictness of their principles, and the
severity of their manners. If these are the odious characteristics
of an enthusiast,—if he is obnoxious to that reproach, who fears an
oath, and is offended at indecent speeches,—who reverences the laws
of God, and strives to regulate his walk and conversation by
them,—who acts at all times under a full and sensible impression of
the Divine presence, aspiring after a nobler reputation than the
esteem of men, and cherishing a contempt for the pleasures and
vanities of the world, in proportion as faith reveals more nearly
the pure and endless felicities of heaven; then it may be affirmed,
more to his glory than his shame, that the Writer of the Diary was
an enthusiast.
His character, however, cannot be held up as a faultless model,
worthy of indiscriminate praise, or unqualified imitation. He had
infirmities that ought to be pitied; failings that cannot be too
carefully avoided; and erroneous views that every sound judgment
will mark with reprehension. Of his faults and infirmities, he was
himself very sensible, and none could lament or condemn them more
strongly than he has done. The restraints he imposed upon himself in
conversation, made him, at times, appear deficient in cheerfulness
and sociality. His constitutional proneness to melancholy or
depression of spirits, gave a dark tinge to the current of his
thoughts, and led him sometimes to form mistaken conclusions on the
state of his own mind. Of the tendency of this disease, he was fully
aware, though not sufficiently careful to distinguish its operations
; hence he frequently mistook its effects as symptoms of spiritual
desertion, or the hidings of his Father’s countenance. But the
liveliness of his faith, and the powerful influences of religion,
tended, in a great measure, to correct the effects of this habitual
dejection, which, in him, was a malady of the body, rather than of
the mind. ,
With some who are of weaker faith, and less fortified by the aids
and comforts of the Holy Spirit, this distemper rises to a most
distressing height, and makes its unhappy victims truly miserable.'
It fills their terrified imagination with dismal images and
apprehensions, perplexes their reason with doubts and disquietudes,
and overspreads the whole soul with clouds, and darkness, and
tempest. It eclipses all them brightest hopes of futurity, and
environs the throne of Mercy itself with a mist of discouraging
fears. From these gloomy and desponding misgivings, the Author of
the Diary was wholly exempt. In spite of his infirmity, he enjoyed
the greatest peace and tranquillity of mind. It had no effect in
darkening or deranging his views of Divine Providence, although it
frequently made him querulous and dissatisfied with himself. It is
no doubt the characteristic of a true Christian, to strive after
higher measures of perfection, and not to rest contented with
present attainments; yet a fretful anxiety, a perpetual
dissatisfaction with ourselves, is certainly culpable. If we exert
our utmost, and make the best use of the means put in our power,
there can he no reason for distressing apprehensions about the
consequences.
But there is another mistake, (perhaps, however, an error of the
times, as much as of the man) that runs through the papers of
Colonel Blackader, and that is, his sentiments in regard to
prayer,—the encouragements to it,—and the effects he expected to
result from it. If at any time he felt in this duty a warmer edge
upon his zeal,—a particular satisfaction and enlargement of mind, he
seemed disposed to interpret it as a sure mark of the divine
approbation, and the consequent acceptability of his petitions. On
the contrary, if he felt any peculiar dejection or difficulty of
expression, he was apt to attribute it to a withdrawing of the
Divine aid—a temporary desertion of the Holy Spirit. This, to say
the least, is a very fallible criterion. Frames and feelings alone,
are' no indication that our prayers are either rational or
acceptable, and ought to be regarded with a salutary -distrust.
These accidental elevations and depressions have no necessary
connexion with the operations of the Spirit; much less can they be
construed into undoubted symptoms of favour or disapprobation.
Encouragement and success are to be derived, exclusively, through
the intercession of Christ, and the promises of Scripture, that if
we ask any thing, according to the will of God, he heareth us.
It is also an error to imagine, as the Writer of the Diary sometimes
has done, that answers to our prayers .will be returned either by
secret intimations, or by visible and external expressions. There
certainly is, and always has been, a very strong and general
propensity in mankind, not only to solicit direction from heaven in
cases of doubt and uncertainty, than which nothing can be more
necessary and becoming to weak and erring mortals, hut to expect or
require some evidence or token symptomatical of their requests being
granted; such were the fleeces of Gideon; the experiment of Abram’s
servant at the well of Nahor; and other instances recorded in the
Old Testament. But they who would now entertain such expectations,
seem to have forgot that the age of oracles and wonders has ceased;
that signs and miracles made a part of the Jewish Economy, wherein
men were indulged with supernatural directions and intimations, and
permitted, for their special instruction, to hold immediate
consultation with heaven, through the rude intercourse of visible
and material symbols.
The Christian dispensation has introduced a communion altogether
spiritual. It is manifestly wrong to hope that God will, on our
account, or by the force of our importunities, reverse the
established order of his providence, or cause a sudden and
simultaneous concurrence of different events, in order to produce
the effect we desire. Even those who think answers to prayer may he
conveyed mentally, by secret impulses, or internal convictions,
ought cooly and candidly to examine whether these impressions have
any good foundation,—whether they are to he ascribed to the agency
of the Spirit, or produced by the natural and ordinary operations of
their own minds. The most sober and rational course we can pursue,
is to refer the issue of our petitions entirely to the wisdom of the
Divine Being. We are- incompetent judges of what is most befitting
to ourselves, and apt to mingle our follies and our passions with
our wants. To have our wishes absolutely fulfilled, might often
prove ruinous, or rashness in the extreme. This ought to teach us to
moderate our anxieties about futurity, and to leave the issue of
contingent events to Him who alone can know the propriety or the
expediency of granting our requests.
There are also, in Colonel Blackader’s papers, some other
misconceptions in regard to interpreting certain promises and
passages of Scripture; as if, in addition to their original and
literal import, they had a secret and mysterious application to
himself. Upon this slender, and it may he, erroneous analogy, he
would sometimes build his hopes and consolations, or form his
resolutions in difficult or particular steps of conduct. These,
however, and some of the other misapprehensions into which he has
fallen, are the less to be wondered at, considering the prevailing,
religious sentiments of the times in which he was educated. They
were parts of a theological system, which many good men regarded
with implicit veneration, and from which, it is not surprising, if
his mind had not altogether emancipated itself: and it would be an
invidious distinction, to censure in him those mistakes and
imperfections which were systematical, and have been found in
characters of the calmest temperament, and the most unaffected
piety.
Those who may feel disposed to deride or reprimand, we would beg to
keep in mind, that the papers now laid before them, were not
originally intended for public inspection. They are the private
registers of an individual, unfolding his mind without disguise or
reserve,' drawing aside the curtain, as it were, and disclosing the
inmost recesses of his thoughts. This consideration, while it does
not preclude the liberty of pointing out errors, renders them an
unfair subject of animadversion; and it would he ungenerous to drag
forth the weaknesses of any man, for the single purpose of exposing
them, or rake up his peaceful ashes in quest of food, for a captious
and malevolent criticism. And notwithstanding these strictures,
there are, in Colonel Blackader’s papers, innumerable traits of
manly independent thinking—of a mind rising above the prejudices of
education, and disentangling itself from the trammels of peculiar
creeds and systems. His intercourse with others, and his opinions
about religion, savoured extremely little of that intolerance, still
prevalent in his time, and Which continued to operate long after it
had been proscribed, and put down by acts of the legislature. It is
now time, however, to lay before the reader a few extracts from
these papers, that 'he may he able to form his own sentiments; and
it may safely be left to his own candid judgment sto -discriminate
between what he ought to avoid, and what he should be emulous to
imitate,—between what is according to pure undefiled religion, and
what is inconsistent with it.
That part of the Diary which refers to the Writer’s stay in London,
and subsequently with his regiment in Scotland, before it was
embarked a second time for Flanders, contains little allusion to
political or public transactions. It is limited, chiefly, to his own
feelings and experiences, and gives a fair undisguised
representation of a humble and watchful Christian, lamenting the
infirmities of his temper, and the mutability of his frame; sensible
of the degeneracy of his heart, and struggling to be delivered from
the bondage of corruption.
October, 1700. I complain, that though well directed in business,
better than could be expected, yet I am not thankful. Chagrined at
my natural temper; my spirit too* sensual,, trifling, and carnal.
Occasionally falling into temptation and ill company, then blaming
my want of zeal and. resolution. My life is a struggle, as it were,
between.faith and corrupt nature—a combat, in which sometimes
strengthening grace prevails, sometimes earthly affections and
sensual appetites gain ground, yet partly involuntary.
November. Dejected and dissatisfied with myself, the more from my
retiredness and want of settled employment. I am sensible of this my
infirmity. Soli-, tude is the nursery of melancholy. Tried to divert
it by amusement, and as a frolicksome experiment, went to see a
comedie. More convinced of the folly and Vanity of worldly
pleasures. Faith is the best remedy, but too little used. The soul
immersed in sense, looses its spiritual bias, and neglects to fetch
new supplies of grace from Christ. My resolution is, to live more by
faith, and converse less with carnal and worldly men. This places
me,. as it were, between Scylla and Charybdis; too much company
dissipates the mind, and gives it an earthly sett; too much
retirement from company and conversation, sours the temper, makes
it. morose, .chagrined, unsocial. Melancholy is no friend to grace,
and a great enemy tp religion.
December. Instead of a lively framed I often feel a deadness and
heaviness through unbelief. Though serious, I am not religious;
though calm, not spiritual. Sensual appetites, and vain imaginations
usurp the place of heavenly affections. Corruptions which I thought
subdued or extirpated, had only retreated into a corner of the
heart, where they gather strength, and sally forth anew; hut,
through grace, they shall he conquered. I see if I could rely more
on Christ, there would he more contentment, more peace and
tranquillity of mind, even in outward troubles. On Sabbath, I was
cheered and comforted by the joy which a sure interest in the
Saviour gives: In the evening, I had one of the sweetest visits, the
most sensible communion with him, I think, I ever experienced. I was
admitted, as it were, to draw aside the veil, and look into heaven,
and would have been content to have been dissolved that instant. O
that I were in such circumstances in the world! wherein, free from
the hurry of business, and the cares of this life, I might serve my
God, and enjoy sweet communion with him. The world is not my
element. I am like a stranger in a far country, an exile chained to
his oar* I do not ask to be taken from the world, I only beg to be
found in my duty, and that I may have counsel to conduct, and grace
to devote myself to the service of God; and if he have any use for
me either to act or suffer, here I am, but my warfare must be at his
charges.
January, 1701. Resolution, at the commencement of a new year, to
improve my time more for the glory of God, and the working out of my
own salvation. But, alas ! soon forgot; time trifled away by foolish
and idle amusements. I know I am censured by many as stingy and
inconversible, because I keep so little company, and seldom mix in
conversation. But when I do keep company, such as my business is
with, ah ! it is dear bought. A careless unthinking temper grows
upon the soul. Grace wastes as water through a sieve, and as a spark
of fire is stifled by throwing it into a river; so is grace by ill
company. Let foolish men snarl and say what they will, I’ll converse
more with God, and less with the world. There the fancy and
imagination are easily corrupted: and these are the door whereby
most sin is let into the soul. They are the faculties wherein grace
last enters, and is longest in sanctifying.
I am surprised at the odd composition of my own heart: Heaven,
earth, and hell, seem to make up the mixture. In the renewed part, I
delight in holiness; but I find another law in my members, warring
against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to sin. I
know, in general, that I ought to make use of Jesus Christ, yet when
it comes to the push, I neglect to employ him. When the Spirit of
God shines upon his own work in the soul, then faith is the easiest
thing in the world, and may - rather he called sense; but when that
light is withdrawn, then faith must tug against wind and tide, by
pleading promises, remembering former experiences, and drawing
consequences from them. Mine, I am afraid, is but a fresh weather
belief, and has never yet been in any great storm. It is like a weak
anchor, that slips in the least gale. Lord, increase and strengthen
it, that anxiety, fear, and distrust may be excluded. If under
outward troubles, I might have inward peace and supplies of grace,
proportionably as trouble is laid on, I should be so far from
fretting, that I should pray for affliction; but my misery is, under
outward distresses, faith gives way; and who can bear affliction
without, and darkness within? I foresee storms are gathering, but I
have a refuge to fly unto, where I shall be safe. Come death, come
life, let him do with me what seemeth good. It is my request, that I
may be found in a righteous cause, and out of all evil, and all
appearance of evil, because of my profession, and because of wicked
men. I bless God for all his providences, and- that he keeps me out
of temptation.
February. I observe, that as ill company stifles and dispels grace,
so good company helps to refresh and revive it; and there is a
blessing in the society of some; it tends to my spiritual
improvement. But I have a weak side, and am often vexed at my
easiness in yielding to silly tempations. And really it is very
difficult for a man to live in this age, if he be not more or less
double and knavish. Hypocrisy is a kind of self-defence,—an armour
which the world forces him reluctantly to put on. This keeps my mind
in a prison, in straiter fetters than if my body were in irons; for.
what I hate in my soul, I am compelled to seem to like, for fear of
being thought singular. I dare neither go along with the world, nor
manfully oppose it. My conscience hinders me from doing the one,—a
timorous spirit a want of grace and courage, from doing the other. I
think I know something of the way of the world, but for my life, I
cannot practise it. When I retire from it, I am happy- and full of
comfort; when I enter it again, I am miserable; Lord, let my desires
be singly and intensely after thee alone. O unite my heart to love
thee, to delight more in thee. The whole stream of my affections is
too weak; ah! why then do I divide it into earthly channels? I
involve myself in other’s sin, by my silence in not witnessing
against it. Ill company is my greatest torment; and suppose there
were neither loss nor pain in hell, I could not endure to live there
for the sin and blasphemy in it. I am sure I love God, hut alas ! I
want zeal to vindicate his honour when it is reviled and evil spoken
of among men. And yet I know I could cheerfully venture my life
against his enemies, and in giving a public testimony to his cause.
O may he graciously pardon me and sanctify me, and restore to me the
joy of his salvation.
March. Hindered all day by business, from retiring to seek communion
with Christ, whereby I have missed my wonted supply and recruit of
comfort, and in consequence, am dull, heavy, and dejected. About
twelve at night, I got my liberty, and poured out my soul before
him; the weight immediately fell off my hack, and I was sensibly
relieved. But, alas! I live with Christ as I live with mankind,
reservedly, coldly, and too much like a stranger. I come to him by
set and solemn approaches, hut in the intervals I forget him. I
neglect to depend and trust in him. Whatsover one loves well he
thinks often on it, arid will not let it slip from his memory. I
complain that the habit of my mind is not so spiritual as it ought
to he; I should hunger and thirst more after righteousness, send up
warmer desires, and more frequent longings for it. I know not how
other Christians find it, who mingle in the world; hut I must
confess, the restraints I am obliged to put on myself destroy my
comfort, and make life burdensome. To me it appears that the world’s
way of living, and a Christian’s living by faith, are directly at
antipodes—diametrically opposite to each other. I cannot converse or
do business in the world, without being a considerable loser in
happiness and religion. This makes me often appear deficient in
frankness and cheerfulness-; it quite eats out and corrodes any
thing that is agreeable or gay in my natural temper. My sabbaths, I
fear, are not rightly sanctified, ordinances not properly improven.
Sensible of this during all the time of public worship. In the
evening, I returned home sorrowful and dejected. I went to my knees,
my soul filled with shame, humility, and contrition; then was I
helped to cleave to Christ Jesus for pardon and for grace. Then the
mountain of sin, sorrow, and desertion was removed, and joy began to
flow in. Then it was but a little, and I found him whom my soul
loved. I held him, and would not let him go, till the cloud had
passed away, and peace made up firmer than ever.
April. It is my grief that I cannot more keep up a devotional frame
and habit of soul through all my time and all my business, for there
is no profession but may be adorned by the beauty of holiness—no
turn of business so quick, but that I might send up an express about
it, and receive an answer. My faith ebbs and flows, sensual desires
sometimes prevailing. Gun-powder does not more suddenly flash up
when a spark of fire falls upon it, than corruption, when Satan
throws in his fiery darts. But I find to my unspeakable comfort,
when I sin, I have an Advocate with the Father. I regret that my
conversation and discourse is so idle, trifling, and unprofitable.
It answers no solid purpose when the company is not made better hy
it. I should always he mixing something that may edify in my
discourse, to make people fall in love with the ways of holiness.
May. What ups and downs I have in my life, just as God shines or
hides his face. One day I lie grovelling in the earth; another, sunk
in darkness and despondency; a third, my soul is lifted up to
heaven, and dwells, as it were, on the mount with God. Though
outwardly I may appear with a dark side to the world, yet I have
much secret joy and sweet communion which they know not of, neither
can they give. I dare not converse with, or haunt that company which
the world calls good and genteel. I think no graceless, debauched
company can be good or genteel, he they of ever so great quality.
Perhaps this wrongs my reputation among fashionable people ; but I
value not their opinion. I think those men who are reckoned the best
here in London, even ministers, are not so tender and circumspect in
their walk as I could wish.
June. A believer should be an exact observer of the state of grace
in his soul, whether it be making progress or decaying : He should
be a careful observer of providences, and, like the bee, draw honey
out of every dispensation. Alas ! I am like a machine, that is moved
by springs; when my soul is roused up, either by a powerful sermon,
by good company, by a surprising mercy, or a cross Providence, then
it acts for a while by that outward force, lively, brisk, and
vigorously; but when this outward spring and weight is taken off, my
spirits flag, I return to my natural state of indolence and
dejectedness. I beg this natural temper may be changed into a
cheerful, happy, spiritual lightness of heart. I have continual
experience of this, that I must employ Christ daily if I would have
grace daily. I find I must have a regular supply; my grace is like
the children of Israel’s manna in the wilderness, they that gathered
much the day before, had nothing over the next: So must I gather for
my daily sustenance. My corruptions need a constant check, they are
like the flax to the least spark of temptation. 1 find not the
ministers of the word so powerful here, as I have found them in
Scotland: But perhaps the fault lies in me, and not in them. Oft
times, on the Sabbath, I feel just such a frame as St. Paul
complains of, Rom. vii. 15, &c. I converse much with good men, but I
observe they have all their weak sides. I find men are generally
had, even ministers are swayed too much by a worldly interest. This
stumbles me a little, to see a minister, in the pulpit, pressing us
to live by faith; yet follow him into the world, perhaps you will
see him crouching, fawning, and playing fast and loose to gain some
paltry temporal interest. Such conduct and conversation does me more
harm than any thing I know besides. I cannot, for my soul, flatter
and wheedle men, I cannot insinuate into their affections, or work
upon their passions by warm talking, or plausible speeches.
July. I will not conceal the goodness of God, who is the hearer of
prayer. I fell down on my knees this morning, my soul full of
anxiety and despondency. I was helped to employ Christ by faith, and
sought a return of a particular suit I had put up in his hands, some
time ago. He heard me, and answered me; comfort flowed in upon my
soul; I came away rejoicing, and resolving to treat him more and
more. This I looked upon as a presage and good omen, concerning the
circumstances which I was fearing. And so it was; for the same day I
got notice that I am safe as to my employment; and I only beg, that
I may be enabled to lay out myself more zealously for the glory and
service of God. I believe, however, that people may sometimes he
mistaken in their prayers about temporal things, e. g. a wife, or
children, or estate. That which they reckon fervency, enlargedness,
or freedom, is often only the strength of sensual appetites going
out after earthly tilings; yet our condescending Advocate takes even
their prayers, and fans away the chaff, and presents them to the
Father, and solicits for us those things we want. But our safest way
is to he very submissive and short; for while we enlarge, earthly
affections and unmortified appetites take fire, and while we think
the Spirit of God inflames our desires, we are mistaken, for it is
our lusts that are kindled. This is a strange unhallowed fire; love
to the world furnishes fuel to it.
July. I have been in London just a twelve-month : I bless God it has
been the sweetest time ever I had —the kindest visits,—the nearest
sensible communion with God,—lively faith and close dependence on
Christ. I have not succeeded in the particular business I came up
for; I bless God for it; it is better as it is; I have had an
infinitely richer equivalent, (if I may call it so) pearls for
pebbles, precious grace for worthless mammon and trash. I commit
myself to him for counsel, conduct, and protection, on my return.
Sailed on the 15th, and trust to Providence, we shall have a
prosperous voyage.
July 20. A solitary Sabbath at sea; yet communion with God. In the
afternoon, I went up to the cradle at the top of the mast, to be
retired. We had been becalmed all day, and lay hulling on the water.
I had not spent much time in prayer and meditation, when there arose
a fresh gale, which obliged me to come down in great haste, and the
seamen to handle their sails. So strong and fair was the wind, that
we ran before it 140 miles.
July 23. This day I landed in Scotland; but company, business and
drinking did so steal away my time, that I was not in a right
thankful frame all day. I have trifled away eight days since I came
home, and could wish them scraped out of the register of my life.
In August, Captain Blackader joined his regiment at Perth, where he
appears to have exerted himself diligently for promoting their moral
improvement. “I pray,” says he, “that God would bless and
countenance the endeavours I am using here for curbing vice, and
furthering reformation1 hope he will, for I think I am upright, and
have his glory singly before my eyes. I strive daily to do what good
I can, by the example of a holy life.”
About this time, he had resolved to change his “single and solitary
life,” as he expresses it, and fixed his affections on Miss Anne
Callander, daughter of James Callander, Esq. of Craigforth, near
Stirling. The habitual spirituality of his mind is remarkably
evinced by his conduct on this occasion, which also illustrates some
of those mistakes into which, as I have noticed, he was apt to fall
with regard to having contingencies prognosticated or ascertained by
special interpositions of Providence. “ I trust,” says he, “that in
this affair, I shall be guided by the Spirit of God, for I hope I
may appeal to him, I am single and upright in my intentions. I have
examined my heart, and dare say there is no idol in it to draw me
from the road of duty. I have not taken one step in it, without
seriously asking counsel and direction of God. If it he for his
glory, and the advancement of grace in me, let him prosper it; if
any thing else, let him put a stop to it; I shall see afterwards, it
was for my good that it succeeded not. I sopght particularly that he
would shew and determine me by some special providence, whether I
should proceed or let it drop, and whether this should he the.
particular person or not. Happening within half-an-hour after,
unexpectedly to fall into her company, I looked upon it as somewhat
observable, and encouraging me to go on.” They were married on the
4th of February, 1702,-and though their union was not blessed with
any family, this circumstance seems to have in nothing abated their
mutual affections. He cherished . for her an ardent and steady
attachment. She accompanied him to the Continent, and remained
generally, during the campaigns, in some of the towns within the
Dutch frontier.
September. I live much easier and happier here (Perth) than I did at
Edinburgh. The reason is, I can retire and he alone as much as I
please. I may he no longer or oftener in company than I choose. I
like to withdraw in the intervals of business, and keep up fresh
intercourse with heaven by faith. Here there is less hustle, and
fewer temptations. My soul is making a voyage, as it were, to
Emanuel’s Land, through a stormy sea, like a frail bark on the wide
ocean. There come flans and hurricanes that drive her far out of her
course; then a little easy weather, and she returns to her due
course; she does not perhaps sail a watch, till another tempest
drives her away again. Alas ! at this rate, when shall I perfect my
voyage, and gain my desired port. It is only free grace and mercy
that can prevent one from making shipwreck,—Awake, O north wind;
come thou south and blow, that I may at last get an abundant
entrance into my destined haven.
October. When I get not the morning to myself, I am not right all
day. An earthly, sensual temper grows upon me. Vain fancies, and
roving thoughts take possession of the mind. Satan being chased, as
it were, out of all the rest of the faculties, seems to retire into
the imagination, from whence, as from a garrisoned citadel, he makes
war upon my soul. Lord, give me grace to be watchful, faith to be my
anchor in storms and tempests.
November. I find my heart like the sluggard’s garden, full of weeds
if it be neglected but twenty-four hours. Worldly lusts, foolish
thoughts, and trifling imaginations take root, and spring up in rank
and rapid growth. My mind, in consequence, is disordered ; my soul
is inflamed, and takes in poison at my eyes, by viewing vanity.
December. Employing myself in the work of public reformation, and
frequently in Society prayer. O that God would make use of my poor
endeavours, to kindle love to Christ in the hearts of others, how
glad should I he. But I observe this, when I talk of assurance as
that which should he pressed after, and that which may he attained,
I am always snibbed; and Christians talk of it as a thing to he
wished for, rather than attained; and they commend generally a frame
and case of doubting and fears, as one of the best that is to be won
to. But I maintain, assurance is to be had, and it is the sin of
Christians, oft-times, that they get it not; for through an excess
of mistaken humility, they dare not; they think it arrogance to act
faith boldly on Christ. A bold assurance is quite consistent with a
humble and needy reliance upon him. Lord, strengthen my faith more,
and help me to improve my time better in future. Many years have now
passed over my head: O to be so numbering my days, that I may apply
my heart to wisdom.
In the beginning of the next year, 1702, the Cameronian Regiment
received orders to go abroad. We shall therefore suspend our
extracts for a little, until we offer a few observations on the
subject of the new war in which they were to be engaged,—a war,
distinguished by victories more brilliant, perhaps, than
profitable,—more illustrious to the military genius, than
advantageous to the political interests of this country. |