What may this mean,
That thou, dead corse, ....
Kovisit'st thus the glimpses of the moon,
Making night hideous; and we fools of nature
So horridly to shake our disposition
With thoughts beyond the reaches of our souls?
Shakespeare.
Johnnie Hume was an Aberdonian of birth and rank—that
is to say, a ploughman, and the son of a ploughman. I cannot swear that
he was quite so intelligent as his clansman, the historian of England;
but there is one thing certain: Johnnie was sprung from one of the most
ancient and noble families upon earth, and his blood had never been
contaminated by any deteriorating admixture with the blood of a meaner
race. Johnnie could trace his descent from an ancestor whose dominions
were more extensive than those of Pompey the Great, Peter the Great,
Caesar the Great, or even Sandy the Great. The founder of
Johnnie's family was Noah, who reigned over the whole earth; and, though
he had neither wars nor taxes, prime minister nor privy counsellor,
governed his subjects without rebellion, and died in the full possession
of his regal authority.* Such being the ancestry of Johnnie Hume, it
cannot be denied that he was both anciently and honourably descended.
Johnnie -was a little man, of plethoric body, with a short face, full,
round, and rubicund—exceedingly expressive of self-complacency. His eyes
were small, and almost entirely concealed beneath his shaggy eye-brows,
which gave them the peculiar advantage of seeing without being seen. His
mouth was large, and the under lip turned down with a graceful curl,
resting confidingly on the soft, glittering, cushion-like redundancy of
his short, broad, and sagacious chin. This lip was particularly
serviceable to Johnnie when he and his social neighbours happened to
meet over their evening dram; and it was curious to observe the gradual
unfolding of that pouch-like appendage to his mouth, which, so soon as
his fingers touched the glass, turned slowly upward, and formed itself
into a regular and capacious receiver for the dearly loved liquid.
In his worldly circumstances Johnnie was "geyly
provided for," as he himself expressed it, being in possession of a
small farm, at that period when low rents and high prices raised so many
of his fellow-landloupers to the quality of lairds. But though Johnnie
possessed all the avarice of a man of the world, he was not possessed of
the capacity of rising to a higher place in society. Though he was
habitually cautious in parting with money, and habitually careful in
collecting the last farthing of the smallest debt that was due to him,
he had still to sustain the character of a liberal, good-hearted man
among his ale-house companions; and this bottle generosity sometimes
proved too hard for his domestic economy. Johnnie was no "scrub," as he
himself asserted; but if, in settling accounts, there happened to be an
odd halfpenny, which the payer claimed in discount, for want of change,
or some other reasonable consideration, he never failed to show his
sense of the value of it, by repeating the money table which he had
learned at school— "Twa bawbees mak' ae penny, an' twall pennies mak' ae
shil-lin', an' twenty shillin's mak' ae pound; sae ye see," said
Johnnie, "though this be a little sum, it mak's a pairt o' a muckle ane,
It is recorded of this potentate, in the writings of
Robert Burns, that
Graceless Ham leuch at his dad,
Which made Canaan a Nigger.
This seems to have been a sort of rebellion, though
not to such an extent as to derogate from the sovereign dignity of
Johnnie's Ancestor. "an' I canna want tho bawbee!" But though Johnnie's
nature and education neither desired nor required the delicacies or
refinements of life, his familiarity with the gill-stoup, and that
Scottish inactivity in the general management of his affairs, which a
habitual addiction to the use of ardent spirits never fails to produce,
served to prevent his fortune from exceeding his capacity to enjoy it.
Yet, after all, Johnnie was a substantial man, who could at any time
change a pound to a neighbour who required it; and this command of money
made him respectable among the rich as a subject of sport, and
honourable among the poor as an object of convenience.
Johnnie's family consisted of four children, of the
same sturdy constitution, and stubborn disposition as himself. It was
the subject of his proudest boast, that he had "gien them a' a gueed
edification; for there wasna ane o' them but was sax winters at the
sceul." Yet, after all this long course of instruction, when he wished
to avail himself of their learning, to relieve him from some
arithmetical perplexity, he found their boasted education insufficient
to tell him what was the cost of a boll of meal at one shilling and
fourpence the peck.
Johnnie's family grew up. around him, in the light of
his own example, and soon became the faithful representatives of their
father in mind and in body. His eldest son, the inheritor of his
patronymic, at the age of twenty-four was deemed fully qualified for the
management of a farm of his own; and was, accordingly, provided with the
portion necessary for commencing business on his own account. A small
farm, adjacent to Dubbyside, became vacant; and old Johnnie, with great
adroitness, negotiated a bargain with the proprietor, in behalf of his
hopeful son. This farm was beautifully situated on the banks of the Tay;
but the sweetness of the surrounding scenery added nothing to its value
in the eyes of its intended cultivator. Johnnie was luckily ignorant of
every production of nature, with the exception of wheat, barley, oats,
turnips, and rye. Nevertheless, he succeeded in his calling, and soon
ceased to, be considered as a dependent member of the family. But while
Little Johnnie (as he continued to be called for distinction's sake,
though the largest man of the two) increased in wealth, his venerable
father declined in health. Though he was originally possessed of a
stronger constitution than any other animal, carnivorous or herbaceous,
on the farm of Dubbyside, he had poured more whisky over his throat than
would have killed all the horses in his stable, and all the cows in his
byre; and it so happened, that Johnnie became so seriously indisposed,
that he was no longer able to travel the short distance which lay
between his own house at Dubbyside, and the little inn at Drumdreggle,
where, for the last twenty years of his life, he had been accustomed to
repair for nightly consolation. But, alas for Johnnie ! those halcyon
days and merry nights were gone; and he was the most miserable of men !
His mind was completely destitute of all internal sources of enjoyment;
and therefore completely unprepared for the society of solitude.
His memory and imagination had never been developed
by exercise; and he had, therefore, nothing to recall, and nothing to
anticipate. The past presented no comfortable recollections, and the
future exhibited no cheering hopes. He only possessed the present, and
to him it was present misery. His good nature, which was the best
quality in his composition, at length gave way under the painful
circumstances of his situation; and he became peevish, fretful, and
discontented with himself, and every thing around him. He was now a
prisoner to nature for his previous contumacious disregard of her laws;
and the only liberty which he possessed, was the privilege of swinging
backwards and forwards in his old arm chair, with the pleasure of
grumbling at every one who came within reach of his voice. But as he had
lost all respect in his family, his admonitory addresses, and paternal
reproofs, were generally answered by a scornful laugh, or a contemptuous
repetition of his words.
Johnnie's disease, encouraged by the harsh treatment
he received from his friends, and strengthened by his own discontent,
soon reduced his bluff, good-humoured countenance to the most meagre
dimensions; and being no longer able to keep his seat by the tire, he
was gladly consigned, by his careful family, to the closer and more
dreary incarceration of an old box bed, where even his last remaining
consolation—the pleasure of grumbling—was fairly cut off; for, as the
lids were kept shut, the household operations were concealed from
his view; and he had no motive for the exercise uf his only available
faculty. Yet he was sometimes so overcome with a desperate desire for
utterance, that, raising himself up on his arm, and knocking against the
wooden walls of his prison, he not unfrequently addressed his dear
goodwife in such language as the following:
"Ho ye, Janet! D'ye hear me na—eh? Gae doun to Willie
M'Bickers, an' be hanged to ye! an' tell him if he does na send me twa
bottles o' his best ruaut whisky, he'll never see my face again
at Drumdreggle; for I'm deein' for want o' a cure. Open thae lids, ye
doure auld dromedary !" he would continue in a louder tone, " d'ye think
that I'm to be keepit mowtherin', mowtherin' here like a mole in a peat
stack, without ever seein' a blink o' licht for the lee-lang day but
what comes in at the key-hole!"
To this violent remonstrance the tender-hearted
goodwife only replied, by observing to her equally delicate daughter:
"Let him craw there like a cock i' the crib—he may
weel fleg the chickens, but he canna brack the eggs noo!"
After a hearty laugh at her mother's wit, Tibby also
had her humorous remark on her father's misery. Johnnie was too much
accustomed to the want of affection in his family, to feel very acutely
this utter contempt of his commands, and shameless disregard of his
comfort. Yet the pain of his disease, aided by such ungentle treatment,
sometimes operated so forcibly on his exhausted temper as to render him
completely furious; and upon these occasions he tumbled about in his
wooden dormitory liked a chafed tiger in his cage, imprecating curses on
himself and all who were within hearing of his still stentorian voice.
These fits of rage soon exhausted his little remaining strength; and
they were generally succeeded by intervals of peace and repentance.
During one of these melancholy qualms, the sad and solemn idea that he
was a dying man at length fairly forced itself upon his stubborn brain;
and as it was seemly for a man in his circumstances to settle his
earthly affairs, Johnnie wisely bethought him of making his will. He had
enjoyed no will of his own for some time past; but in this
instance, some of the members of his family seconded his motion with
great readiness; others who thought it would be more for their benefit
that he should die intestate, opposed his inclination with great
bitterness. And thus a debate arose in Johnnie's household, which was as
noisy, as selfish, and, I had almost said, as sensible as any which has
occurred in the British Parliament since the days of Pitt and Fox.
Nevertheless, when the house divided, Johnnie's party prevailed; and,
strange to tell, he experienced great kindness and attention from both
sides ever afterwards; for the contending parties seemed to vie with
each other in obeying his commands and supplying his wants; and between
this period and the final settlement of Johnnie's last will and
testament, his friend Willie M'Bickers of Drum-dreggle had been several
times called upon in his behalf, and divers bottles of his best
medicinal water kindly procured, and tenderly presented to the old
invalid by his loving relatives and—expectant legatees.
Johnnie had no knowledge of legal forms; and
he was only possessed of as much skill in the art of writing as to
enable him to sign his own name. He was therefore incapable of preparing
himself the necessary instrument for securing to his heirs the property
which he intended to bequeath; and to call in the assistance of a
professional gentleman was quite contrary to Johnnie's ideas of economy;
for, as he wisely remarked, "a lawur wud tak' as muckle to tell fowk
what they were to get, as a' he had to gi'e them." But he discovered a
cheaper method of managing the affair, and one which answered the
purpose as well with his simple family as the most nicely adjusted
testament could have done; for they were not acquainted with the method
of breaking obligations by the assistance of law.
After receiving from the hands of his dutiful wife a
glass of double strong destructive, which had the happy effect of
strengthening him to make his will, and of hurrying him out of the way,
for the benefit of those whom it concerned, he raised himself up on his
arm, with all the Scottish good humour of his better days beaming in his
countenance, and thus addressed his faithful spouse—
"Ho ye, luckie! D'ye hear me na, eh? I fin'
mysel' a gueed deal revived by that speen'ul [spoonful] o' drink, woman;
and if a little dee [do] muckle gueed [good], muckle 'll
dee mair; sae hand me anither glass o't. D'ye understand me na—eh?
Wha kens but I may live to bless ye mony a lang day yet; but it's
best to be prepared for the warst, as worthy Mr. Humelrigs was wont to
say ; sae ye'll send aff immediately for my friends, Will M'Bickers and
Sandy Hapabout, that they may come and bear testification to the guids I
intend to contribute amang ye. D'ye understand me na, eh 1 An'
hear ye me, luckie—may the gear that I gi'e ye blaw aff frae yer hand
like birk seed frae the bensil, if ye forget the injunctions I leave ye,
or mak' ony tirrivee about my testimony after I'm gane!"
This was no time to dispute the desires, or disobey
the commands of Johnnie. The liquor which he requested was therefore
granted him; and a special messenger despatched with all speed for the
two individuals whom he had appointed as his executors, who both made
their appearance in good time to drink his foy, and listen to the
instructions which he had to give concerning the division of his
property. Suffice it to say, that the whole affair was settled to
Johnnie's satisfaction; and though there was a little natural grumbling
among his family about the shares he had allotted to each, the peace was
wonderfully preserved—no heads being broken, and no blood spilt upon the
occasion. But Johnnie's' eldest son, who, by the law of primogeniture,
should have inherited the whole, was excluded from all participation in
the distribution of his father's effects —the old testator evidently
showing, by his judicious conduct, in this respect, that he possessed
more sense in his own brainless head than the collective wisdom of all
our infallible ancestors is worth. For his son had previously received a
sufficient portion in the stocking of the farm which he then occupied;
and his own words upon the subject manifest more propriety of thought
than the world was inclined to give him credit for. Addressing himself
to one of his advisers, he inquired—
"An' fat think ye o' Johnnie, man! He has a
gueed farm, a gueed house, a weel filled stable', an' a weel filled
byre; an' I dinna ken fat mair he would he at, man."
After the affair was fully settled, by way of
confirmation of the solemn engagements which had been entered into, the
venerable testator and his two executors got gloriously drunk together,
and fairly forgot before they parted all the obligations they had
contracted since they met. Johnnie first became humorously drunk,
uttered some popular oaths, told several facetious fictions, and laughed
heartily at his own good-natured jokes. Anon, he became seriously drunk,
and diverted his rude associates with several pathetic lamentations over
the errors of his past life. Then he became confoundedly drunk, cried
with one side of his mouth, and laughed with, the other, while prayers
and blasphemies tumbled over each other, as they galloped forth with
fearful rapidity from his garrulous jaws J and, lastly, he became
speechlessly drunk, and never again moved lip nor limb in the capacity
of a mortal man !
Shortly after this event, a wag of the neighbourhood
composed the following
EPITAPH.
Here lies the dust o' Johnnie Hume,
Beneath the mountain daisy;
His spirit fled for want o' room,
An' left his body crazy.
But Johnnie, when his wame was toom,
Was unco ill to please aye,
Sae to avoid his glumsh and gloom,
An' keep his temper easy,
They ga'e him drink, till in a fume,
He vapour'd aff to Lizzy!
The news of Johnnie's death spread fast and far over
the surrounding country, and tit length reached the ears of his distant
son, who, influenced hy an earnest solicitude about the disposition of
his father's hetter part, soon put on a decent coat and a decent face,
and hurried away to the house of mourning, with a suitable lamentation
on his lips.
After a few brief inquiries as to the manner of his
father's exit, Johnnie the younger fully explained the object of his
visit, by requesting to know "fat had been left as his legatee o'
the gear that he had helpit sae weel to gather?"
He was faithfully presented with a silver-hinged
snuff horn, which his father had bequeathed him, on account of the
identity of his name with that which was engraved on the Scotch thistle
that ornamented the lid of it. Though his brothers were prone enough to
covet, they were too fearful to keep, anything which their father had
assigned to another; for, as long as his body remained above ground,
they apprehended that he would start up from his silent slumbers, and
upbraid them for their infidelity, should they violate his will in the
slightest degree. And thus, his lifeless remains commanded greater
respect in his family, than he had ever possessed while alive. Johnnie,
however, seemed to he less influenced by his awful veneration for the
dead, for he rejected his father's bequest with the bitterest contempt,
asserting, at the same time, that he had no use for horses without
hoofs. "But ye'll hae preef o' the injustice o' yer dealins afore lang,"
continued he, "for cheatry aye kythes upon the livin' an' the dead; an'
I'm muckle mista'en if my father get rest in his beerial place, or I get
the guid o' my am?"
Thus saying, the disinherited son strode haughtily
out of the house. But he had said eneugh to awaken the fears of his
superstitious kinsfolk, and they now felt greater pain from the
apprehension of Johnnie's return in the character of a ghost, than' they
had done at his departure in that of a father. Every case with which
they were acquainted, in which apparitions had manifested themselves to
men, was conjured up to recollection; and the various circumstances
connected with their appearance compared with those under which Johnnie
had departed from this world; and, after long and anxious consultation,
it was finally agreed that there was a probability of his return. But
though they frequently cast their expectant eyes towards the bed where
the lifeless body was laid, as if they thought he would rise up and
rectify all past errors, by remodelling his will, no voice was heard,
and no muscle stirred on the rigid convexity of his countenance. Day,
however, soon passed away, and their apprehensions grew more terrible as
the gloom of night approached, and an awful night it was; for the storm
which had been long gathering in dark and dismal masses in the sky, at
length burst forth with appalling violence, and soughed and howled among
the hoary trees that surrounded the little farm-house of Dubbyside; and
the fitful pauses and melancholy meanings of its inconstant voice might
well have astounded stouter hearts than those which beat in the
superstitious breasts of the Humes. In their ears every gust of the
tempest, rang like a voice from the dead. They believed that all the
inhabitants of the unseen world had been convoked by the spirit of their
father, to revel and roar around their desolate dwelling; and the
Various contortions which their countenances exhibited would have
excited the risibility of the gravest observer, "if any laughter at such
time could be."
Sleep was banished from every eye; and to add to
their trepidation, the midnight hour was approaching, when the spirits
of darkness are allowed the unlimited exercise of their own wicked
wills. Short sharp shrieks, resembling those uttered in the first
moments of mortal agony, began to swell, mingled with more distant
wailings, like the dreary lamentations of madness, and followed by long,
low, dismal groans. The solemn pauses which occurred in these terrible
sounds were occasionally broken by the watch-dog at the door, whose
yelling and growling seemed to bespeak a consciousness of "unholy
spirits near." The door and windows creaked and rattled to every gust of
wind, which, entering by their crevices, shook the old curtains of the
bed of death, and waved the flame of the ghastly candles that were
placed around it, now flaring with pale brilliance, and then sinking
into a feeble spark, which imparted a dim, fantastic appearance to the
antique furniture that filled the apartment, and increased the gloomy
horrors of the scene.
Amidst these fearful alternations of glare and gloom,
and surrounded by sights and sounds of woe, sat the simple family of
Johnnie Hume in an agony of speechless apprehension, but not in silence;
for there was a clattering among their jaw bones, which made them one of
the noisiest little companies that ever was convened around a cottage
hearth.
The old clock had no sooner began to rattle out the
midnight hour in her accustomed way, than the snow-white linen cloth,
that was so neatly folded over the round oak table, which stood in the
centre of the room, flew away of its own accord, and disappeared through
the cathole; and the bottles, glasses, and crockery which it
supported rolled on the floor with a crash like the meeting of many
waters. Unearthly sounds, too, began to arise in the garret, rattling
and rumbling as if a shower of cannon-balls were descending upon the
devoted dwelling, while long dismal shrieks, mingled with groans and
lamentations, continued to swell in the distance, with appalling
distinctness.
Terrified by this unaccountable storm of voices, the
whole family fled from the chamber of death, and took refuge in the
kitchen, where they concealed themselves under such articles of
furniture as might afford the best protection from the grisly spectres
which they every moment expected to burst upon their sight; and in an
inconceivably short time every one of them was so judiciously stowed
away that no mortal observer could have supposed the house inhabited. In
this state of dreary durance, they lay quietly till the cheerful beams
of the morning sun began to visit them in their separate cells. When at
last the cock's shrill larum "roused them from their lowly beds," and
restored them again to the blessings of light and liberty, they all
assembled in the kitchen to consult about the best means of preventing
the recurrence of such a disturbance.
"Gie Johnnie his share o' the gear," said one.
"Get my father beeried," said another.
Thus the family of Johnnie was again divided, and a
stout debate ensued ; but the amendment prevailed over the original
motion, for it had avarice on its side, and they had every reason to
believe that the unearthly noises which they had heard were occasioned
by a general muster of the spirits of darkness, who had assembled to
receive the ghost of the deceased into their society, and instruct him
in the mysteries of their commonwealth. Prompt measures were accordingly
taken to have Johnnie conveyed to his long home; and though they
scarcely deemed the coffin's lid would hold him fast, they had some
hopes that he would never again find his way back to disturb them in
their quiet possession of Dubbyside. But, alas, how frail are human
hopes!
On the second night after Johnnie's interment, when
the family were all in bed, they were again alarmed by several sharp
raps upon the window, which recalled all the former scene of uproar and
terror to their drowsy recollections; but none of them could find
courage to demand who was there, nor even to turn their heads in the
direction from which the sounds proceeded. This undoubtedly was the
Ghost; but on this occasion he was either more lazy or m better humour;
for he did not prosecute his "cantrips slight" so long or so
zealously as he had done before.
Next night, however, he returned at the accustomed
hour, and began his nocturnal exercises with greater vigour. The whole
family again took refuge from their fears beneath the massy folds of
their heavy home-spun blankets, which were alike impervious to sight and
sound; and nothing but the application of fire could have induced them
to come forth from their comfortable, concealment. There was one of the
family, however, who began to entertain the serious intention of
speaking to the Ghost; and this courageous individual—(who could have
believed it \)—was one of the fair sex—in short, no other than
Tibby Hume—Johnnie's beloved daughter; and
Who could appease like her a father's Ghost?
Full of her romantic project, the fair one arose from
her warm bed, and arraying herself hurriedly in a petticoat and
short-gown, that she might appear decently before the ghost of her
father, proceeded cautiously towards the door,—
And turn'd the key wi' cannie thraw,
An' owre the threshold ventured;
But first on Sawnie ga'e a oa',
Syne bauldly out she enter'd.
The full moon was shining with unclouded splendour
while the trembling girl cast her eyes fearfully around in hopes to find
the object of her search; but she discovered, to her horror, that she
was alone!
Had he sunk in the earth, or melted in air?
She saw not—she knew not—but nothing was there !
She leaned against the wall, and listened with
breathless attention; but there came no sound upon her ear, save the
beating of her own heart. At length she mustered courage to articulate
faintly the name of him whom she sought, but not the endearing name of
father. At that moment a solitary figure in white made his appearance
from behind one of the stacks. It was not, however, the form of Sandy
Hapabout, whom she in reality wished to meet, but it was indeed the
ghost of her father, whose presence, above all things, she desired to
avoid. She tried to run, but in her confusion fairly mistook her course,
and instead of doubling the jaw-hole, which lay right ahead, she ran
directly over its slippery verge, and fell with a fearful splash into
its polluted waters, which were not a little troubled on her account.
There she lay, with her eyes steadfastly fixed upon the apparition,
which did not seem to possess the smallest grain of gallantry in its
vapid composition ; for instead of coming directly to the assistance of
the bemired maiden, it turned aside and hobbled away with all its speed,
as if it had been a mere mortal, and susceptible of suffering
suffocation by the noisome effluvia which arose from the dangerous pool,
where the disconcerted beauty was plowtering for freedom! Nor did
he once look over his shoulder to see whether his daughter was drowning,
but repeating his accustomed song in his usual slow, melancholy tone,
"Johnnie's a' wrang! Johnnie's a' wrang!" finally disappeared at the
stable door, which seemed to open of its own accord for his reception.
As soon as the terrified girl could muster strength
to move, she crawled into the house, and gave a solemn recital of all
she had beheld; and her account was amply corroborated by the evidence
of her bedraggled garments. The Ghost did not leave his grave for
nothing. The traces which he left behind him proved to the satisfaction
of all that it was no pleasure jaunt or idle freak that brought him so
far abroad in the moonlight. In the morning, three of the best cows were
found to have escaped from the byre, and busily employed regaling
themselves upon one of the best pea-stacks in the barn-yard. The whole
of the pigs had also been turned adrift, and were assiduously engaged in
breakfasting on the contents of a potato pit which they had just
disembowelled. A pair of the best horses, too, wondering at their
unwonted liberty, were running races around the steading; and the hens
were cackling, and cocks crowing, in joyful chorus, on the tops of the
highest stacks. There was a general jubilee at Dubbyside, where all
seemed to rejoice but its human inhabitants. The Ghost was certainly
liberal in his notions, since he so generously conferred on all that
were bound the freedom which he himself enjoyed. But there was evidently
something beyond a mere love of liberty intended to be understood by
this transaction. The number of domestic animals let loose seemed to
indicate the share of his live stock which Johnnie the Ghost should have
bequeathed to his son, Johnnie the Mortal, as we must henceforward
distinguish him. The Humes were not altogether without a sense of their
ghostly father's intention; but, like all other reasonable beings, they
were slow to acknowledge, even to themselves, an understanding of any
mystery, the clearing up of which was likely to operate to their own
prejudice; so that it became a question among them, whether the presence
of the Ghost or absence of the cattle and poultry, would be the greatest
evil. Avarice, however, prevailed over fear, and they still retained the
property of which the living and the dead seemed striving to deprive
them. The indefatigable Ghost still continued to haunt the place of his
former residence, reminding his family of the injustice of which they
were guilty, and awakening them to a sense of the restless life which he
was living upon their account.
Though it was known all over the neighbourhood that "
Johnnie was gaun again," as the country people expressed it, and though
the most of his former friends carefully avoided his supposed haunts
after nightfall, there was one individual who was not to be daunted in
the performance of what he believed to be a benevolent duty. He
therefore braved every danger, and attended regularly at Dubbyside in
the capacity of comforter to the distressed household. But Sandy
Hapabout was in love, and to be in love is almost as good as to be in
armour; for all lovers, since the days of Cervantes, have been
successful in their "misventures." Though Sandy's mistress was once
deceived by meeting a ghost instead of a gallant, she was not always so
unfortunate in her assignations; but, despite all interruption from
mortal and immortal apparitions, spent many a delightful hour with her
faithful swain.
On one very stormy night, Sandy Hapabout knocked
gently at the door of Dubbyside, and was promptly answered by his ever
watchful mistress.
The wind blew as 'twad blawn its last;
The rattling showers rose on the blast;
The speedy gleams the darkness swallow'd;
Loud, deep, and long the thunder bellow'd:
That night, a child might understand
The deil had business on his hand.
Sandy confessed that it was an "awfu' thing to be out
in sic a nicht"; but he turned it to good account, by making it a proof
of the ardent passion which he felt for his fair Tibby. Tibby believed
his assertions, of course, and smiled graciously upon the devoted
attachment of her faithful swain. The night was too stormy for them to
enjoy each other's company, sweet as it was, in the open air. Sandy
accordingly advised, and Tibby agreed, that they should seek shelter in
the barn.
And who can tell the rapturous caress
That followed wildly in that dark recess!
Suffice it to say, that the moments flew as
expeditiously as if old Time, instead of dribbling them out grain by
grain from his weary hour-glass, had been crushing down whole hours at
once with a steam engine of sixty horse power.
But pleasures are like poppies spread,
You seize the flower, the bloom is shed.
While the young hearts of this happy pair were
fluttering with the most exuberant delight, the awful ghost made his
accustomed call at the door; and his long, melancholy cry, "Johnnie's a'
wrang! Johnnie's a' wrang!" rung like a death knell in their ears, and
thrilled their nerves like an electric shock—chasing away every
pleasurable sensation, and leaving them in a wonderfully romantic
situation for two modern lovers. The lady clung to her gallant, while he
gallantly butted with his head among the straw; and after a little
walloping with their legs, both succeeded in obtaining a tolerably
comfortable burrow. But, alas? what covering could conceal, or what
stronghold protect them from the approach of an enemy who found no
impediment to his march in the strongest doors and the firmest locks and
such an enemy was close at hand. He again uttered his dolorous cry, "
Johnnie's a' wrang! Johnnie's a' wrang!" and the door flew open at the
sound, as if touched by a magician's wand, or charmed by the presto of a
conjurer.
Sandy gasped with apprehension as the Ghost advanced
towards the place of their concealment; and every tramp of his feet on
the floor seemed to communicate a convulsive energy to the fingers of
his gentle mistress; for she clasped him so closely about the throat,
that he could only groan out, in stifled accents, "Dinna worry me, Tibby—dinna
worry me," when the unmannerly ghost actually planted his heavy
iron-shod shoe upon the extended leg of the enamoured rustic. But, as if
inspired by some heroic impulse of the heart, Sandy soon convinced the
solemn intruder that he was not to be trodden on with impunity; for
springing forward with the celerity of a mountain-cat, he seized the
weighty apparition by the ankle with such a determined grip, that the
ghost soon became more alarmed than the mortal; and totally forgetful of
the dignity of his character, called out, in a voice tremulous with
consternation,
" Wha the de—de—devil are ye?"
"Aha, lad!" said he of the straw, "I ken ye noo;" and
in confirmation of the popular adage that "knowledge is power," Sandy
tugged so strenuously at the brawny limb of the spectral aggressor, that
he soon laid him as prostrate as himself!
Thus fell in an unfortunate hour the ghost of Johnnie
Hume, who had "kept the country side in fear" for many a month, and
afforded stout arguments in favour of the ghost system in many a lengthy
debate. "Misfortunes love a train, and tread each other's heel;" and
Johnnie's did not end here. He had yet to suffer "a deeper wreck—a
greater fall;" for Sandy still held him fast by the ankle, and in the
ineffectual struggle which he made to escape, he unluckily projected his
anterior parts over a hole in the floor, which happened to be directly
above the chafi-house; and as the ponderous ghost descended head
foremost through the aperture, his depending weight proved too much for
Sandy's extended nerves, who accordingly slipped his hold, and down went
Johnnie to that dusty den, like Satan when "hurled headlong flaming from
the ethereal sky."
Sandy stalked about for a few minutes in silent
admiration of his own prowess. He had performed an achievement worthy of
the greatest hero; for what was the sack of Rome to the overthrow
of a ghost, or the valour of Brutus to the bravery of Sandy Hapabout?
The Roman trembled before the eye of his evil genius, but the ploughman
overcame his spiritual enemy. Nor can Scotland, the land of heroes,
produce a single name worthy to stand beside Sandy's in the annals of
Fame. Even the immortal Wallace fled before the ghost of his faithless
follower; and the hero of Flodden field trembled at the appearance,
though he disregarded the warning, of an old spectre who met him at
Linlithgow. But Sandy grappled with and overthrew a ghost—not a meagre,
white-headed, decrepit starveling, like that which terrified the
ill-fated James IV., but a full-grown vigorous
ghost, scarely less formidable for weight and bulk than that which,
issuing from the brain of Horace Walpole, made such a fearful commotion
in the Castle of Otranto.
Sandy stood still for a moment, and shook himself
like Samson; but what was Samson to Sandy, or the pulling down of the
pillars of Gaza to the overthrow of a ghost ? He could contain himself
no longer, but called out in a rapture to the betrothed of his heart,
who still lay crouched among the straw,
"Ho ye, Tibby ! Get up, woman there's na need for
terri-fication noo, for the ghost's coupit heels ower head i' the
chaff-house, an' he may plowter about long enough there or he get the
gait oot again. He's been aye cry cryin' that he was a' wrang; but he'll
no be sae far wrang in crying that he's a' wrang noo." Tibby did get up;
and after bestowing due praise upon her eliverer, and arranging matters
for their next meeting, they tore themselves asunder. Sandy went home to
boast of his own prowess in discomfiting the ghost of Dubbyside; but
Tibby spoke not a word of what had happened.
Next morning at daybreak, when her brothers went into
the barn, they were alarmed by an unaccountable noise in the
chaff-house; for the impatient ghost, after resting from the labours of
the night, had risen " like a giant refreshed," with the firm intention
of hreaking through every obstruction. It was now dim day-light, and the
Humes had no fear for the ghost. They accordingly armed themselves with
pitch-forks, and other warlike instruments, as if to contend with a
physical foe; and placed themselves in such array as that they might be
able to act on the offensive or defensive, as occasion might require.
Every brow was knit, and every arm raised to strike, when one of the
heroes advanced briskly and opened the door; but alas! what was their
consternation when the ghost—the grim grisly ghost—shook his winding
sheet, and gnashed his teeth in their faces!
They would have crossed themselves all muto,
They would have pray'd to burst the spell;
But at the stamping of his foot, Each hand down
powerless fell!
Their lethal weapons dropped harmlessly to the
ground; but though their arms were paralysed, their legs acquired a
double degree of swiftness; and off they scampered one and all, without
waiting a moment for the benison of their ghostly father. But the more
haste the less speed, as the old proverb has it; for two of them reached
the door exactly at the same time, and squeezed themselves so firmly
into the narrow passage that they could neither get backwards nor
forwards. The ghost beheld this new disaster with despair, for he was
anxious to escape; but his retreat was now cut off by the bodies of
those who had fled from his frown. He cursed his unlucky fate, and
scratched his shaggy head in perplexity; but as ghosts are destitute of
brains, it was in vain to dig there for wisdom. Fortune, however,
favoured, where foresight failed. The two living fixtures, believing in
their terror that it was the hand of the ghost that detained them,
called out, each for himself, at the same time—" O let me gang, an'
Johnnie sail get a' that belangs to him !"
This supplication contained a hint which brightened
up the invention of the ghost, and aroused all the activity of his
nature; and, again assuming the solemn dignity of his spiritual
character, he addressed the trembling suppliants, with a hollow voice,
in the following words:
"Gin ye honour the words o' yer faither, and do
justiceness to the claims o' yer brother; gin ye promise, upon yer lives
an' yer oaths to gie Johnnie his ain guid share o' the kye, an' the
ca'ves, an' the ploughs, an' the carts, an' o' a' the ither gear upon my
farm o' Dubbyside; an' his ain share o' the notes i' th' aumry, an' the
siller that I left i' the leather pouch aboon the bed;—gin ye'll promise
to dee a' this, without cheatry or lounry, ye'll ha'e lowsance frae yer
bondage, an' there sail be nae mair bickerment about the matter. But gin
ye break yer oblifications, or look ower yer shouthers afore ye be past
the knocken stane, I'll torment ye as lang as ye live, an' gie ye to the
devil for a greeshoch when ye dee. D'ye understand me na—eh ?"
The poor trembling mortals gave solemn promise of
obedience, and the wily ghost stepped briskly forward, and seized one of
them by the skirts of the coat, to pull him out of his wedgelike
position, that both might go free, when at this important moment, the
indefatigable Sandy Hapabout again made his appearance, and greeted his
friends in the doorway with a hearty salute. But the only answer he
received to his civil "Guid mornin'," was a convulsive gape of the jaws,
and an involuntary oscillation of the tongue. This unmannerly silence
was too much for the patience of Sandy to endure; and, imitating the
ludicrous contortions of countenance which they exhibited with the skill
of a practised ape, he exclaimed,—
"Guid sake, bodies! what are ye puffin' an' blawin',
an' gapin' an' gantin' there for, wi' faces like a nor'-wast nieen,
girnin' an' grainin' as if ye were tethered to a stake, an' twenty
bleed-hounds howling at yer heels?"
