No man’s life seemed to
promise a calmer course and a more serene close than that of the
Reverend Simon Gray. He had for many years possessed the enure affection
and respect of all the inhabitants of his parish. A few words from him
calmed angry blood, settled quarrels, and allayed animosity. In his kirk,
in his manse, in his neighbour’s house, in the field, and by the
way-side, he was, in good truth, the minister peace. In his own family
his happiness was perfect. His wife was, in all things, after his own
heart; and tw o sons and one daughter, just reaching man and woman’s
estate, had scarcely ever given their parents distress, and seemed
destined for a life of respectability and happiness. But it is with the
humble as with the high in this world; their possessions are equally
insecure; and the same lesson may be learnt from the life of the
lowliest peasant, as from that of the loftiest king. From the cottage
and from die palace the same warning voice is heard to say, “Call no man
happy till he dies.”
Simon Gray’s eldest son, a youth of distinguished talents, and even more
tenderly beloved than admired by all who knew him, was drowned in a
moorland loch in his father’s parish, one warm summer evening, when his
parents were sitting at no great distance, in a hollow among the hills.
They heard his cries, but could do nothing to save him, when, rushing to
the water’s weedy and rushy edge, they saw him sinking in miserable
entanglement among the long strong roots: of the water-lilies. Of the
shock their hearts and whole being then got, nothing need be said; but
from that evening, well as they were both thought to support it, every
one. in the parish felt^that they never were the same people as before,
that their faces never wore such bright smiles, and that the minister
and his wife often looked to each other when in company, with tearful
eyes, as if an accidental word or allusion had awakened in their hearts
a remembrance too tender or too terrible. Michael would have been, had
he lived, his father’s successor; and some thought that the raause never
looked exactly like itself since that fatal event.
But this was but the beginning of Simon’s sorrows. His other son was a
clerk in a commercial house in the neighbouring city, and in the
unreserved confidence of his employers. Regularly every Saturday did he
walk out to the Manse—staj' over the Sabbath— and next morning before
breakfast appear at his desk. But one dark and stormy winter evening, in
the middle of the week, he unexpectedly, entered his father’s study, and
flinging himself down upon his kness, declared that he was a rained and
lost man—that he had formed a guilty connection with a woman who had led
him on to his destruction,—and that he had embezzled his benefactor’s
money—done worse—forged his name, and that, unless he could make his
escape, he must expiate his crime on a scaffold.
Simon Gray lifted up his son from his knees, and folded him to his
heart. “My poor wretched boy— thy life is in jeopardy! Oh! that I knew
how to save my son ] Stephen—Stephen—what would signify the breaking of
my heart if thou wast but safe! Speak not—my sweet boy—of thy crimes,
great as they are.' I am thy father, and can now think’ but of thy
death, and thy life. Fly, Stephen, and take with thee thy father’s
blessing. Perhaps all thy money is gone —I will give thee enough to
pursue thy journey— and so also may I be able to repay all thou hast
embezzled. O, Stephen—Stephen—my beloved boy, who hast so often sat in
thine innocence on my knees, and whom so often I have put to bed after
thy prayers, has it indeed come to this?” And father and son knelt down
together and prayed unto their God. It was a black stormy night, and
Stephen went away without seeing his mother or sister. He went away —but
he never returned. He made his escape to America, and died, in a few
weeks after his arrival, of the yellow fever.
The miserable father knew not how to break the matter to his wife and
daughter. They saw his affliction,—and he told them he feared Stephen
was a profligate. But next night, the outer door opened loudly, and two
officers of justice entered the manse. Now, all concealment was at an
end; and next day it was known, not only to the inmates of the manse,
but to all the inhabitants of the parish, that Stephen Gray was a
criminal, and had fled to a foreign land.
Over the grave of the eldest son, his parents could shed tears of a
resigned sadness; but for him who died untended beyond the sea, their
grief was tetter and' inconsolable. No one ever uttered Stephen’s name,
although there was not a house in all the parish where his cheerful
laugh had not been welcome. . Ill as he had behaved, dishonestly and,
very affection for his memory ;was in every , heart. But a grave look or
a sigh was all in which any one could show this sorrow and sympathy now;
and the minister of Seatoun understood 'the silence of his parishioners,
for his dead son had been a felon—aye, Stephen, the gay, witty,
fearless, and affectionate Stephen had been a felon. He had written a
letter to his father on his death-bed —a few words—but they were
impressed for ever on his father’s soul, and often did he repeat them in
his sleep, as the tears forced their way through his closed eyelids, and
drenched his heaving breast.
The terror struck into the heart of Stephen’s Sister by the sudden
bursting in of the officers of justice into the manse, in some degree
affected her intellects; her memory from that night was impaired, and
after her brother’s death in America had been communicated to her, she
frequently forgot it, and weeping, implored to know if he had not lately
written home. “He must be dead, or he would have written;” and she kept
walking about the house, from one room to another, repeating these words
with a wailing voice and sorely wringing her hands. That could not last
long; without any disease, she lay down on her bed, and never more rose.
She was buried by the side of her brother Michael,—and now Simon Gray
was childless.
Misfortunes, it is said, come in clouds; and indeed one is often not the
forerunner merely, but the cause of another, till a single loss appeals,
on reflection, to have been the source of utter misery, ruin, and
desolation. Each of these deaths took away a portion of Simon Gray’s
fortitude; but still, after a few months, he had carried over his whole
awakened heart upon the survivor. Now there was no one left for a
parent’s love; and it was buried below the last slab that laid its
weight on his family burial-place. To be sure, poor Stephen was not
there—but he had his memorial too, beside his brother and sister, for
his crimes had not divided him from one loving heart— and few but his
parents' eyes looked on the stone that bore his name and the number of
his years. Under all these "afflictions, Simon’s wife seemed to bear
herself up to the wonder of all who beheld her.
She attended to every thing about the house as before; none of her
duties to the poor or rich among her parishioners were neglected; and
but for-her, it was said, that her husband must have sunk under his
sorrows. But little do we know of each other’s hearts. Simon Gray was
disconsolate—miserable—despairing: but his health did not suffer—and he
was able to discharge his ordinary duties as before, after a short
suspension. She who administered comfort to him, sometimes in vain,
needed it more even than himself; for her grief preyed inwardly, in the
midst of that serene resignation, and struck in upon her very heart. Her
strength decayed—she drew her breath with pain— and although no one,'
not even her medical attendants, feared immediate danger, yet one day
she was found dead, sitting in a bower in the garden,' to which she had
retired to avoid the noon-day sun. Death had come gently into that
bower, and touched her heart, perhaps in a slumber. Her head was
reclining against the green leaves, and the Bible had not even fallen
out of her hand.
The calamities that had befallen the Minister of Seatoun were as great
as heart or imagination can conceive. Yet such calamities have been
borne by many -human beings, who have so far recovered from their shock
as afterwards to enjoy some satisfaction in their existence. Men have we
all known, with cheerful countenances, and apparently placid minds,
whose best enjoyments have been sorely cut down; and who, at one time,
no doubt, thought mid felt that for them, never more could there be one
glimpse of joy upon this earth. But necessity is to maid afflicted
spirits, although a stern yet a sure comforter. The heart in its agonies
of grief is rebellious, and strives to .break asunder the fetters of its
fate. But that mood cannot be sustained. It is irrational and impious,
and. the soul can find true rest only in resignation and submission.
Then mingled motives to better and calmer thoughts arise.—Men see .the
wisdom and the virtue of a temperate sorrow,—the folly and the
wickedness of outrageous grief. They begin to wish, to obey the laws
that ought to regulate the feelings of mortal creatures.: In obeying
them there is consolation, and a lightening of the sore burden of their
distress. Then come blessed thoughts of the reward of the righteous who
have gone to God—remembrances of all their beauty, innocence, or
goodness, while they sojourned with us here;—mid hope, faith, and belief
that we shall yet meet them face to face, and be no more severed. Thus
does time cure the-wounds of the heart, just as it covers the grave with
verdure and with flowers.” We cannot, if, we would, have without often
sorrowing; but neither can we, if we. would, sorrow always. God is
kinder to us than we are to ourselves, and he lifts us up when in blind
passion, we would fain lie grovelling hopelessly in the dust.
So is it with many.—perhaps with most men—but it is not so with all. It
was not so with him of whom we now speak. The death of his children he
bore with resignation, and thought of them in peace. But when his soul
turned from them to their mother it was Suddenly disquieted; and day
after day, week after week, and month after month, was it drawn with a
more sickening and disconsolate passion of grief to her grave. An
overwhelming tenderness for ever drowned his soul—haunted was he for
ever by her image, dressed as he had never seen her, but as he knew she
now was drest,—in a shroud. The silence of his room —of the whole
house—of the garden—the glebe—and all the fields around, was
insupportable: he prayed to forget her; and then, with a gush of tears,
he prayed that he might never cease for one moment to think of her while
he lived. Why, some one might have asked, was this man so distressed, so
distracted, so infatuated in his grief? Who was she that had been taken
from him? Did all the beauty of the skies, all the gladness of the
earth, all affection, love, joy, and thought centre but in her alone ?
Had the mercy of God, and his bounty to this being whom he still
supported, been utterly extinguished when the eyes of her whom he loved
were closed in death? Who and what may she have been that must thus
madly and hopelessly be for ever deplored?
To an indifferent heart, these questions could not have been
satisfactorily answered. She who had died, and who was thus ceaselessly
bewailed, was but one of many many, most worthy when known to be
beloved, but who, undistinguished among their fellow-creatures, live,
and die, and go to Heaven. Simon Gray had married her when they were
both young, both humble, as indeed they always had been, and both poor.
She brought to him pure affection, a heart full of tenderness and pity,
a disposition as sweet as ever tinged a woman’s cheek with smiles,
cheerfulness never obscured, simple thoughts reconciled in joy to a
simple life, and a faith in religion as perfect as in the light of the
outer day. In her quiet and narrow neighbourhood she was thought not
without her beauty; and whatever that might have been, it sufficed to
delight the heart and soul of Simon Gray, when she became his bride. For
twenty years never had they been a whole day apart. No change had ever
taken place in their affection, but such change as nature graciously
brings when new loves and new duties arise to bless the wedded life.
Simon Gray never thought of comparing his wife with others. In herself
she was a bliss to him. God gave her to him, and perhaps he thought in
his soul that he might be resigned were God to take her away. Such was
the spirit that breathed over his constant thoughts, and actions, and
discourses; and in him it was unaffected and sincere. But who knows his
own soul? God did take her away, and then it was known to him how
ungrateful and how miserably weak was his heart, how charged haunted and
torn with vain passion and lamentation, with outcries of grief that have
no comfort, with recklessness and despair.
He seemed now to be. without any object in this world. His very zeal in
the cause he. sincerely loved was deadened,—and he often durst not say
the things he ought when preaching of the loving kindness of his God.
The seat below the pulpit, and close to it^ where for so many years he
had seen the composed and attentive faces of his beloved wife and
children, was now often empty,—-or people in it he cared not for,—
indeed he cared less and less every Sabbath for the congregation he had
long so truly loved, and the bell that formerly sent a calm joy into his
heart, ringing through the leafy shelter of the summer trees or tinkling
in the clear winter sky, how gave pangs of grief, or its sound was heard
with indifference and apathy. He was in many things unconsciously a
changed man indeed,—and in some where he perceived and felt the change,
with unavailing self-upbraiding and with fear and trembling before his
Creator and Redeemer. This sore and sad alteration in their Minister was
observed with grief and compassion by all his parishioners. But what
could they do for him? They must not obtrude themselves too often on the
privacy, the sanctity of sorrow; but he was remembered in their prayers,
and many an eye wept, and many a voice faultered, when by the cottage
firesides they talked of their poor Minister’s afflictions, and the
woeful change that had been wrought in so short a time within that
Manse, which had so long stood like the abode of an almost perfect
blessedness.
A rueful change was indeed beginning to take place in the state of Simon
Gray’s soul, of which no one out of the Manse could have had any
suspicion, and which for a while was not suspected even by his own
attached and faithful servants. Without comfort, under the perpetual
power of despondency and depression, hopeless, and not wishing for hope,
afraid at last of the uncompanioned silence of his solitary hearth, and
with a mind certainly weakened in some degree by that - fever of grief,
Simon Gray dimly turned his thoughts to some means of alleviating his
miseries, be they what 1 they might, and he began to seek sleep during
the night from the influence of dangerous drugs. These often gave him
nights unhaunted by those beloved spectres whose visits were
unsupportable to his soul. They occasioned even thoughts and fancies
alien and remote from what he so loved and feared; and now and then
touched his disconsolate spirit with something ike a gleam of transitory
gladness. One moment to be happy, was something that his weakened mind
conceived to be a gain. Afraid and terrified with his own thoughts,
great relief was it to be placed, even for the shortest time, out of
their tormenting power. The sentence of death was then, as it were,
remitted,—or, at least, a respite granted, or the hope of a respite. And
when his fire was out—the Manse dark and silent, and the phantoms about
to return, he flew to this medicine in an agony, and night after night,
till at last it followed regularly the unhappy man’s prayers, and Simon
Gray, so that his loss might be buried in oblivion, resigned himself
into that visionary or insensible sleep.
No doubt his mental sufferings were often thus relieved ; but the sum of
his misery was increased. Horrid phantasies sometimes assailed him,—his
health suffered,—a deep remorse was added to his other agonies, —the
shame, the perturbation of despicable vice, and the appalling conviction
brought in flashes upon his understanding, that it too was weakened, and
that his life* might terminate in imbecility or madness.
He had now several separate states of existence, that came by degrees
into ghastly union. One was his own natural, widowed, childless,
forlorn, uncompanioned, and desolate condition—without one glimpse of
comfort, and unendurable altogether to his cold and sickened heart. From
that he flew, in desperation, into a world of visions. Then the dead
seemed reanimated—the silent burst into song—and sunshine streamed, as
of yore, through the low windows of the Manse, and fragrance from the
clambering honeysuckle filled every room. The frenzied man forgot his
doom, and whenever a door opened, he looked to see his wife and
children. The potent drugs then blessed his brain; and his countenance
beamed with smiles sad to behold, born of that lamentable delusion. But
ere long this spell began to dissolve. Then came horrid hints of the
truth. One corpse after another lay before him—he knew them, and went up
to close their eyes—then a sense of his own pitiable prostration of mind
came over him, and still unable to know certainly whether he was or was
not a childless widower, he would burst out into a long hysterical
laugh, strike his burning forehead, and then fling himself clown on bed
or floor, to him alike, or sit in his lonely room, in utter
stupefaction, and with cheeks bathed in tears. The servants would come
in, and look upon him in pity, and then go their ways, without uttering
a word.
The whole manners and appearance of the Minister of Seatoun were now
visibly changed to the most careless eye. His sedate and gentle
demeanour was converted into a hurried and distracted wildness.
Sometimes he. was observed in black melancholy and despair,— and then
again in a sort of aimless and unbecoming glee. His dress was not the
same,—his countenance had the wrinkles but not the paleness of
grief,—his hand trembled, and his voice sounded not like the voice of
the same man. A miserable rumour spread over the parish. The austere
expressed dissatisfaction, —the gentle pitied,—the thoughtless smiled
but all confessed that such a change had never been known before as that
which had taken place in the Munster of Seatoun,—and that, alas! his
life was likely to end in disgrace as well as sorrow. His degradation
could not be concealed. Simon Gray the simple, the temperate, the pious,
and the just, was now a wine-bibber and a drunkard.
The Manse now stood as if under bann of excommunication. All the gravel
walks, once so neat, were overgrown with weeds; the hedges w ere
unpruned; cattle browzed often in the garden; and dust and cobwebs
stained and darkened every window. Instead of the respectable farmers of
the parish, the elders, or some of the few neighbouring gentry, being ,
seen entering or leaving the Manse, none but men of doubtful reputation,
or bad, opened the gate—strangers of mean appearance, and skulking
demeanour, haunted it, and lingered about at twilight—and not
unfrequently the noise, clamour, and quarrelling of drunken revelry
startled the passer by from bounds wherein, at such hours formerly, all
had been silent, except, perhaps, the sweet sound of the evening psalm.
It was not possible that all respect could easily or soon be withdrawn
from a man once so universally and so deservedly honoured. His vice
proceeded from the weakness of his heart, that had lived too much on its
own love and on its own happiness, and when these stays were removed
fell down into this humiliation. Many excuses,—many palliations,—many
denials were framed for him, and there was often silence at his name.
After almost all respect was gone, affection remained nearly as strong
as before, for that Simon Gray had been a good man none denied, and now
too were joined to the affection for him a profound pity and pure
compassion. “Was he not a widower? Was he not childless? Surely few had
been tried as he had been tried, —and it was easy to see that the poor
man’s grief had affected his brain. The minister is not in his . right
mind,—but we trust in God that he may get better.” Such were the words
of many and the wishes of all. For he had no enemies,—and he had for
nearly twenty years been a friend to them all, both in things temporal
and things eternal.
But the hour of his ruin was fast approaching. Perhaps the miserable man
knew that he was lost. Perhaps he took an insane pleasure in looking
forward to his utter destruction. He was now the abject slave of his
vice—-whatever passed within his troubled arid often clouded mind, he
seemed often to have no shame now—no desire of concealment, but was seen
in the open day-light, in presence of old age that mourned, and
childhood that could only wonder, a rueful spectacle of degradation,.
laughing or perhaps weeping, with his senses drowned or inflamed,
ignorant of himself and of his profession, and seemingly forgetful even
of the name of his parish, and of the house in whose quiet secrecy he
had passed so many years of temperance, happiness, and virtue.
A melancholy confusion was now in all his mind. Subjects once familiar
to him were now almost forgotten ; truths once clear to him as sunshine
were now no more known; the great doctrines of Christianity which he had
so long taught with simplicity and fervour, became to his weakened and
darkened understanding words without meaning; even the awful events of
his Saviour’s life, from the hour when he was laid in the manger, till
he died on the cross, were at times dimly recognized, for all now was
glimmering and ghastly in the world of his memory. One night he was seen
sitting beside the graves of his wife and children. The infatuated man
fixed on them his glazed and wild eyes, and muttered unintelligible
lamentations and blessings. Most sad—most shocking —most terrible, was
it to behold such a man in such a place, in such pitiable degradation.
For one year had not yet elapsed since Simon Gray had been leading a
life of innocent simplicity, a perfect model of what ought to be the
simple and austere minister of a simple and austere church. There he was
seen by a few, now wringing his hands, now patting the tombstone on his
wife’s grave, now kneeling down, now kissing it, now lifting up his
convulsed face to Heaven, alternately yielding to a wailing tenderness,
and a shuddering horror—forgetful now of every thing but the dim
confusion of all those deaths and his own miseries, and now seemingly
assailed with a dreadful consciousness of his miserable degradation,
till, with a horrid groan, long, low, and deep of mortal grief, he rose
up from the ground, gazed ghastly round all over the tombstones with a
bewildered eye, glared upon the little kirk and its spire now bright
with the light of the setting sun, and then, like a wandering and
puuish-ed ghost, disappeared into the shady and neglected garden of the
Manse.
Enslaved as Simon Gray now was to his vice, or, indeed, disease, yet
such was the solemn and awful power over his mind which the Sabbath-day
possessed, that lie had never once polluted or violated its sanctity. In
cases of furious insanity, it has been known that patients whose lives
had been religious have felt the influence of strong habitual
association, and kept a wild Sabbath even in their cells. With the
Minister of Seatoun this mysterious force had hitherto imposed a saving
restraint. His congregation was sadly thinned, but still he performed
divine service ; and no one at least could say that they had ever seen
the wretched man under the dominion of the sin, that so easily beset him
in the pulpit. But that hour now came; and he was ruined past all
earthly redemption.
Next day the Elders went to the Manse. His servants made no opposition
to their entrance, nor did they deny that their Minister was at home.
They had not, indeed, seen him since the evening before; but they had
heard his footsteps and his voice, and knew that he was not dead. So the
Elders walked up stairs to his room, and found him sitting near the
window, looking out upon the church-yard, through and below the rich
flowery foliage of the horse-chesnuts and sycamores that shadowed both
Manse and Kirk. He was fully awakened to the horrors of his situation,
and for a while spoke not a word. “Come down with me into the parlour,”
he said; and they did so. They all sat down, and there was yet silence.
They feared to turn their eyes upon him, as he stood by himself in the
midst of them—pallid, ghastly, shuddering,—-the big burning tears of
guilt, and shame, and despair, falling down upon the floor. “Lost am I
in this world and the next! I have disgraced the order to which I
belong—I have polluted the church—I have insulted the God who made me,
and the Saviour who redeemed me! Oh! never was there a sinner like unto
me !” He dashed himself down on the floor—and beseeched that no one
would lift him up. “Let me hear your voices while I hide my face. What
have you to say unto your wretched minister? Say it quickly—-and then
leave me lying on the floor. Lift me not up!” His body lay there, in
this prostration of the spirit, before men who had all known him, loved
him, respected him, venerated him, not more than one year ago. Much of
that was for ever gone now; but much remained unextinguishable in their
hearts. Some of them were austere, and even stern men, of his own age,
or older than he; but there are times and occasions when the sternest
become the most compassionate. So was it now. They had come hot to
upbraid or revile,—not even to rebuke., They brought with them sorrow
and tribulation, and even anguish in their souls. For they knew that his
ministry was at an end; that Simon Gray was now nothing unto them but a
fallen and frail being, whose miseries, they themselves fallen and frail
too were by nature called upon to pit)—and they wished, if possible, to
give comfort and advice, and to speak with him of his future life. Why
should they be stern or cruel to this man? They had sat often and often
at his simple board when his wife and family graced and blessed it;—he,
too, had often and often familiarly and brotherly sat in all their
houses, humble, but scarcely more humble than his own—he had jointed
some of them in wedlock—baptized their children—remembered them-in his
public prayers when any of them had been threatened with death—he had
prayed, too, by their bedsides in their own houses—he had given them
worldly counsel—and assisted them in their worldly trials-—and was all
this to be forgotten now? And were they to harden their hearts against
him? Or, were not all these things to be remembered with a grateful
distinctness; and to soften their hearts; and even to bedew their faces
with tears; and to fill their whole souls with pity, sorrow, affection,
and the sadness of brotherly love towards him who so good in many
things, had, at last, been weighed in the balance and found wanting?
They all felt alike now, however different their, dispositions and
characters. They did not long suffer him to lie on the floor—they lifted
him up—tried to comfort him—wept along with him,— and when the miserable
man implored one of the number to offer a prayer for him, they all
solemnly knelt down, and hoped that God, who was now called upon to
forgive his sins, would extend his mercy to all the fellow-sinners who
were then together upon their knees.
Simon Gray was no more a Minister of the Church of Scotland, and he left
the parish. It was thought by many that he was dead—that shame and
remorse, and the disease that clung close to his soul, had killed him at
last. But it was not so. The hour was not yet come, and^his death was
destined to be of a different kind indeed. .
The unfortunate man had a brother who, for many years, had lived on a
great sheep-farm in Strathglass; a wild district of the northern
Highlands. He had always stood high in the esteem and love of this
uneducated, but intelligent farmer—he had visited him occasionally with
his wife and children for a few days, and had received similar visits in
return. This good and worthy man had grieved for Simon’s bereavement,
and his subsequent frailties; and now he opened the door of his house,
and of his heart, to his degraded, and remorseful, and repentant
brother. His own wife, his sons, and his daughters, needed not to be
told to treat with tenderness, respect, and pity, the most unfortunate
man; and on the evening, when he came to their house, they received him
with the most affectionate warmth, and seemed, by the cheerfulness of
their manners, not even to know of the miserable predicament in which he
stood, Happy were all the young people to see their uncle in the
Highlands, although at first they felt sad and almost surprised to
observe that he was dressed just like their father, in such clothes as
become, on decent occasions, a hard working labouring man, a little
raised above the wants of the world.
Even before the heart of poor Simon Gray had time to be touched, or at
least greatly revived, by the unrestrained kindness of all those worthy
people, the very change of scenery had no inconsiderable effect in
shrouding in oblivion much of his past misery. Here, in this solitary
glen, far, far away from all who had witnessed his vices and his
degradation, he felt relieved from a load of shame that had bowed him to
the earth. Many long miles of moor—many great mountains—many wide
straths and glens—many immense lakes—and a thousand roaring streams and
floods were now between him and the manse of Seatoun—the kirk where he
had been so miserably exposed—and the air of his parish, that lay like a
load on his eyes when they had dared to lift themselves up to the
sunshine. Many enormous belts and girdles of rock separated him from all
these ; he felt safe in his solitude from the power of excommunication;
and there was none to upbraid him with the>"r black silent countenances
as he walked by himself along the heathery shores of a Highland loch, or
plunged into a dark pine-forest, or lay upon the breast of some enormous
mountain, or sat by the roar of some foaming cataract. And when he went
into a lonely shealing, or a smoky hut, all the dwellers there were
unknown to him—and, blessed be. God, he was unknown to them; —their
dress, their gaze, their language, their proffered food and refreshment,
were all new—they bore no resemblance to what he had seen and heard in
his former life. That former life was like a far off, faint, and
indistinct, dream. But the mountain—the forest —the glen—the
cataract—the loch—the rocks—the huts—the deer—the eagles—the wild Gaelic
dresses— and that wilder speech—all were real,—they constituted the
being of his life now; and, as the roar of the wind came down the glens,
it swept aw ay the remembrance of his sins and his sorrows.
But a stronger, at least a more permanent power was in his brother’s
house, and it was that from which his recovery or restoration was
ultimately to proceed.
The sudden desolation of his heart that in so brief a period had been
robbed of all it held dear, had converted, Simon Gray from temperance
almost austere, into a most pitiable state of vicious indulgence; and
his sudden restoration now to domestic comfort and objects of interest
to a good man’s human feelings, began to work almost as wonderful a
conversion from that wretched habit to his former virtue. New eyes were
upon him—new hearts opened towards him—new voices addressed him with
kindness—new objects were presented to his mind. The dull, dreary,
silent, forsaken, and haunted .Manse, where every room swarmed with
unendurable thoughts, was exchanged for an abode entirely free from all
recollections and associations, either too affecting, or too afflicting.
. The simple gladness that reigned in his brother’s house stole
insensibly into Ills soul, reviving and renovating it with feelings long
unknown. There was no violent or extravagant joy in which he could not
partake, and that might form a distressing and galling contrast with his
own grief. A homely happiness was in the house, in every room, and about
every person, and he felt himself assimilated, without effort of his
own, in some measure to the cheerful, blameless, and industrious beings
with whom it was now his lot to associate. He had thought himself lost,
but he felt that yet might he be saved; he had- thought himself
excommunicated from the fellowship of the virtuous, but he felt himself
treated, not only with affection, but respect by his excellent brother,
all his nephews and nieces, and the servants of the house. His soul
hoped that its degradation was not utter and retrievable. Human beings,
he began to see, could still love, still respect, even while they pitied
him; and this feeling of being not an outcast from his kind, encouraged
him humbly to lift his eyes up to God, and less ruefully, and not with
such bitter agony, to prostrate himself in prayer.
He thus found himself lifted out of the den of perdition ;—and, escaped
into the clear unhaunted light, he felt unspeakable horror at the
thought of voluntarily hinging himself back again among these dreadful
agonies. His brother rejoiced to behold the change so unexpectedly
sudden in all his habits; and, when they went out together in the
evenings to walk among the glens, that simple man laid open to Simon all
his heart—spoke to him of all his affairs—requsted his advice—and
behaved towards him with such entire and sincere respect and affection,
that the fallen man felt entitled again to hold up his head, and even
enjoyed hours of internal peace and satisfaction, which at first he was
afraid to suffer, lest they might be the offspring of apathy or
delusion. But day after day they more frequently returned and more
lastingly remained; and then Simon Gray believed that God was, indeed,
accepting his repentance, and that his soul might yet not be utterly
lost.
Simon Gray went out with the servants to their work, himself a servant.
He worked for his brother and his children, and while his body was bent,
and his hands were busy, his heart was at rest. The past could not take
direful possession of him when labouring in the fields, or in the
garden, or in the bam, or searching for the sheep in snow or tempest,
with his brother or his nephews. The pure fresh air blew around his
temples—the pure fresh water was his drink—toil brought hunger which the
simple meal appeased—and for every meal that his brother blest, did he
himself reverently return thanks to God. So was it settled between them;
and Simon Gray, bn such occasions, in fervid eloquence, expressed his
heart.
He rose with the light or the lark—all his toils were stated—all his
hours of rest; and in a few months he was even like one who, from his
boyhood, had been a Shepherd or a tiller of the earth.
In this humble, laborious, and, it maybe said, happy life, years past
over his head, which was now getting , white. Suffice it to say, that
once more Simon Gray was as temperate as a hermit. Hi knew—he
remembered—he repented all his former shameful transgressions. Hut now
they were to him only as a troubled dream. Now, too, could he bear to
think on all his former life before he was tried and fell—of his beloved
Susanna and the children sleeping by her side in Seatoun church-yard—and
of that dear, but guilty boy, who died in a foreign land. In his
solitary labours in the field, or on his chaff bed, his mind, and his
heart, and his soul were often in the happy Manse of former years. He
walked in the garden and down the burn-side, through the birch wood, and
by the little waterfall, with his wife, and boys and girl—and then could
he bear to think of the many many Sabbaths he had officiated in his own
kirk, on' all the baptisms, and that other greater Sacrament,
administered, on beautiful weather, in the open air, and beneath the
sliadow of that wide-armed sicamore. Calmly, now, and with an untroubled
spirit, did he think on all these things; for he was reconciled to his
present lot, which, he knew, must never be changed, and to his humbled
heart came soothingly and sweet all the voices of the dead, and all the
shadows of the past. He knew now the weakness*of Ins own soul. Remorse
and penitence had brought up all its secrets before him; and in
resignation and contentment, morning and evening, did he for all his
gracious mercies praise God.
Simon had taught his brother’s children, and they all loved him as their
very father. Some of their faces were like the faces of their dead
cousins—and some of them bore the very same voices. So seemed it that
his very children were restored to him—the power of the grave was
weakened over his heart—and though he sometimes felt, and said himself,
that the living, though like the dead, were not his own blessed
creatures, yet he gave them up all of a father’s heart that was not
buried in those graves which had so quickly, one after the other,
employed the old sexton’s spade. And often, no doubt, when his heart was
perfectly calm and happy, did he love his brother’s children even as he
had loved his own.
Many years thus passed away, and with them almost all tradition, in this
part of the country, of Simon’s degradation from the clerical order. It
had faded in simple hearts occupied with their own feelings;" and when
he was in company with others at church or market, not even those who
knew all the circumstances of his case could be said to remember
them—they saw before them only a plain, simple, grave, and contented
person like themselves, in a humble wall of life. Simon's own mind had
been long subdued to his lot. He felt himself to be what he appeared;
and he was distinguishable from his brother, whom in aspect and figure
he greatly resembled, only by an air of superior intelligence and
cultivation. His hands were, like his brother’s, hardened by the
implements of labour—his face was as embrowned by the sun—and his dress,
on week-day and Sabbath, alike plain, and in all respects that of a
respectable tenant. It seemed now that he was likely to terminate his
blameless life in peace.
His brother was now obliged to go to the Lowlands on the affairs of his
farm, and so many years having elapsed since Simon’s degradation, he
felt an irresistible desire to revisit, once before he died, the
neighbourhood at least of his deaf parish once his own, if not the dear
parish itself. Many must have now forgotten him; and indeed ten years,
at his period of life, and all his severe miseries, had done the work of
twenty—so although but sixty years of age, he seemed at least a man of
threescore and ten. Accordingly he accompanied his brother to the
Lowlands— once more walked about the streets and squares of the City,
where so many changes had taken place that he scarcely knew his way, and
where the very population itself seemed entirely changed. He felt
comforted that no eye rested upon him; and next day —a fine clear bright
frost, and the ground covered with snow—he went with his brother to a
village distant about ten miles only from his own Manse of Sea-toun. But
a river and two ranges of hills lay between —so there was little danger
of Jus meeting any one who would recognize him to have been the minister
of that parish. Simon was happy, but thoughtful, and his nearness to the
place of his former life did not, he thought, affect him so powerfully,
at least not so overwhelmingly as he had expected. A party of farmers
from different districts dined together, and after dinner, one of them,
whose treatment of Simon, though not absolutely insulting, had been rude
and boisterous all day, began to indulge in very brutal talk, and to
swallow liquor, with an evident design to produce intoxication. Simon
endeavoured to avoid all conversation with this person, but on one
occasion could not avoid gently remonstrating with him on his grossness.
He also kindly dissuaded him from drinking too much, a sin of which,
from bitter experience, he had known the miserable effects, and of which
he had in many others wrought the cure. But his remonstrance enraged the
young farmer, who, it seems, came from the parish of Seatoun, and knew
Simon’s whole history. He burst out into the most ferocious invectives
against his reprover, and soon showed that he was but too intimately
acquainted with all the deplorable and degrading circumstances of the
case. In the coarsest terms he informed the whole company who they had
got amongst them; directed their attention to the solemn hypocrisy of
his countenance; assured them that his incontinence had not been
confined to drinking ; and that even ,n the Highlands, the old sinner
had corrupted the menials in his brother’s house, and was the reproach
of all Lowlanders that visited Strathglass.
This sudden, unprovoked, and unexpected brutality annihilated Simon’s
long gathered fortitude. The shocking, coarse, and unfeeling words were
not all false ii—and they brought upon his troubled and sickening heart
not the remembrance of his woeful transgression, but it may lie said its
very presence. Ten years of penitence, and peace, and virtue, and
credit, were at once destroyed,—to him they were as nothing,—and he was
once more Simon Gray the sinner, the drunkard, the disgraced, the
degraded, the madman. He looked around him, and it seemed as if all eyes
were fixed, upon him with pity, or contempt, or scorn. He heard
malicious •whisperings—curious interrogatories —and stifled laughter;
and, loud over all, the outrageous and brutal merriment of his nsulter,
the triumphant peal of self-applauding brutality, and the clenched hand
struck upon the table: m confirmation of the truth of his charge, and in
defiance of all gainsay-ers. Simon Gray saw—heard no more. He rushed out
of the room in an agony of shame and despair, and found himself standing
alone in the darkness.
He thanked God that it was a wild, stormy, winter night. The farmers had
not ventured to mount their horses in that snow-drift—but Simon turned
his face to the flaky blast, and drove along knee-deep, turning a deaf
ear to his brother's voice which he heard shouting his name. He knew not
whither he was thus rushing —for as yet he had no determined purpose in
his mind. One wish alone had he at this hour—and that was to fall down
and die. But the snow was not so deep a short way out of the village,
and the energy which his despair had given his limbs enabled him to
pursue his solitary race through the howling darkness of the night. He
noticed nothing but the tops of the hedges on each side that marked out
the road;—and without aim or object, but a dim hope of death, or a
passion for the concealing and hiding darkness, he thus travelled
several miles, till he found himself entering upon a wide common or
moor. “I am on the, edge of the moor,” he exclaimed to himself, “the
moor of my own parish—my own Seatoun.—No eye can see me— blessed be God
no eye can see me,—but mine eyes can see the shape of the small swelling
hills and mounts covered though they be with snow, and neither moon nor
stars in heaven. Yes, I will walk on, now that I am here, right on to
the kirk of Seatoun, and will fall down upon my knees at the. door of
God's House, and beseech Him, after all my repentance, to restore to
peace my disconsolate, my troubled, and despairing spul."
There had been but little change for ten years in that pastoral parish.
The small wooden bridge across the Ewc-bank stood as it did before, and,
as his feet made it shake below hun, Simon’s heart was tilled with a
crowd of thoughts. He was now within a few hundred yards of the Manse
that had so long been his own, and he stood still, and trembled, and
shivered, as the rush of thoughts assailed him from the disturbed world
of the past. He moved on. A light was in the parlour window—the same
room in which he used to sit with his wife and children. Perhaps he wept
by himself in the darkness. But he hurried on—he passed the mouth of the
little avenue— the hedges and shrubs seemed but little grown— through a
pale glimmer in the sky, while a blast had blown away some clouds from
before the yet hidden moon, he saw the spire of his own Kirk. The little
gate was shut—but he knew well to open the latch. With a strange wild
mixture of joy and despair he reached the door of the Kirk, and falling
down prostrate in the pelting snow, he kissed the cold stone beneath his
cheek, and, with a breaking heart, ejaculated, “Oh God! am I
forgiven—and wilt thou take me, through the intercession of thy Son, at
last into thy holy presence?”
It snowed till midnight—and the frost was bitter cold. Next morning was
the Sabbath; and the old Sexton, on going to sweep the little path from
tha church-yard gate to the door of the church, found what was seemingly
a corpse, lying there half-covered with the drift. He lifted up the
head; and well did he know the face of his former minister. The hair’
was like silver that formerly had been a bright brown; but the
expression of the dead man’s countenance was perfectly serene—and the
cold night had not been felt by Simon Gray. |