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I got your name from a friend who read the
following and thought you might find it interesting....it was "composed"
by another friend of mine who has three highland cows ( Mother and two
daughters) that he keeps as pets. It was written and left in the barn
for me to when I was looking after them while he and his wife were on a
short vacation. I thought it was funny and took it with me. Here it is
verbatim.
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A
HIGHLAND COW
The following is a schedule of events in the
life of a highland cow in Summer pasture mode:
5:30 to 6:00 a.m . - Cows wake up.
Senior cow gets up first and stands in front of the other cattle so they
can admire her. All then get up and do a little ritual poop. Cows may
make sarcastic greetings to each other like "good morning hairbag" or
"who made those horns?"
6:00 to 8:00 a.m. - general grazing
time, followed by a period of staring at the master's home. All drink
water during this period.
8:00 to 9:00 a.m. - All cattle receive
the master, reporting any overnight problems and complaints. Common
complaints are: quality of hay, grass has lost it's crunch, why
are we not being raked more regularly etc. Master gives hay and they
show appreciation by staring at him and threatning to break wire and
escape or rub and kill more trees.
9:00 to 11:00 a.m. - Cattle find shade
and socialize. The senior cow leads discussions.. (I have learned their
lingo, so have a fair understanding of what goes on)...basically they
gossip! They are very interested in visitors and the shoes, belts or
gloves they wear, wondering who they once may have been. Highland cows
have no teeth on top so can't say their "L"s. They talk of escape from
the master during these socials. This escape talk never goes any place,
probably due to their speech impediments. One recent exchange went like
this. "Rets rush master when by fence raking reaves, knock him off his
regs and break for woods, cross that rittle rake through the woods to
rarger, greener pasture."
11:00 to 4:00 p.m. - general grazing,
pooping and peeing, rubbing on trees, trying to break fence, resting in
shade, staring at master's house or watching him work around yard or
barn. A highlight of this period is when master's wife yells at him or
he does something stupid that appeals to their sense of humor.
Highland cows don't laugh openly, but smile and grin with a slight upper
lift of their mouths.
4:00 to 7:00 p.m. - eat hay master has
given them, poop and pee followed by a time of meditation. Highland
cattle have no religion but know they are sacred and play on this. Crop
circles, sacred cows, their role at the nativity and in Scotland's
history is very important to them. The face west as the sun sets and
place their noses on the ground, standing perfectly still for up to a
minute. It is a most moving ceremony.
7:00 to Dusk - Senior cow decides where
they will bed down for night. She usually sleeps looking towards
master's home, with other cattle behind. They are very quiet during
this period; however, there is some lowing or "rowing" as they say.
At Dusk - To get to sleep, cows tell
stories for night. These are epic tales which highland cattle have
passed down for centuries...I have overheard them. Some of their
favourites are:
- Wellington Wullie" - about a lonely
shepherd who goes nuts and trys to ravish a herd of highlands -
- Old Mary and the Wolf" - about an old
cow who fights off a wolf to save her calf -
- "How the snake got it's name", and
on full moon nights, the horror tale "Jock be nimble, Jock be quick.
Then they fall to sleep secure in the
knowledge that the master loves and cares for them and has been placed
on this earth to serve their every need and be their devoted servant.
composed by expatriot Scot...Del
Clark...Fenwick Ont.
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