Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
SOVEREIGN INDIAN:
This is the Chickens inherent right as he is indigenous to this
land!!!
MILITANT INDIAN:
That chicken should block the road, not cross the road!!!
GRASSROOT INDIAN: If
the darn chickens need to get across the road, let 'em cross the
darn road!
COLONIZED INDIAN:
Chiggens should never cross the roads that white men built
before the great white father crosses it first. If the white
father crosses it, it is good. We must then follow.
AMERICANIZED INDIAN:
We must have roads. We must cross the roads that the white man
built for us. We have to be thankful to the white man for this.
I don't know why you Indians are always complaining. You
embarrass us. Chickens are good for us.
REPUBLICAN INDIAN:
It's true that that white man built those roads for us. We are
merely chickens. We will always be chickens until we learn to
build those roads ourselves - for profit.
DEMOCRATIC INDIAN:
The chicken crossed the road because he didn't have enough
funding.
TRADITIONAL INDIAN:
Those chiggens weren't traditional because they were supposed to
be on it - not crossing it!
INDIAN GRANDPA: I
think he was runnin' away from rezidential school.
URBAN INDIAN: That
chicken crossed the road 'cause it was a city, man. You know
what I mean?
NEW AGE INDIAN: It
was basically because of Jungian dream therapy, drumming,
sweatlodges, my shaman, and long walks on the beach, near my
beach house.
POW WOW INDIAN That
chicken must have been heading to a 49!
EDUCATED INDIAN: I
think it has to do with Einstein's theory which basically
posits: "Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road
move beneath the chicken?"
REZ INDIAN: Whats a
chicken?
IHS INDIAN: I really
don't care why he crossed that road. We still aren't paying for
no stinkin hospital bills.
BIA INDIAN: They
crossed it because of CFR 49, Section 11299, gives them the
authority to do so, under Department of Interior regulations, in
the Executive Branch. They wrote a grant and we funded them. We
are very proud of them.
KFC INDIAN: I'll
take a leg, a thigh, with corn and potatoes. Extra Crispy,
please.
And
finally....................
TRIBAL INDIAN
COUNCIL: The chicken crossed the road without our approval! Fire
his family!!!
Pow-Wow
Snag
Written and
performed by: Darryl
Tonemah
Oh,
I saw her hit the pow-wow grounds
In a one-eyed rusty ford
Muffler dragging, smoke was blowing
She can't make it, help me Lord
And when she finally parked
About 100 skins got out
And all the boys were staring
It just made me wanna pout
Chorus:
She said
she wants corn soup
I got frybread
in
a
bag
Won't you come and be
My one and only
pow-wow snag
Oh she got dirty
pow-wow ankles
All the way up
to her knees
She's standing alone
Her friends
going bathroom in the trees
And I'm sticking out my chest
cause I know
that she can see
And if I had my way
She'd be snagging up with me
(Chorus)
Well she finally
said alright
'Cuz
I offered her some cheese
And I'm sticking out my lips
Saying kiss me
baby please
And we're sitting in her teepee
And I say you're
so pretty
She
just
looks at me
And all she said
was
AYE
(Chorus)
Click
here to listen to the Song
Native American Twinkie Test
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
American Indians dislike 'New Age Crystal Waving Twinkie Twinkies'
who shamelessly appropriate, distort, misuse and disrespect our
culture.
Accordingly, if you want to get along with Indians, it is wise to
avoid being a twinkie.
The following test will help you determine if you're a twinkie.
1. you don't know what a 'twinkie' is.
2..you think 'twinkie' is a name brand
of golden sponge cake.
3..you're a shaman, and all your friends
are shamans too.
4..your Indian Spirit Guide only speaks
English.
5..you have a plastic Indian headdress
hanging from your rear view mirror.
6..you don't drive a 'rez rocket'.
7..you think apples are for eating.
8..you gave all your dogs authentic
Native American names.
9...your great grandmother was a
Cherokee princess.
10..your great grandfather was a
Cherokee princess, too.
11..you own collector plates featuring
men with rippling muscles, feathers, and prostrate maidens.
12..you've never been to a 49.
13..you've never woken up with a
houseful strangers fixing themselves breakfast, eating your bacon,
and calling you 'cousin'.
14..you bought the collectible Barbie
(tm) 'with authentic Native costume'.
15..you named your dog, cat, or hamster
for a famous Native American.
16..you think Dances with Wolves is a
great movie.
17..you don't know who Leonard Peltier
is.
18..you want to know where to apply to
get your Indian name.
19..you desperately want to date a
Native American person.
20..you've been studying Native American
spirituality for three months and are now ready to lead a sweat.
21..you send greeting cards with images
of Noble Red Men on them.
22..you have 'Native American scent' air
freshener in your car.
23..you have never stood next to a
dancer after five hours of powwow in the hot sun and therefore think
'Native American scent' is something you >want to have in your car.
24..you don't know what a CDIB card is,
and wouldn't qualify for one even if you did
.25..you wonder why that abalone shell
has holes in the bottom.
26..you want to get a cool Native
American tattoo.
27..you had your brother-in-law airbrush
a big eagle on the tailgate of your pickup truck and you're not a
Harley fan.
28..you refer to a drum as a 'tom tom'.
29..you think 'heya heyaya' is
the Indian word for 'God', because it's in all the songs.
30..you bought the soundtrack to
Disney's Pocahontas and sing along.
31..your mother gave you a t shirt with
a picture of a scantily clad woman petting a wolf for your birthday.
32..you mistook an Italian man for a
Sioux chief.
33....you signed a petition protesting
the slaughter of buffalo while dropping your trash on the ground.
34..you had a dream in which you
discovered your 'true name' is 'Spirit of the Red Wolf Who Runs with
Crystals'.
35..you're only interested in the 'good
parts' of Native spirituality.
36..your bumper sticker has a quote from
Chief Seattle instead of AIM.
37..you bought 'genuine Indian
moccasins' made in a factory in Minnesota.
38..when you meet a real Indian, you
hold your hand out like a stop sign and say, "How!"
39..you made a construction paper
headdress and put on a play at school and you're more than twelve
years old
40..you can remember that Indian guy who
cried in the ecology commercial, but you don't know his name.
41..when you meet a man with a mohawk,
you assume he must be a punk rocker.
42..you have a mohawk--and you're
female.
43..you have no idea if the headband
you're wearing is intended for men or women.
44..you didn't notice your 'Indian
jewelry' was stamped 'made in Thailand'.
45..you own many Indian art objects, but
you have never been to a powwow.
46..you think militant Indians are a
disgrace to the red race, but you just adore Sitting Bull and Crazy
Horse.
47..you interrupt an elder to tell them
they're wrong because a book you read said so.
48..you're a man, but you don't have
footprints on your back from your woman walking all over you.
49..you were an Indian princess in a
former life.
50..you were a medicine man in a former
life.
51..you want people to call you 'Chief',
even though you are not the leader of a fire department, police
department, or a tribe.
52..you made up your own tribe.
53..you are the great, great, great,
great, grandson of Tecumseh, putting the number of his offspring at
24,473--more than the entire population of the Shawnee tribe today.
54..you didn't know that Tecumseh was
Shawnee.55..you're the grandson of Tecumseh--you can remember
sitting on his knee.
56..you built a sweat lodge from
instructions you found on the Web.
57..you chose to leave the city and live
on a mountain in a cabin with no running water.
58..you get annoyed if people are late.
59..your fur coats are all store bought.
60..you have no idea why Native people
laugh hysterically when they see you on the street
61..you call a shinny stick a 'LaCrosse
stick'.
62..you admire Chief Joseph for what he
said, but you're not sure what he did.
63..you call the Sioux people
'Lakota'--even the Dakota and Nakota.
64..you think all Native Americans spend
their days communing with Mother Nature.
65..you willingly pay $300 for an
authentic sweat with a plastic shaman.
66..you believe that 'freedom of
expression' gives you the right to poke your nose into matters that
don't concern you.
67..you ask a question, then argue with
the answer.
68..last year you were into Buddhism,
the year before that you were a witch, and the year before that you
were a member of Green Peace.
69..you had a sudden impulse to drive
non-stop across America to the Black Hills--and you don't even know
anyone out there.
70..you think the Black Hills are the
only sacred site in America.
71..you wear plastic chokers to honor
Native Americans.
72..you love Native American jewelry,
but make it more attractive by adding your own personal touch.
73..you've never used an outhouse.
74..you've never eaten 'slow
elk'--you're sure you'd remember if you had!
75..when served 'Indian steak,' you
complain, "Hey, this is bologna!"
76..road kill makes you go,
'Ew!' instead of, 'Hey, new regalia!'
77..you don't know how many drummers it
takes to screw in a light bulb.
78..you ask complete strangers for
advice on naming your kids.79..you got interested in Native culture
by watching 'Star Trek'.
80..you use words like 'squaw,' 'buck,'
'berdache,' and 'shaman,' and wonder why people are mad at you.
81..you bought a medicine bag, but you
don't know what's in it.
82..you think a powwow sounds like a
great place to work on your tan, so >you wore your swimsuit.
83..you're proud of the fact that you
can name all five Indian tribes.
84..your car is not made out of equal
parts Bondo and duct tape.
85..you selected wallpaper with Indians,
horses, and tipis for your son's bedroom.
86..you've never eaten commodity cheese.
87...you've never used commodity cheese
as a doorstop.
88..you hang Indian corn on your front
door instead of eating it.
89..your mother gave you an Indian name,
but it never occurred to you to ask her what it meant until it was
too late.
90..you get defensive and evasive if
anybody questions your Native credentials.
91..you've never heard of fry bread.
92..you won't eat fry bread because it
has too much fat in it.
93..you think it's an honor to Native
Americans that Jeep named a sport utility vehicle after them.
94..none of your relatives has diabetes.
95..you are one third Native American.
96..you want to know what tribe you're
related to, but have no intention of actually doing the genealogy to
figure it out.
97..you ask the Internet to tell you who
you're related to instead of asking your relatives.
98..you think you should get in free to
a powwow because you have Indian blood.
99..you're proud of being a twinkie.
100..you wear the purple suede fringed
miniskirt with knee high moccasins to a pow wow and wonder why no
one likes it.
101..you walk up to strange Indian women
and ask them to bless your beads.
102..you have a dream catcher hanging
from your rear view mirror.
103..you have a Nativity scene featuring
a tipi and Indians in regalia.
104..you think Native Americans should
put up with your crap because after all "we're all related."
105..you offered me a 'talking
feather'.
106..you write in a stilted, poetic,
formal English that sounds like a Victorian author putting words
into the mouth of a Noble Savage character in a dime novel.
107..you feel sorry for the poor Native
Americans who are so benighted they can't understand that you're
right.
108..when entering an argument with a
Native American, you attack their method of expression, instead of
the points they have to make.
109..you exhort us to unite and work
together and get along with each other--as if nobody had ever
thought of this (obvious) idea before.
110..you have never mended your
underwear, hemmed a dress, repaired a car, or made art objects out
of duct tape.
111..you have to go and find some
scissors to open your package with.
112..you joined the Nuage tribe.
113..you just adore Mary Summer Rain.
114..you tell everyone how proud and
humble and honored you are to carry a pipe.
115...you have to have the last word
every single time.
116..it embarrasses you to be seen in
the company of real Indians, so you'd rather hang out with twinkies
like yourself.
117..when you see a person in
traditional Native American dress, you pat your mouth and make 'woo
woo' noises.
118..somebody asks a question about
Native American culture, and you make up your own answer.
119..you think Indians have no sense of
humor.
120 .you can't see that you are funny. •
121.you think this list isn't funny.
122.This page is close captioned for the
humor-impaired.
123..if your idea of a tribal dance is a
ballet.
124.if you don't know what a "rez
rocket" is
125..if you don't have at least
something wrong with your car
126.if you say, "You don't look like an
Indian" to an Indian (or if you think all Indians look like Geromino)
127..you don't have at least 4 feet of
balin' wire in the trunk of your car.
128.you butcher a sheep while trying to
sheer it during your last visit with your "Navajo" grandma.
129..you think that the hair on your
back qualifies you to be a skinwalker.
130.the framed picture of your
great-great-great-granddaddy is really of a "chief" that you tore
out of your high school history book.credit
Have you figured out what a TWINKIE is
yet?
May the moon keep you centered,
May the sun keep you dancing,
And the stars shed light on your dreams.
YOU
COULD BE AN INDIAN IF......
- You attend a General Custer memorial
dinner, and you wear an Arrow shirt.
- Someone at a picnic yells "Hey, you
with the blanket, over here" and you think it's an invitation for
romance.
- Dancing to "Running Bear" at your
local bar and it begins to Rain.
- You put a "Free Peltier" sticker on
your truck, and the FBI wiretaps your house.
- You could be Indian if you get into
a fight with the waiter at your local Mexican restaurant over--Sopapilla,
or is it Fry Bread?
- Someone inadvertently points out
directions with his lips and you know exactly where he is talking
about.
- Someone asks you your stance on
immigration, and you just laugh.
YOU COULD BE AN
INDIAN IF......
- During a night out on the town, you
announce you're going home and then you drive over five hours to get
there.
- You should turn your head while all
about you are turning theirs and blaming it on you.
- You use commodity can labels for
your art collage project
- When you get hit in the head with an
old piece of fry bread you see bluebirds.
- All the people in the community or
town you live in are your cousins! (cousin-brother/cousin-sister).
- Your car starts with a screwdriver.
- Tou don't understand the purpose for
storage lockers or their high rental costs, Why, the cars parked in
your front
yard store just as much stuff, plus it's free.
YOU COULD BE AN
INDIAN IF......
- Your head automatically turns at the
sound of "shhhhhhhh".
- Learning your ABC's was hard because
you wondered what the joke was every time you heard "A" (AAAYE)
- In your everyday life you
unintentionally seem to be breaking taboos.
- You use the pick up line "...Say,
those are some slick wranglers, perhaps I could talk you out of
them."
- You use the pick up line "...Hey,
didn't we go to different boarding schools together?"
- You wake up after your 18th birthday
with a wrecked truck, a hickey and bus ticket to Haskell.
- Your relative gets a nice jacket
that you wish you had so say, "Geez Hey, I reeaally like that
Jacket." (and he gives it to you).
YOU COULD BE AN
INDIAN IF......
- You have had a dog named Bear.
- Your travel luggage is designer
black Hefty Cinch Sacks!
- You think that the Basic Food Groups
are Spam, commodity cheese, fry bread, and Pepsi.
- Your dance outfit is in a suitcase
held together by duct tape and powwow bumper stickers.
- You drive over 25mph and the paint
peels off your rez truck. You tell your friends that you are letting
Mother Nature sand
it for you before you get a paint job.
- A powwow drum lead singer if your
vocal nodules exceed the size of your tonsils.
- The first day at your new public
school you're waiting for circle and the rest of the class stands
for the pledge of allegiance, and as you look around the room you're
the only one who doesn't know the words.
One of the best ways to
understand a people is to know what makes them laugh. Laughter
encompasses the limits of the soul. In humor life is redefined and
accepted. Irony and satire provide much keener insights into a group's
collective psyche and values than do years of research.
It has always been a
great disappointment to Indian people that the humorous side of Indian
life has not been mentioned by professed experts on Indian Affairs.
Rather the image of the granite-faced grunting redskin has been
perpetuated by American mythology.
People have little
sympathy with stolid groups. Dick Gregory did much more than is
believed when he introduced humor into the Civil Rights struggle. He
enabled non-blacks to enter into the thought world of the black
community and experience the hurt it suffered. When all people shared
the humorous but ironic situation of the black, the urgency and
morality of Civil Rights was communicated.
The Indian people are
exactly opposite of the popular stereotype. I sometimes wonder how
anything is accomplished by Indians because of the apparent
overemphasis on humor within the Indian world. Indians have found a
humorous side of nearly every problem and the experiences of fife have
generally been so well defined through jokes and stories that they
have become a thing in themselves.
For centuries before
the white invasion, teasing was a method of control of social
situations by Indian people. Rather than embarrass members of the
tribe publicly, people used to tease individuals they considered out
of step with the consensus of tribal opinion. In this way egos were
preserved and disputes within the tribe of a personal nature were held
to a minimum.
Gradually people
learned to anticipate teasing and began to tease themselves as a means
of showing humility and at the same time advocating a course of action
they deeply believed in. Men would depreciate their feats to show they
were not trying to run roughshod over tribal desires. This method of
behavior served to highlight their true virtues and gain them a place
of influence in tribal policy-making circles.
Humor has come to
occupy such a prominent place in national Indian affairs that any kind
of movement is impossible without it. Tribes are being brought
together by sharing humor of the past. Columbus jokes gain great
sympathy among all tribes, yet there are no tribes extant who had
anything to do with Columbus. But the fact of white invasion from
which all tribes have suffered has created a common bond in relation
to Columbus jokes that gives a solid feeling of unity and purpose to
the tribes.
The more desperate the
problem, the more humor is directed to describe it. Satirical remarks
often circumscribe problems so that possible solutions are drawn from
the circumstances that would not make sense if presented in other than
a humorous form.
Often people are
awakened and brought to a militant edge through funny remarks. I often
counseled people to run for the Bureau of Indian Affairs in case of an
earthquake because nothing could shake the BIA. And I would watch as
younger Indians set their jaws, determined that they, if nobody else,
would shake it. We also had a saying that in case of fire call the BIA
and they would handle it because they put a wet blanket on everything.
This also got a warm reception from people.
Columbus and Custer
jokes are the best for penetration into the heart of the matter,
however. Rumor has it that Columbus began his journey with four ships.
But one went over the edge so he arrived in the new world with only
three. Another version states that Columbus didn't know where he was
going, didn't know where he had been, and did it all on someone else's
money. And the white man has been following Columbus ever since.
It is said that when
Columbus landed, one Indian turned to another and said, "Well, there
goes the neighborhood." Another version has two Indians watching
Columbus land and one saying to the other, "Maybe if we leave them
alone they will go away." A favorite cartoon in Indian country a few
years back showed a flying saucer landing while an Indian watched. The
caption was "Oh, no, not again."
The most popular and
enduring subject of Indian humor is, of course, General Custer. There
are probably more jokes about Custer and the Indians than there were
participants in the battle. All tribes, even those thousands of miles
from Montana, feel a sense of accomplishment when thinking of Custer.
Custer binds together implacable foes because he represented the Ugly
American of the last century and he got what was coming to him.
Some years ago we put
out a bumper sticker which read "Custer Died for Your Sins." It was
originally meant as a dig at the National Council of Churches. But as
it spread around the nation it took on additional meaning until
everyone claimed to understand it and each interpretation was
different. Originally, the Custer bumper sticker referred to the Sioux
Treaty of 1868 signed at Fort Laramie in which the United States
pledged to give free and undisturbed use of the lands claimed by Red
Cloud in return for peace. Under the covenants of the Old Testament,
breaking a covenant called for a blood sacrifice for atonement. Custer
was the blood sacrifice for the United States breaking the Sioux
treaty. That, at least originally, was the meaning of the slogan.
Custer jokes, however,
can barely be categorized, let alone sloganized. Indians say that
Custer was well-dressed for the occasion. When the Sioux found his
body after the battle, he had on an Arrow shirt.
Many stories are
derived from the details of the battle itself. Custer is said to have
boasted that he could ride through the entire Sioux nation with his
Seventh Calvary and he was half right- He got half-way through . . .
The years have not
changed the basic conviction of the Indian people that they are still
dealing with the United States as equals. At a hearing on Civil Rights
in South Dakota a few years ago a white man asked a Sioux if they
still considered themselves an independent nation. "Oh yes," was the
reply, "we could still declare war on you. We might lose but you'd
know you'd been in a terrible fight. Remember the last time in
Montana?"
During the 1964
elections Indians were talking in Arizona about the relative positions
of the two candidates, Johnson and Goldwater. A white man told them to
forget about domestic policies and concentrate on the foreign policies
of the two men. One Indian looked at him coldly and said that from.
the Indian point of view it was all foreign policy.
The year 1964 also saw
the emergence of the Indian vote on a national there was more scale.
Rumors reached us that on the Navajo reservation that there was more
enthusiasm than understanding of the political processes. Large signs
announced, "All the Way with LBJ."
The current joke is
that a survey was taken and only 15 percent of the Indians thought
that the United States should get out of Vietnam. Eighty-five percent
thought they should get out of America!
One of the most popular
topics of Indian humor is the Bureau of Indian Affairs. When asked
what was the biggest joke in Indian country, a man once said, "The BIA."
During the years of termination, no matter how many tribes were being
terminated the BIA kept adding employees. Since the thrust of
termination was to cut government expenditures, the continual hiring
of additional people led Indians to believe that such was not the real
purpose. The rumor began that the BIA was phasing Out Indians and
would henceforth provide services only for its own employees....
Perhaps the most
disastrous policy, outside of termination, ever undertaken by the
Bureau of Indian Affairs was a program called Relocation. It began as
a policy of the Eisenhower administration as a means of getting
Indians off the reservation and into the city slums where they could
fade away.
Considerable pressure
was put on reservation Indians to move into the cities. Reservation
people were continually harassed by bureau officials until they agreed
to enter the program. Sometimes the BIA relocation officer was so
eager to get the Indians moved off the reservation that he would take
the entire family into the city himself.
But the Indians came
back to the reservation as soon as they learned what the city had to
offer. Many is the story by BIA people of how Indians got back to the
reservations before the BIA officials who had taken them to the city
returned.
When the space program
began, there was a great deal of talk about sending men to the moon.
Discussion often centered about the difficulty of returning the men
from the moon to earth, as re-entry procedures were considered to be
very tricky. One Indian suggested that they send an Indian to the moon
on relocation. "He'll figure out some way to get back......
Not only the bureau,
but other agencies, became the subject of Indian humor. When the War
on Poverty was announced, Indians were justly skeptical about the
extravagant promises of the bureaucrats. The private organizations in
the Indian field, organized as the Council on Indian Affairs sponsored
a Capital Conference on Poverty in Washington in May of 1966 to ensure
that Indian poverty would be highlighted just prior to the passage of
the poverty program in Congress.
Tribes from all over
the nation attended the conference to present papers on the poverty
existing on their reservations. Two Indians from the plains area were
asked about their feelings on the proposed program.
"Well," one said, "if
they bring that War on Poverty to our reservation, they'll know
they've been in a fight."
At the same conference,
Alex Chasing Hawk, a nationally famous Indian leader from Cheyenne
River and a classic storyteller, related the following tale about
poverty.
It seemed that a white
man was introduced to an old chief in New York City. Taking a liking
to the old man, the white man invited him to dinner. The old chief
hadn't eaten a good steak in a long time and eagerly accepted.
He finished one steak
in no time and still looked hungry. So the white man offered to buy
him another steak.
As they were waiting
for the steak, the white man said, "Chief, I sure wish I had your
appetite." I doubt it, white man," the chief said. "You took my land,
you took my mountains and streams, you took my salmon and my buffalo.
You took everything I had except my appetite and how you want that.
Aren't you ever going to be satisfied?"
People are always
puzzled when they learn that Indians are not involved in the Civil
Rights struggle. Many expect Indians to be marching up and down like
other people, feeling that all problems of poor groups are basically
the same.
But Indian people,
having treating rights of long standing, rightly feel that protection
of existing rights is much more important to them. Yet intra-group
jokes have been increasing since the beginning of the Civil Rights
movements and few Indians do not wryly comment on movements among the
other groups.
An Indian and a black
man were in a bar on one day talking bout the problems of their
respective groups. The black man reviewed all the progress his people
had made over the past decade and tried to get the Indian inspired to
start a similar movement of activism among the tribes.
Finally the black man
concluded, "Well, I guess you can't do much, there are so few of you.
"Yes," said the Indian,
"and there won't be very many of you if they decide to play cowboys
and blacks.
Another time, an Indian
and a black man were talking about the respective races and how they
had been treated by the white man. Each was trying to console the
other about the problem and each felt the other group had been treated
worse.
The Indian reminded the
black man how his people had been slaves, how they had not had a
chance to have a good family life, and how they were so persecuted in
the South. The black man admitted all of the sufferings of his people,
but he was far more eloquent in reciting the wrongs against the
Indians. He reviewed the broken treaties, the great land thefts, the
smallpox infected blankets given to the tribes by the English, and the
current movement to relocated all the Indians in the cities, far from
their homelands.
Listening to the vivid
description, the Indian got completely carried away in remorse. As
each wrong was recited he nodded sorrowfully and was soon convinced
that there was practically no hope at all for his people. Finally he
could stand no more.
"And do you know," he
told the black man, "there was a time in the history of this country
when they used to shoot us just to get the feathers!"
Providing information
to inquisitive whites has also proved humorous on occasion . . . Louie
Sitting Crow, an old timer from Crow Creek, Dakota, used to go into
town and watch the tourists who traveled along Highway 16 in South
Dakota to get to the Black Hills. One day at a filling station a car
from New York pulled up and began filling its tank for the long drive.
A girl came over to
talk with Louie. She asked him a great many questions about the Sioux
and Louie answered as best he could. Yes, the Sioux were fierce
warriors. Yes, the Sioux had once owned all of the state. Yes, they
still wished for the old days.
Finally the girl asked
if the Indians still scalped people. Louie, weary of the questions,
replied, "Lady, remember, when you cross that river and head west, you
will be in the land of the fiercest Indians on earth and you will be
very lucky to get to the Black Hills alive. And you ask me if they
still scalp. Let me tell you, it's worse than that. Now they take the
whole head."
As Louie recalled, the
car turned around and headed east after the tank was full of gas....
One-line retorts are
common in Indian country. Popovi Da, the great Pueblo artist, was
quizzed one day on why the Indians were the first ones on this
continent. "We had reservations," was his reply. Another time, when
questioned by an anthropologist on what the Indians called America
before the white man came, an Indian said simply, "Ours. " A young
Indian was asked one day at a conference what a peace treaty was. He
replied, "That's when the white man wants a piece of your land."
The best example of
Indian humor and militancy I have ever heard was given by Clyde
Warrior one day. He was talking with a group of people about the
National Indian Youth Council, of which he was then president, and its
program for a revitalization of Indian life. Several in the crowd were
skeptical about the idea of rebuilding Indian communities along
traditional Indian lines.
"Do you realize," he
said, "that when the United States was founded, it was only 5 percent
urban and 95 percent rural and now it is 70 percent urban and 30
percent rural?"
His listeners nodded
solemnly but didn't seem to understand what he was driving at.
"Don't you realize what
this means?" he rapidly continued. "It means we are pushing them into
the cities. Soon we will have the country back again."
Whether Indian jokes
will eventually come to have more significance than that, I cannot
speculate. Humor, all Indians will agree, is the cement by which the
coming Indian movement is held together. When a people can laugh at
themselves and laugh at others and hold all aspects of life together
without letting anybody drive them to extremes, then it seems to me
that people can survive.
A couple of old cowboys (Sam and Bubba)
were sitting in a
bar having a drink (or two or three), doing what most old cowboys
do; complaining about the heat, the cows and their wives.
They weren't exactly the brightest guys, and neither were their
comments. Every day they said pretty much the same thing.
And it always ended in a contest over who had the worst wife.
Today though something was different. There was a wise looking elderly
Indian
Chief sitting at the bar. They decided to ask him to decide, who had
the worst wife.
The first man (Sam) complained that his wife was always arguing with
him. No
matter what he said, she always said the opposite. She didn't just say
it either, she said it so loud that the neighbors complained.
The old Chief listened attentively and then said, "If your wife was
Indian, we would name her Fire-Water."
Sam asked "Why would you call her Fire-Water?"
The Indian Chief replied, "Every time she opens her mouth she
breathes fire and your knees turn to water."
The second man (Bubba) said "My wife is so bad that we haven't hadn't
had physical relations in darn near twenty years."
The chief again listened attentively and pronounced Bubba's wife as
"Sleeping-Dragon."
When Bubba asked why, the chief replied, "If you try to touch her
while she
is sleeping, she will become a dragon and bite your head off."
Sam and Bubba had a good laugh over their wives new names. Then Sam
asked,
"Okay, them Indian names are pretty cool, but....Who has the worst
wife?"
The chief replied, "I do."
Bubba asked what the chiefs wife name was.
The chief replied something along the lines of "Whumpo Havo Noja"
Both Sam and Bubba looked very confused, and so the chief explained,
"That's my wife's Indian name, it translates in English to
"Three-Old-Horses."
More puzzled than ever before Bubba asked, "Yeah, but what does it
(Three-Old-Horses) mean?
The chief sighed, took a sip of his beer and said , "Nag, Nag, Nag."
HOW TO IMPRESS AN INDIAN WOMAN
Wine her,
Dine her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Believe in her,
Shop with her,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Give her many horses,
Bead for her,
Hold her in the moonlight,
Cuddle with her at a 49,
Play Native music for her,
Compose a song for her,
Set up camp for her,
Call her by her Indian Name,
Hunt for her (clean it for her),
Carry her chair atthe Pow-Wow,
Keep a job through Pow-Wow season,
Give her beautiful Indian Jewelry,
Keep the run down cars out of the yard,
Always tell her, her fry bread is better,
Give her many Pendleton Blankets, and no Indian Time,
Give her lots of attention and Sing beautiful Native music to her.
HOW TO IMPRESS AN INDIAN MAN
Show up with an Indian Taco, Corn Soup and an extra piece of fry
bread.......
